Hello! Over the years my good friend CinemaSchminema and I have done a thing called He Said/She Said (which is exactly what it sounds like). While we’ve agreed on the awesomeness of some films (like “Blood Car ”), others we greatly disagreed
on, which has made He Said/She Said a lot of fun. most recently we looked at “Chainsaws Were Singing” Which we both loved and I personally couldn’t believe I would like a musical. In this more modern incarnation He Said/She Said, Eric Undead has picked one that sucked and she has picked one that turned out amazing so it was time again and I noticed she’d been covering a lot of public domain movies. Since I’d never really seen one that I can remember, I found this and thought we’d give it a shot. . Below is my usual nonsense and blatherings and for something much better – you can see hers HERE. But, I must press on so:

Note: this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be it was pretty bad it stink

I wouldn’t try to trick you and say this was something awesome or ever watch it again but after reading about or seeing pictures from things like the Winnie the Pooh movies or the Cinderellas or the Snow Whites or the Popeyes or even Mickey Mouse all of those things that look terrible to me, I didn’t think this one with a lady in a Minnie Mouse mask doing slasher things was tooooo bad. Sure there were lots of things I didn’t agree with – maybe I’m just a bitch – but this didn’t disgust me and make me sad to watch horror movies. And I promise I don’t have some sort of fetish or something but the Minnie Mouse lady with her tight outfit and Minnie Mouse mask was kind of – hmmm – exotic maybe or intriguing or interesting but I never need to see any of it again anyway and thinking about it now let’s be clear, it’s a pretty poor movie but not as bad as I was expecting so let’s see what happened here.

A group of punkass kids chase a girl down a street. “I hate you you’re stupid!” Says one of them because all little girls are hateful shitasses. “Lock her in a cellar and dump the contents of her backpack in the street!” She demands bossing everyone around of course so her friends do all that and say things like “Minnie Winnie you’re a stupid shinny!” or something like all little girls say to other people to hurt their feelings constantly and without remorse. They push her into a very- luckily nearby storm cellar and shut the door. No one locks it mind you they just shut it and run off and dump her shut I herbackpack in the street. Too bad she can’t open the door from the inside even though it’s not locked so she screams “let me out please let me out” a hundred times and her voice sounds way too deep for a young girl and probably way too foreign for what we’ve got going on here supposedly and suddenly she’s set upon by dozens of cgi rats. “Non” I think she whispers in some sort of French American. Elsewhere, “This stinks” says the one boy in the group of sadistic terrorizing kids who shut her in the cellar. “I hope this doesn’t come back to haunt us in 20 years.”

20 years later a grown man with bulging and veiny biceps steps out of a car. I’m not sure of his true age but he looks way too old to be wearing his hair like a teenager and O. M. G. Cutoff Jean shorts that come down past his knees. No. If you ever see me wearing something like that I give you permission to injure me. No. No. No. Also getting out of the vehicle are three comely ladies who you just know must’ve stuck some kid in a storm cellar 20 years ago and dropped the shit in her backpack out on the street. “Man it turned hot all of a sudden” says one of them in her graciously fitting tube top. “Let’s take a selfie down by that body of water” says the one comely lady with the Botox lips that seem unnatural. “Oh yes let’s!” says the last one with the red hair who will soon wear a skirt that’s so short her butt will be visible. As they assemble to take their picture, being intelligent, we know who these four people are and what fate will probably befall them, someone moves around in a bush nearby, shaking some leaves. “Wha??” Thinks muscle vein guy, looking quizzically at the bush. “ I didn’t spend six years getting my doctor’s degree at doctor school for some dumbass kid to be sneaking around in bushes staring at me.” And now we’re all set up for the fine cinema to come. I just hope someone gets a dirty diaper to the face. And a good looking lady in a short skirt farts for no reason walking up some stairs.

At the air bnb I guess they all get out of the car and roll their luggage into the place. Nearby, something moves around in some bushes. “What is this nonsense?” Thinks muscle vein guy. “I didn’t write my doctorate papers on How To Treat Someone Who’s Sick just to be followed around by some kid who’s probably not even sick and doesn’t need to practice my doctor’s treatments.” He cocks an eyebrow. “Go away and eat an untoasted bagel!” He yells. In the bushes, someone titters. “Titter titter titter” they say and I bet you real money you know who it is.

Later that night, after a rat gets thrown at the front door, the lady with the Botox lips takes a side boob shower and then gets bopped on the head by someone who likes to titter. When she wakes up she’s in a garage and a lady in a tight outfit with a Minnie Mouse mask on who doesn’t say any words us looking at her. But she pantomimes something and then squishes a shit filled diaper in Botox lady’s face. I honestly don’t understand why that happened (I guess it’s an intelligent allegory on putting shit in your face) or where the poopy diaper might have came from in the first place but then Minnie goes and stabs Botox lady anyway. Minnie Mouse: 1, her tormentors: 0.

The next day no one really seems to care that Botox lady is gone or dead or missing or anything so two of the people got to the lake to think about events that happened 20 years ago while one of them stays behind and farts a little because she’s hungover is what I think they were implying. I honestly don’t remember how she gets killed because it’s been a couple of weeks since I finished this but I think she gets killed in the bathroom unlike everyone else who gets stabbed like fuck. Including the sheriff’s deputy and the other sheriff’s deputy who must not be very good at their jobs but so far Minnie Whinny the Dumby Shinny has killed two of her old tormentors and now some local people too so she is absolutely rolling. Did I mention at one point there’s a brief flashback of the girl down in the storm cellar and cgi rats are flying out of her mouth? There is and it doesn’t make any goddammed sense.

As we wind down today’s big adventure we SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS find the last of the young lady girls who point fingers at you and make fun of you and pick on you pick pick pick pick pick pick do this do this you’re doing it wrong do this pick pick pick we find her tied up in the garage where the girl got the poopy diaper smushed in her face and standing in front of her is someone in a Minnie Mouse mask and here comes the dude that has a doctors degree in doctoring and jeans that are cut off past the knees and he’s all “whuuuuu” and Minnie is all “titter titter titter” and the lady girl who picks on you is all “help me please help me what is this shit?” and Minnie stabs her and then so does the doctor of doctors because he’s the one that let Minnie out of the basement all those years ago and they are simpatico and they might even be boning I don’t know they don’t address that piece but I did think Minnie Mouse in her sock feet was kind of cute so maybe he did too. Maybe after she got over her fear of rats and cellars, the two of them would sneak back down there and he’d practice for his doctor degree. “This is a glute” he would say and point towards his thigh even though the room was pitch black and filled with rats and she couldn’t see anything. “And this is an ankle bone, can you say ankle bone?” and he’d put her hand on his weenus and get things started. Like I said they never approached that in the quality cinema thus was but he goes ahead and stabs mean girl who picks on you for good measure and pulls his Mickey Mouse mask over his head like where was that hiding the entire movie up your asshole that’s kind of dumb go back to doctor school or something.

FILED UNDER: IT DIDN’T HAVE STUPID LOOKING FAIRY TALE PIG OUTFITS BUT THUS WASN’T VERY GOOD EITHER AND NO ONE WILL EVER GO TO POUND TOWN OVER THIS MOVIE

Thank you Cinema Schminema for doing this with me again – you’re as awesome as a certified degree from Doctor School but for real you are.