Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhh. I um er um uh hmmm. Well I uh er. In the first one of these I thought there was innocent charm and someone making silly drawings on the fridge and someone got raked to death and someone ate tacos in a bikini at a restaurant with a cutout of Hitler keeping her company and guys patting other guys on the butt and sniffing their fingers and I thought it was cheap decent fun and there was Smelly Susie there and it was all good enough for me. A year or so later the exact same people are back at it with the exception of some actress changes which won’t make any difference unless you are some sort of Bikini Bloodbath Purist and can’t stand some slight deviations. Are YOU a Bikini Bloodbath Purist? Let’s check.

Do you enjoy a female that wakes up from sleep in a fully lit room with either nothing on her top side or just a frilly bra she must have been sleeping in all night? If so, both movies have this to start the thing off although the actress from the first one has changed and in the second there are two females in stages of undress. How does this affect your Bikini Bloodbath Purist rating? Purist = no. More buns = yes.

Did looking at a poster of a band called White Liger excite you? In this case your Puritanism is safe since I believe the same poster is there! ✔️

You might be disappointed in this next category since these females are supposed to be in college and previously they were in high school. Note that all actresses in either cast appear to be in their mid to late 20s and strike me as professionals, perhaps exotic dancers, maybe burlesque. Have you ever been to a guys only bachelor party at someone’s house or apartment? The two I’ve been to both had one dancer, one bouncer and a living room full of beer drinking dudes doing motorboats on the dancer. If you’re not familiar with the term it’s when someone puts another persons face in their um er um I mean uh um er bosoms and the persons face kind of rubs around back and forth in there like the smaller cylinder engine of a water vehicle or maybe an old VW Beetle thubathubathuba thubathubathuba thubathubathuba. My experience is only been between myself a a female,s um er uh well um I uh bosoms but when I was typing this up I started thinking in this day and age anyone’s bosoms are probably fair game and not necessarily like people might think the old days between a man a woman. I’ve always been a big fan of the female body and don’t think I’d want to motorboat some dude’s boobs but people and society are different then when I was growing up and that’s not my business who wants to thubathubathuba who and to each their own and lots of luck. But back to our Purism check, college not high school – same environment but technically not the same so plunk.

Did you find your thrills when the first girl of the cast went downstairs, French kissed the poster of White Liger and then went to her kitchen and found the drawing her dad had made of someone’s butthole and dangling ballsack? You can see what Eric Undead Art Department tried to recreate here but sadly no balls and dong this time. Instead we are introduced to an imbecilic professor in a sailors cap that calls himself Professor Shipwreck. While not the Puritismic Rigidity you might be looking for, there’s a similar gag where he writes out his name on the chalkboard and there’s a dick and butthole in it. Let’s see if I I mean the Eric Undead Art Department can recreate it here:

I need to go throw that away before someone comes in to my office and sees that on my desk. Brb.

As it goes in life our characters just need to make some money because times are hard man times are hard so they go work at the car wash run by Debbie Rochon who returns as the same lesbian horny pervert character from the first one even though she was killed previously, so Purism Fail. At the car wash which does business outside with hoses and buckets instead of car washing machines, females of various ages wriggle around in their bikinis and soap each other up and their bosoms rub on windows and they dance and laugh and really reminded me of that gas station scene with the male models in Zoolander and somehow with all of that going on I didn’t find any of it sexy at all somehow and this twenty minute scene for some unknown reason ends with a lengthy cheap take on the Beat It video by Michael Jackson. So um side glances um ok. So no football cheerleading warmups but they go take showers much like the first movie so… Purism engaged? Truthfully I just don’t know about this one but instead of guys slapping other guys on their butts and smelling their fingers, this one had a bit where one of our characters can’t find her merkin, eventually finds it and gives it a long and loving sniff. Purist OCD grade might be a – oh I don’t know anymore.

Speaking of the chef who i just remembered is named Chef Death, they raked him to death the last time around, he’s brought back to life via ouija, emerging from the grave with his chef hat, knives and apron and continues showing up randomly to murder and — eat them? Maybe? I’m unsure really. At one point he cuts off a guy’s nipple and admires it like some sort of gourmet pepperoni slice and then sticks it on a girl’s forehead so I’m kind of confused by that whole bit. Later, the irritating fatter guy who is probably more comedy relief is in the hot tub by himself because he’s been peeing in it and Chef Death creeps up behind him and starts slicing onions into the water. I thought it was even weirder that this world famous chef was slicing the onions skin and all into the water when it is well known you should peel them first so I guess those onions are going to really suck in his soup. He also keeps muttering the word “bouillon” over and over so I was just figuring he was hungry or maybe this whole things is about him wanting to prepare a nice menu for a new diner he’s opening or something. I don’t know for sure I’m sorry if I let anyone down on that one.

What else happens here? They do have the party at the car wash owner’s house like before and you’ll love this but on the shelf or pantry behind where most of the action takes place, there’s a gap between the top of the cabinet and the ceiling and the items on top of that shelf change constantly. Think one to three roles of paper towels to being fully stocked with 20 or so or having bags of chips and things. I don’t know if that’s the model of consistency we’re probably looking for here but that happens. We also have the girl on the toilet who is randomly killed and everyone doesn’t know what to do but Professor Shipwreck will go check it out because he hopes she’s taking a dump (his words). The big finale finds Rochon’s character killed again and the blond above knocking Chef Death’s head off in the worst baseball swing you’ve ever seen in your life but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t picked for the cast for her batting swing.

FILED UNDER: HONESTLY NOT THE WORST BUT THE NOVLETY WORE OFF SINCE IT WAS THE SAME EXACT THING AND I GUESS I JUST LIKED IT BETTER THE FIRST TIME.

The last time when i wrote about that first movie i mentioned there was a card board cut-out of Hitler doing his salute at the Mexican restaurant, well Purists, this time they changed it up but we still have the same joke and i took a picture of it so you didn’t think i was pulling your leg: