Now that spring has come and hanging around and the moths are out and the snow has melted and the snakes have chased off the rabbits, it’s time to join the beautiful butterflies freed from their cocoon tethers, float in the air, feel the sun on our skins, the wind whispering your name and tickling the soft hairs of your forearms and eyelashes, the cool breeze blowing the dust out of those pollen crusted eyelids and the warmth of life. And then just like it does every year where I live, here come the mother fucking cottonwood trees polluting everything and everyone with their blasphemous pollens and spores, clogging sinuses and arteries and air conditioning units and just like these damned things, it’s time to experience their contaminated relatives: nun horror movies.

It’s year three of our embarkation into these and out of the ones I’ve written about, only a few have been entertaining. Agnes and Bloody Bloody Bible Camp for sure but not The Grotto or Bad Nun 3. And even though we’re all true stewards of the nunly arts we can’t live in the past and must move forward into the future. So with no ado but probably lots of doo doo – let’s talk about Nun’s Deafly Confession.

I think the only way to briefly explain this film in one word would be: suckyboringidontloveyou. Maybe you’ll like it or you’ll regret buying it or stealing it or even turning it on and not like using ‘turning it on’ like you might have made that person at the bowling alley horny on accident and then needed a ride home and against all of your judgement you or someone you know or maybe knew experienced gratifications that did not just happen very often so you or maybe your cousin told you about this one time that they went ahead and hit the sack and did exploratory things that probably never should have happened in the first place but warm bowling alley beer isn’t really good for anyone honestly and the next day you or this mystery person you’ve heard about are like jesus christ what have I done I mean what did your friend do and you think what have I become what is this garbage I have become and you or whoever regret the decisions you’ve made in the last few years and your roommate is like that’s my boy in the most demeaning way possible and you now feel dirty and wash me won’t somebody just wash me please – that’s the kind of garbage I thought of while sitting through this terrible thing.

What a way to start off the 2026 Nunstraganza. A movie not at all about nuns but does include a woman in a nun costume who quickly takes off her robes and has skimpy lingerie underneath them. This movie it turns out is about a psychiatrist who kills people or does he I guarantee you won’t care. I think I read that this was originally called Doctor Jekyll Better Hyde which makes about as much sense as Nun’s Deadly Confession because they are both lies and have nothing to do with anything.

To open: a man drives a car down a street on a city and there is cgi rain. Next up, the man is cooking some sort of meat in a skillet. His doorbell rings. He opens it, it is an attractive female holding a book called “Jekyll and Hyde”. “I’m here to see a psychiatrist” she says and he lets her in, book and all. NOTE: his doorway appears to be the doorway to a stairwell in an office building or hotel, with the door open you can see the flights of stairs behind him. Maybe this is on purpose? I don’t know for sure. They go up some stairs to his office where they enter another door and go down some stairs. She is dressed skimpy so maybe this is a bad soft adult movie. She talks about nothing. He talks about nothing interesting. She pulls out a knife and tries to stab him. They literally do some sort of Waltz dance. He kills her and drags her body into some sort of sauna looking room. He goes back to his frying pan of meat.

His doorbell rings. He abandons his frying pan of meat to see what’s happening. Outside in the corridor is a young woman dressed as a nun. “I need to see the psychiatrist,” she says and lets herself in like she owns the place. She delivers a long uninteresting monologue about something I didn’t care about and then takes off her clothes down to her underwear. And then has PG 13 (not nude) sex with the male actor and he kills her but putting a cross in her mouth. He drags her to the sauna room and goes back to his fucking pork chop or whatever.

This next one is even worse. The doorbell rings. It is a strong looking man with tattoos on his face head and throat that appear to be real in the pictures I can find of this person.

He is having fears so the doctor convinces him he is weak. Then convinces him he is strong. He somehow has and then throws a rope with a noose tied in it over a rafter I guess and convinces the guy with the tattooed head to put it around his neck and pull himself up the rope, hanging himself. I might have to draw a picture of this next part. Let’s see here.

With his arms horizontal and not raised above his head, he starts “pulling himself up” the rope until his head pops off. I feel like it’s one of the dumber things I’ve ever seen but nevertheless it happens and the doctor guy drags his body and head off into the sauna room thing.

Next up there’s a tiny car that turns into a clown and a subplot about some detective intern who works in some sort of parking lot and another detective who is looking for all of the dead people even though it’s only been a couple of hours I guess. There’s also another lady in there who I think they were implying was the Hyde of Jekyll and Hyde and a bunch of bullshit with a handgun and I was truly so uninterested that I couldn’t believe it and I spent time on my phone trying to figure out who this cast was and whether or not that was a real head and face tattoo. I think it is ? That must’ve really hurt, brosef.

Eventually after what seemed like ten “I’ve got the gun!” “He’s got the gun!” attempts at tension they just let the murdering son of a bitch go and then there’s a very poor car chase scene to finish it up.

I don’t like this movie one bit and I would fist fight it if I could fight a movie. It may get me because I’m old now and have ailments and creaky joints but I’d give it a shot.

FILIED UNDER: NO ONE CAN CLIMB A ROPE LIKE THAT NO ONE UNBELIEVABLE

And the moment some of us have been waiting for: our updated Nunly Dark Arts Murder Chart:

And for posterity, here’s this year’s badge you can take to your local printer and have made into a sticker or patch for your leather jacket or the butt section of your blue jeans to cover that hole you’ve worn into the them which is exactly where a patch like this should be stitched. On your butt.