I imagine a time when you were young, a small boy or girl, still innocent and unable to convey the past or history of the stars you lived in before you were born into this world; small and beautiful and full of grace if not graceful. I can project myself out and see you waddling toward your parent, full of happiness and free of burdensome responsibilities like work and taxes and the terrible decision of what to make for dinner every night of your life until you leave us once more. I can see glimpses of heaven in the colors in your eyes and feel sad that that will one day fade as we age and get farther from innocence. I see you picked up and carried from one room to another, swinging through the air conditioned air, your legs twirling and your heart laughing and you’re placed at the head of the table to enjoy an anniversary and your friends are there and your ancestors and there are cakes and noises and this is truly what childhood is about. You hear a familiar dangle of a doorbell; sunlight rushes in, scattering dust around the curtains and a hush comes over the crowd as the front door closed. They part, revealing a new visitor – who is it? Who has come to enjoy your happiness with you? Your young eyes squint and focus, this is strange. You hear your mother scream, terrified, “WHERE DID THAT CLOWN COME FROM!!???!!” You do not understand the entry of this visitor because this is not something you are or were familiar with but the terrified panic of your mother instills you with a lifelong scarring against these creatures, circus oriented, television serial types or just those bizarre things out there walking the streets, you begin to cry and, inwardly, never stop.

That’s actually kind of based on what I think is the true story of why I’m scared of spiders. When my mom and dad bought this house I this new development when I was a kid my mom and I went to go look at it after school one day and when we opened the front door and walked in, the front hallway was filled with tarantulas and my mom started screaming her brains out. I remember that like yesterday and I think that’s what happened to me there. I actually don’t really care about clowns or clown movies really but: I’ve never run into a clown in a real life. I don’t think I’d like it but I’ve never had to tangle with anyone like that. A year or two ago I put these Terrifier movies in my queue to see what the hype was all about and finally watched the first one and well it was gross but it wasn’t really anything I haven’t seen before. I think the big thing they were probably jizzing over was the bit where he cut the lady in half but I thought that was done better in Bone Tomahawk. There was a scene where he stomped some guys head in but that’s pretty common these days. I think overall it was just kind of an average movie with a dirty clown chasing around a chick in a dirty building. *shrugs

This movie starts off with some good looking makeup effects on a survivor of Art the Clown’s massacre. Then we shift to two attractive females in their 20s who are out for Halloween and are now crunk. As they fumble to get in their car they see a guy in a clown outfit walk by carrying a garbage bag full of something. “Look he’s in love with you and he’s horny and has a boner and wants to stick it in you and make clown babies and grow up and be a clown daddy don’t you love him isn’t he hot oh baby baby ride him like a Harley Davidson” one of them says slapping her thighs and gyrating around all over the street like some kind of Greek, “he so horny he so horny he love you long time him big poppy” and continues. “Where are we, Persia?” says the other and they go get some pizza to cure their crunkedness.

At the pizza place the disgusting clown comes in and stares at them. “Oh look again” says the blond, “ look how horny that clown and his little clown pee pee are. Oh sproingy sproingy bouncy bouncy on my bed uh uh uh mmmph mph ohh la la white prince you love me don’t you oh smell this oh oh baby baby what’s my name call my daddy daddy oh who’s your daddy baby mmph mmph ding a ling daddy oh baby baby does baby want pacifier oh little daddy baby goo goo ga ga”.

“Now look” says the other one, getting uneasy . “I don’t think that’s any of our busin-“

“Slurp slurp daddy oh slurp whistle whistle here comes the choo choo himo himp hump bump bumps so horny my peepee is all estranged from my body and like one of those balloons you can make look like a dog twisty twisty twist has anyone seen the good year blimp lately it’s in my clown trousers oh my dingle oh oh the pain and agony won’t someone bless it with water I’m floating I’m flying it’s honey it’s making honey like when they locked us in the basement oh the sweetness do you know my peepee’s name the peepee twist it I love it nasty like an ape who’s the ape-“

But it seems the clown has had enough. We think. And he leaves. And the attractive girls leave. And while the attractive girls are squabbling about where the brunette should piss, the clown goes back to the pizza place, shits everywhere and writes his name in shit on the wall and then murders everyone. Elsewhere, the brunette decides she’s going to go bother the pest exterminator who’s outside smoking a cigarette. “Please can I go piss in there?” She pleads. “Oh please I just need to piss so bad” “sure” he says “but don’t name it after me” and lets her in to the dirtiest and filthiest run down piece of shit building anyone’s ever seen. “Shitters over there” he says and goes off to poison rats. “Gross” the brunette says and that’s the set up for the entire movie.

The rest of the time Art the Clown somehow lifts a woman upside down and chains her feet up to the ceiling and cuts her in half. He smashes someone’s head with his gigantic clown shoe and rides a bicycle. He also shoots somebody and then there’s one other character who he must’ve murdered but I don’t remember or care how.

Then at the end he’s supposed to be riddled with bullets and dead but he’s not and the girl who I thought was supposed to be in all three of these has her face all cut to shit so I guess I’m wrong there and also don’t care too much.

Overall I think this movie was pretty mediocre and the grossest thing to me was when the guy was cleaning the shit off the wall. I Don’t really understand why the clown guy hated everyone so I made up my own reason and I guess he didn’t like being accused of being so horny. I just didn’t get it and maybe by this time next year I’ll have been able to see the second one.

On a lighter note – I’m really prone to social awkwardness in person like the time I asked this lady what it called itself and this other lady how her arm component was and just yesterday this lady was telling me how her cousin had passed away about ten years ago and in all of my glory I told her I was sorry he’d been reversed.

FILED UNDER: I LOVE IT NASTY LIKE AN APE

Is it already almost May?? After watching this I guess I need to do my penance and atonement so I better call in the only people I know who can help me.