*crude language and sexual situations in this one

Do you remember that time when we went to the party in that Lakeshore Estates neighborhood – we were probably sixteen or maybe slightly older and I don’t remember what all was going on it was so long ago but we were drinking beer and I went upstairs to take a leak and Boyd’s sister was up there and I kissed her like the Europeans do and then those 30 escapees from the insane asylum showed up and started dry humping everyone and everything and we had to fight our way out of there using a kitchen roast holder and a gun you found just randomly on the floor somewhere and that one lady tried to kill you by rubbing her um er uh um er uuhms on your face and suffocating you?? What a night! Those memoirs you wrote about that evening – I didn’t know you published them or sold them or something and I hope you made a shitload of money because it looks like someone here turned it into kind of a bastardized version and while it still has some of the humor to be sure, they changed some things up. I guess if you sold the tights it’s not my business but I did think of couple of things didn’t really work out or maybe shouldn’t have been changed so much. Let’s see here.

Two people acting like youths seem to be on some sort of date in someone’s living room. The male here wants a blow job and he wants one so bad man that’s all he’s ever wanted in his life is just a fucking blow job how long has he lived without one how long without one oh man the torture and the suffering and his ball are so blue but our heroine says no over and over and rolls her eyes and says she doesn’t put out and no blowies because she’s innocent and pure but he just needs a goddammed blow job come on lady come on just one blow job and she leaves to get a drink of water so naturally he dresses up like a clown and chases her around to stab her to pieces and they run outside and she bops him with a shovel or something and then stabs him in the balls and says something about here’s your fucking blow iob suck on this and we cut to the opening credits. Now I don’t remember you ever telling me about this part of your life but I’m sure, as a dude, you like those parts people encounter in life as rare as they are but I don’t remember you ever telling me about that kind of depraved perverse craving. Also, you’re still alive and we drank beer and played cards the other weekend so you seem to be doing ok although the few of us left still like to joke about how your hernia made it look like you had three balls. “JESUS CHRIST IT’S AS BIG AS A SWEET POTATO.” Someone said.

After the credits, it’s a year later or so and our girl has a new hairdo and seems real shy and these three girls – wait I did mention this is a Troma release? These three girls, one off which is an overweight guy in tights and a wig and a mouthpiece to hold her braces together, invite shy girl to a sleepover so she can meet a boy to go to the dance with. “I don’t want to go you know I murdered my last boyfriend” she argues, “but you have to” they coo and coddle, “how else will you meet another boy ever”, “oh ok” she says “I guess that would be nice but remember I’m really shy because I murdered my last boyfriend”. “Oh Debby!” They laugh. Or is it Debbie? I just can’t remember this detail.

Back at home, Debbie’s mom introduces her to her new doctor – a guy from the local asylum who grabs her butt and puts his card in her underwear strap like when you give a stripper some money for dancing in front of you, not that I ever did that I just heard about it from a friend. “Give me a call sometime peach buns if you want a sweet mustache ride” he says to this character who is supposed to be in high school. “Uh ok” she says and gets ready to leave to go to the sleepover.

In what I think was probably the best – and that’s a loose term there – part of this movie two heavily tattooed and half dressed chicks are making out and fondling each others chest. “Like this??” One says while handling the other’s uh um er I mean bosoms. “No I think it goes like this” says the other and starts uh um you know er I mean groping the other and the doorbell rings and it’s as guy holding some pizza boxes and the girls are all “we didn’t order pizza” and the guy smiles and you know this is finally going to be your first porn you’ve ever watched in your life but he says “well someone ordered this pizza” and the girls say “what kind of pizza is it” and he whips out a weapon from the pizza box and screams “ITS MURDER PIZZA BITCH!” and a graphic pops up on the screen and cuts to the sleepover and apparently the girls were watching a scary movie called Murder Pizza. I didn’t see any of that coming and thought it was funny.

Over at the insane asylum, mustache ride doctor is waxing philosophical about how he’s in love with the crazy girl who stabbed her boyfriend in the balls and leaves to go find her and bang her and he absent mindedly leaves every door in the asylum unlocked so the inmates go through a convenient giant box of costumes and weapons and head out too, with the intention of killing everyone and dry humping men and women all over town.

Does all of this sound familiar? Did you not tell me about this part of your life? This doesn’t sound like something you would have left out of things we talk about over beer and cards. Hmmm anyway. Maybe it’s all the humping?

Speaking of humping, I asked Steve Loggins to make us some visuals of people in “crash test dummy masks dry humping” since that really happens in Psycho Sleepover. Here is the male version:

And here is the female since we are all about fairness and equality here at Eric Undead:

Are these truly psychos? I feel like the answer is yes. Maybe that’s what I remember from our adventures or misadventures. In here, just like that summer, these lunatic asylum escapees all converge on one house and, in low budget film making mode, do a lot of standing around and arm waving. As in , they aren’t attacking anything or being psychotic but just kind of standing around, maybe waving a machete or hobo basket or a staple gun, just random shit. But inside, we find that SURPRISE the two ladies playing teenagers really are psychos too and are going to murder their dates and the girl who stabbed her boyfriend in the balls for good measure! Shit! Meanwhile, outside, two males, probably in their late twenties keep peeping in at the girls in their lingerie. “Oh yeah man!” One of the says while beating his meat. “I just want to get my first boner!” The other one openly cries and I’m not making that up.

Over the next 40 minutes or so: people dry hump things, people get shot, nipples get stapled, a woman shows her very very hairy chest to the guy who wants his first boner, a dude shaves his legs and a completely random lady runs topless down a hall in slow motion and kills the one kid giving him his first hardie before he dies so there’s a lot going on here although none of it is particularly good . There’s one part where this guy kills someone and then rubs his butthole on their nose. And then does it again which was weird but funny. I feel like there was something else besides that and Murder Pizza but I can’t remember.

Overall this movie wasn’t too bad but it also didn’t really capture those summer nights between freshman and sophomore year. I mean it’s obvious they got close but took some liberties. For real, where we grew up and back in those days if you were going to hump something you meant it, none of this fake shit. Hedges? Check! The countertop? Check! Smith’s sister? Check! No one humped air where we came from. That bag of flour? Check! I mean come on.

I hope you made money from selling your memories. I wonder if I should have seen some of those returns? Did you envision me as the boyfriend character who got tied up and got his nipples staple-gunned? Or was I the guy who promised to go get help, stepped outside for one second and then someone threw back in half of a bloody skeleton? Was that my film rendition? Half a bloody skeleton? I don’t know if I should be impressed, grateful or ashamed. Well shit my lunch hour is about over do I have to go back to work and do important things. Again I hope you’ve made out well here and dream of humping expensive bags of creamy yogurt.

FILED UNDER: PERSISTENT HUMPING

SUB-FILED UNDER: