For a little while now I’ve been thinking about getting tubi because everyone seems to have it and I feel like there’s a lot more movies out there than what I normally use plus after I watched Haunted House on Sorority Row I wanted to watch another movie by the guy who made that and it’s called Babysitter Massacre and I swear I saw somewhere that it was on tubi so I made all the right moves and signed in and searched Babysitter Massacre and nothing came up and I searched by the director’s name and still nothing so I looked around more and spent too much time scrolling around and just went with what was near the top of the list: Swingers Massacre – a thriller about a couple who decide to become swingers and then the husband gets jealous when people make it with his wife so he goes around killing them. It seemed plausible and maybe right up my alley since I like those things and it was from 1974 and that’s my kind of time period so come on tubi let’s go yay yay party party party 🎉 I mean I’m not looking to swing with tubi I’m just saying I’ve never seen this on Prime or Midnight Pulp so wheee a new place for some forgotten pieces of our history that will help us learn from the past so we don’t continue to make the same mistakes in the future. Right? I’m sure Swingers Massacre is an amazing cautionary tale we all could learn from so our children are safe. And maybe you’re like me and don’t have kids so when I say “our” I mean “our” collective future generations of people walking around out there. And maybe they’re all thinking about rubbing all over each other and putting things other people that aren’t their life-mates. So after that amazing introductory paragraph, let’s see what history has to tell us.

Apologies for some crude language here:

Our man Charlie has a problem. He gets turned on by his wife but then busts his nut too quick leaving her unfulfilled and underwhelmed and he can tell she’s go the blues. His friend tells him about a swingers club where they can meet couples to swing with and I don’t mean swing dance or sit on the porch with. She resists the idea but he actually makes her do this against her will so they meet some swingers and go to a party and head off to ball some relative strangers. But our man has had too much to drink and can’t get it up for anyone while his young and hot wife is banging it all night with three dudes (not at once). She’s wibbly and wobbly after a fulfilling night of heavy poundy intimacy and Charlie couldn’t even get one going. Was it too much scotch or some other malady affecting his doodle? Either way, she got her rocks off and now he’s pissed. And death is coming up with the sunrise! Death!

Before I go into more details about this wonderful story I want to say that this movie looks absolutely terrible stretched out on a big screen tv where I do my movie watchin’. I’m not sure if they were filming without licenses so they had to shoot at night in unlit parking garages or apartments with the lights turned to dim so no one would see what they were doing but the graininess and analog-iness and shadowy-ness made this very difficult. It felt like most of the time the actors just looked like misshapen pancakes with some sort of wig or something. Except for the couple of scenes by a pool it seemed like the outside shots were filmed from a long way away and zoomed in telescopically and then they did some aggravatingly scratchy voiceover later. So I feel like from a technical standpoint this was a disaster and might remind you of a murky dream you had once when you were a kid that’s lingering but fading and fading but you don’t want to give it up because maybe the furniture reminds you of your grandparent’s when you were a baby or maybe it was the first boob you ever saw or something like that but it barely resembles anything these days. I fully remember there being lightbulbs and sunlight in the 70s.

Speaking of irritating things, after Charlie convinces his wife Amy to go swing, they go to this club really called “Filthy McNasty’s” to meet their upcoming sex partners. In this horribly dark and noisy place, a band sings a song called “Filthy McNasty’s” for really what seemed like 20 minutes while people kept coming up and introducing themselves to each other. It really did take FOREVER but I didn’t want to let myself cop out on a random and obscure 70s movie so I pressed on even though it was making my head hurt. There’s not much good about this whole sequence whatsoever unless you like clangy music, crowded bars and people sitting in a booth in the dark. If that’s your thing I bet you’d love this bit and you can look up the deets on IMDb under the unsettling other name it goes by: Inside Amy. Filthy McNasty for the win. I guess if that’s where you go to meet some swingers.

Later, at the apartment, everyone is getting their drink on and like I mentioned earlier, everyone gets laid except for Charlie whose weenus just won’t play ball. Next day, after the orgy, one of the dudes calls Charlie to play poker and bring his wife because she’s the best lay he ever had. Instead he goes to the apartment where they’re playing poker and kills one of them. Then he follows one home and kills him too for good measure. Kills him right there, deader than fuck. Then he goes and shoots someone assassin style with one of those high powered hunting rifles – one of those with the telescope with the cross through it so we get that snazzy shit. While he’s doing all of that, one of the ladies from the first night of balling each other calls Amy and asks them to come over so she can ball her and Amy’s never been with a woman so she says yes she’ll ball another woman but only her and not some skank. Probably two people that may or may not look at my blog will recognize Rene Bond here. True story: the lady who works directly across the hall from me just came into my office where I’m typing on my phone and told me “well (her) dog had done it again”. I said something like “huhh?” She said she and her dog were out walking on her property and the dog found a five foot rat snake and picked it up and took it out in the woods and then rolled around in the rat snake musk. I said something like “that’s disgusting” and she asked me if I’d ever smelt snake musk. I said something like “not that I know of and I hope I never do” and she explained that when snakes get scared they emit a scent and it smells terrible and her dog likes to roll around in it and now it’s in her house. And while all of that may seem like an unimportant tidbit of my life – I would probably describe Charlie from this movie as smelling like that. He’s scared and pissed yet these ladies still want to roll around on him even though he can’t get his dick to function and he probably stinks,

But all of that leads us up to – believe it or not – a satisfying conclusion. SPOILERS: Charlie thinks Amy’s balling the two guys that have been hanging around lately even though he knows they’re cops. He goes crazy! She scratches the shit out of his face! She shoots him with a conveniently placed and never before seen pistol! The camera stops on a still of her screaming. Everyone’s nice and quiet suburban life has gone to shit. Almost everyone is dead and Charlie never got laid. What a shame. It just proves that old parable to be true: keep it in your fucking pants.

FILED UNDER: Snake odor is generally a defensive, musky scent released from cloacal glands when a snake is threatened, cornered, or stressed. It is often described as a, pungent odor similar to rotting cucumbers, fish, or skunk.