Over the years my good friend CinemaSchminema and I have done a thing called He Said/She Said (which is exactly what it sounds like). While we’ve agreed on the awesomeness of some films (like “Blood Car ”), others we greatly disagreed
on, which has made He Said/She Said a lot of fun. most recently we looked at “Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn’t Die.” Neither one of us liked that shit very much but we have fun and agreed to keep going as things come up that merit a decent and reliable double look at things. Below is my usual nonsense and blatherings and for something much better – you can see hers HERE. But, I must press on so:

Well I um hmmm well – it’s you know – it’s – how do I even start talking about this? I guess here you go: I LOVED IT. And I’m not just saying that. When Misty was like “look you old savings and loan you tricked me with that shitass Fountaine movie you made me watch I’ll get you back you mark my words” (it might not have gone just like THAT) and then she offered up this thing called “chainsaws were singing” and I watched the trailer I thought it looked good and gory but OMG a musical ok mm hmm and then I remembered Fountaine and what could I do but accept my fate – but it wasn’t really that hard of a decision because these things we do are fun – so I laid down on the couch and got to watchin’ and I thought this thing was absolutely hilarious and randomly awesomely weird in places and the lyrics to the songs were bizarre and beautiful and WELCOME TO FIST LAW and I just loved everything about it. I did think it went a little too long but even they kind of made fun of themselves late in the movie saying they should stop singing so much and wrap it up already and the whole forest bukkake thing was just kind of weird* but my overall enjoyment of this was simply that it was fucking great. It’s so weird to find a thing that I like so much honestly – sure there are some serious things that I love like Bring Her Back and Oddity and Last Stop in Yuma County but it’s hard for me to come across things that are so fun – maybe Grabbers for sure and Bloody Hell but yeah – this was totally The Tits. I wish I had somehow been part of making this.

To open, a very comely lady runs down down some sort of road and she runs into one of those European looking fellows who (I’m from the middle of the US so it’s not a common clothing choice here) is wearing one of those outfits that looks like short overalls and I would likely see a character like that on a tv commercial selling perfect and pure cow cheese or yodeling all over the place and she screams “help there’s some guy killing people with a chainsaw!!” and he’s all “no, that’s not what chainsaws are for, chainsaws are for cutting trees and this isn’t even an approved tree cutting area so don’t you worry” and then our villain pops up out of the grass and runs his machine and heads towards them and we don’t really know what’s going on or why and the yodeler looking guy says “look sir this isn’t an approved tree cutting area and if you insist I’m going to have to call the agricultural bureau to come out and discuss this and then you can decide in a forum of some sort or meeting hold a type of summit to decide the outcome of your tree cutting desires” and then he takes a chainsaw to the gut and it’s bloody and gross and hilarious and our comely lady runs off screaming “aieeee!” all over the place. Somehow, maybe because of all the screaming, her suitor catches her and I think bops her on the head and throws her in the back of his filthy van and then the movie starts.

You see poor old Tom just wants to kill himself because his girlfriend was killed by a dude with a chainsaw earlier in the afternoon so he’s going to jump off a bridge. So he sings his life’s story in a song. I don’t remember all the lyrics exactly but they go something like this and I’m not just trying to embellish like I do sometimes – these songs cracked me up.

Here I am on this bridge going to kill myself and die

My life has sucked forever and now this one stupid guy

Killed my girlfriend with a chainsaw why oh why oh why

She’d never met me of course but I stared at her bikini body from the trees and I devoted my whole life to her forever my undying love how can you be taken away from me i give you my seed and my adoration and my lifetime fealty and i love you more than life itself

on the other hand, I think I’ll go wade in the water and just drown myself that way instead of bothering these old fishermen

Oh look there’s a woman sitting on a rock I’m so in love with her I bet she loves me too

I just want to put my face in the fat of her breasts

I’ve never been so in love I think I’ll go ask her to marry me right now

Kind of like that yes so they naturally both fall in love and go for a walk and the killer guy comes out of the grass and I think he pushed Tom down a hill and runs after comely girl whose name is Maria and then our movie really begins as we follow Tom in his search for Maria which will last until they meet up towards the end when she’s singing about his dick and balls. Which I think at this point she hasn’t actually seen or touched or smelled or fondled.

One of my favorites of the folks Tom runs into – aside from the guy whose clothes keep changing it seems depending on the day of the shoot – are the two cops who also believe chainsaws are only for cutting trees and not for chopping people up. “People only use chainsaws to cut trees” they assure and then the filthy van shows up and one of them accidentally shoots a bunch of random pedestrians. “I guess we’ll need to commandeer a car” one of them says. “You don’t have a police car?” Tom pleads and the answer is “it’s not in the budget” so they go beat up a guy and tell him it’s time to introduce him to Fist Law which is my new favorite thing. While they fight, Tom steals the car and his buddy who has different clothes every time is in there randomly and it all makes beautiful nonsense sense. OMG and when the cops come chasing them on the bike and the little girl is chasing them for stealing her bike – it’s beautiful.

I feel like this is very Tommy Wikola like when Tommy Wikola is at his Tommy Wikola best. And if you don’t like Wikola maybe that’s not a good analogy but I love Dead Snow 2 and The Trip. I also liked the Santa Claus one he did but didn’t love it like those other two. Or – maybe this is something I wish I could write – I don’t know but I loved it. Great job people. Rolling hand waves to you as I give you a courtesy bow and hope I don’t hurt my back bending over. I hope this doesn’t get bastardized by an American remake even though you’d probably make a shitload of money and it would be great for you.

Great call Cinema Schminema even though I gave you some shifty eyes at suggesting a musical.

FILED UNDER: UNBELIEVABLY RESTORATIVE ROAD WEEDS AND DANDRUFF IN A JAR AND FIST LAW AND EXPLODING CARS AND GAY TWIN BROTHERS MARRIED TO EACH OTHER SMOOCH SMOOCH

*I feel like there’s a number of different ways to interpret that. I’m not going to define bukkake here – that can be googled on your own device- but if you’re familiar with the concept, the bukkake in here isn’t the standard type of group jizzing you might expect. Not that I’m some sort of prude and I think everyone should be able to enjoy themselves and nut freely whether you’re male or female (just don’t jizz your pants in the grain silo). I personally have never been involved in such an event and that’s not really by choice but I don’t know of any such organized things like that happen around here but on the other hand I’ve never really been looking. But before I go too far out of scope or cross some sort of line, I wanted to point out that this isn’t a bunch of guys in a forest explosively blowing their wads everywhere (this isn’t set in France after all) but the forest God of Forests and Nature (I think) making his substantial goo on this poor sacrificial dude through some sort of portal. Splurt splurt splurt kablooey kablooey blammo all over the poor son of a bitch and then I think he dies and the portal closes and our two main characters make their escape back to the main road where cars explode consistently. Again, I’m no prude and fully support a man or woman presenting forth the culmination of their undying love but the whole forest thing was just kind of out of place in the flow. I guess. Maybe.

Thank you again for doing these things, Cinema Schminema! I was worried at first but this one delivered the goods.