Several years ago (how does the time go by so fast), during the mostly forgotten days of my old blog, my friend CinemaSchminema and I used to do a thing called He Said/She Said (which is exactly what it sounds like).
While we agreed on the awesomeness of some films (like “Blood Car ”), others we greatly disagreed
on, which made He Said/She Said a lot of fun. Anyway, for old times’ sake, we’re bringing it back to
review “Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn’t Die.” You can read her much better, filled with proper grammar, sentence structure, spelling and *ahem* her friend the comma, take on this HERE.

As for me:

So our man Fountaine here has two problems. One is his name and how I don’t think I could go around calling an American dude “fountaine”. “Hi Fountaine what’re you doing?” “I am pressing zese grapes wif my kneez in order to make zee winez” he would reply, showing me his naked legs and purple thighs. “Vould you like a zip?” I mean we’re not talking about a setting like the Sarlat-la-Canéda; I feel like this takes place in Texas and we’re not oily Frenchmen grinding mustard seeds with our butt cheeks. I mean for real. Secondly, he also appears to be a sadistic, nun fondling drug dealing priest so he’s got that going for him too. “Fountaine! Stop twisting your French penis and deliver the Encomium! Give the people what they want!” “Non!” he replies “non! J’mapelle mois croissant! Oui!” I guess technically he does have a third problem, the sister of the nun he debased and killed who is now training to be a master in Kung Fu so she can find him and kill him back.

Note: I was never truly sure if the nun Fountaine killed was her sister sister or like a nun sister. She has this extended dream sequence where she had a sister sister and they’re both locked up in the insane asylum both getting ready to get treated like the bride in Kill Bill but I think that sister might have been just imaginary. BUT later there’s another ass kicking nun sister who they try to rescue but does one of those dramatic I WILL REVENGE YOU deaths and that might have been her sister sister but I couldn’t be sure. Also that nun sister that died the I WILL REVENGE YOU death turns out to just be wounded so I guess all that drama was for nothing and they may or may not save her later so she can be in the big finale. Maybe! I’d hate to give anything away in the first two paragraphs other than: nuns, eyepatches, Kung fu, swords, underwear with the words “JESUS IS WATCHING” stitched on them, swordplay and a strange German lady who I think was beating her own hog to some mild torture. I know I use that term on my site regularly and I honestly don’t know if it applies or if it’s gender specific but I think we probably get the idea here. But it I’m also wasn’t something explicit or even shown so maybe she was up to something else. The mind wanders. Also, maybe the sister was a lover and not a sister? Like forbidden love nun sisters? I never know what’s going on.

Now we know Fountaine has a problem and it’s a one eyed nun in an eyepatch. It seems she’s always doing Kung Fu practice and getting her ass kicked by a guy called The Master I believe. He also has a goofy sidekick whose name escapes me but I felt like he was some sort of Kevin Hart style comic relief. There’s also priests who condone killing and assassinations and then a great big giant moment where Fountaine is not Fountaine but actually is Fountaine ohmygodohmygod. Oh no you di-int. There’s probably not that many other ways to misspell di-int but that’s what I’m going with,

I feel like this is the type of movie I should really like – moderately low budget with maybe some people who cared about the project but for some reason I just didn’t. Maybe it was too Kill Bill-y which I wasn’t some huge fan of in the first place. I wanted to like the main lady with her Jesus is Watching underwear but I didn’t like her too much either and I hope everyone had fun but I doubt this is one I’ll ever watch again or tell anyone they “really need to see this fucking thing ASAP”. They had a card that promised a sequel titled something like “the vengeful nun and the triumvirate of graves” or something but details seem light on that project.

I know sometimes I can blather on and on so I’ll try and cut this off short with a quick quote from the movie: “I remember being trapped inside the cold plastered walls, my body a feeding teat for the violent, the deranged and the chronic and habitual masturbators; not unlike those pitiful souls who work in the same building as eric undead. Those walls enclosed around me, my prison from which I could find no release! Daily my sister and I toiled withering and shrinking as if in the desert sun such as the Egyptians enslaved their conquered subjects, baking bricks and moving heavy stone, the whips slashing our leathered skin. One morning I dreamt of freedom and escape from tormented oppression and in my vision I saw my beautiful Kali wielding her sword of destruction and saw further my unchaining and that of my sister my beloved of whom we share the same womb. Later that morning as the dew started to dry and the birds sang our names I was crawling around on the filth of my prison, my belly bleeding and searching and behold in an air vent for absolutely no reason other than my Kali’s wishes, did I find a katana hidden in the air vent of the insane asylum, with which I was able to murder my jailers.”

Boy did she get lucky.

FILED UNDER: EYEPATCHES AND JESUS IS WATCHING UNDERWEAR AND UNDER THE BRIDGE SWORDFIGHT

Cinema Schminema thank you so for much for doing this with me again! You’ve been a very gracious friend and I hope this one didn’t bother you too much!

Here at Eric Undead, away from the chronic masturbators, we hold a murder board of all of these nun movies we watch, for posterity. It can be found HERE if you’re feeling inquisitive, curious or just a general baller, plus it’s easier to read. Otherwise, here’s a copy: