I will always be honest I mean mostly I mean maybe I see things differently than other people or intended audiences or I mean sometimes I might embellish or maybe even I mean make something up but for real I’ll always tell you the real truth sometimes it’s just more fun to tell stories but the truth of it is: I only watched this movie because Amazon – where I do most of my movie watchin’ – indicated that I would probably like Cruel Summer 2 so naturally I must watch Summer 1 because we don’t just go watch some sequel without watching the first one what are we French and now that that’s all out in the open I can honestly say that I think you know me and I’ll stick up for the little guys and I don’t like bullies but ultimately doo doo stinko on Cruel Sumner for the most part. Hopefully since they made a second one maybe they polished it up a little bit and maybe straightened things out and came in from the rain and all of that shit but this one I didn’t care for too much. I would say I liked some of the practical effects when they used them and maybe the blond lady I forget her character’s name it might have been something like Jason Vorhees I think and geez there was this one actress who was in it for maybe 15 seconds that reminded me not necessarily of Bijou Phillips who I’ve always liked but more like Uncle Baby Billy’s wife who I always liked too. Other than those two small things I didn’t like any of this very much but of course I’ll watch the second one because I must.

In this one some college chicks decide to have an 80s party out in a house someone’s family rents. They invite three dudes so they can either get laid or get them back for some prank I can’t really remember or care and they invite another dude to come around and wear a mask and scare them. As exciting as all of that sounds, it really wasn’t. The three guys were terrible and one of them – I really couldn’t tell – was either dubbed or ADR-d because his mouth was never in sync with the words he was saying and it was very irritating. I couldn’t really buy into the rest of the cast either – I remember one lady, an extra, who was probably something like “female car victim” or something gets scared and tries to run away from the killer but really doesn’t try to run or even move fast and gets killed by something like a slap on the back or something I didn’t really believe in.

But most of the killing in this thing is super fake and maybe it’s their early movie which is still more than I’ve ever made but some of it was just silly. Here’s and example:

The setting; a general store or gas station of some sort, only the exterior. Much like a cabin. A man goes to use the bathroom, two females in ragged clothes and dirty faces sit on some sort of thing two people could sit on. He passes by and says something like “hi, gotta shit” and one girl smiles like a dipshit and the other shows she’s holding a pair of scissors . The gate to the crapper swings shut and we hear a sound effect of shears opening and closing a couple of times shing shing shing and we know this character is dead. Why, and that was stupid. Also, this picture is not from the movie and something Steve and I made using our infinite creativity.

Later one of the irritating dudes who was invited to the party, the one with the half shirt and the mullet is outside someone’s door even though I never understood where. “I’m drunk y’all I’m so fucking drunk y’all” he speaks and weeble wobbles around a little bit. “I’m so drunk y’all” and someone comes up and hits him on the head and he dies. Whut.

And this whole thing is like that. The very opening: a guy is driving a car and he is drinking from a bottle of hooch. Two people are standing somewhere. A sound effect of tires braking and they are dead. The man arrives at his destination and finishes his whisky. “Daddy’s home!” he whispers and gets out of the car to go murder his family even though I think he just ran them over. It was totally dumb.

And then there was this one part where these two people were just randomly walking down the side of the road and I mean super randomly and it’s a guy and a girl and you only see them for maybe four seconds so we have to kind of imagine what their purpose was or what their character’s motivations were so I’m going to have to take a stab at what they might have been talking about and I think it must have gone something like this:

Girl: Hey you know what?

Guy: No not really. It’s super hot out here?

Girl: No that’s not it i mean really what hahahah come on no i was thinking about what my girlfriend told me before we decided to come walk down this street in the night like this earlier we were sitting there in the den and she came in with a couple of drinks i think they were chocolate malts or maybe shakes i can never remember what the difference is and wait one of them was strawberry that’s right because i wanted to try hers which was the strawberry one and i asked if i could taste it and she said i probably shouldn’t because she’d been sick earlier and i asked her what do you mean sick like the flu or something and she said no it was just my stomach and i thought it was because i gave my boyfriend some head this morning and later there i was at the garage dropping my car off and standing there at the counter waiting for the guy to come get my keys you know the key fob and there it goes my stomach is rumbling and turning over and oh my stars i thought i was gonna shit everywhere right there in the lobby of the dealership and i think the guy’s name was Patrick you know the guy helping me and he was all you ok lady you look pale and i’m thinking i can either shit right here in front of everyone or rely on faith and the lord to hold it back until i get to the bathroom because this is going to be unholy and he takes my keys i mean the key fob and i’m going out to meet my boyfriend to pick me up and maybe give some more head and then there it goes you know right there all over the place right in front of everyone and i’m so embarrassed and i hear the intercom system thing say ‘gonna need a clean up in the garage again’ and i start crying and almost faint and the garage guys you know the ones that work there fixing cars they come out with some sort of hose i think they use to hose down the oil drips from leaky motors and there they are spraying me down and squeegee-ing everything into some drain and i’m all soaking wet and the garage door opens and i go out to the car and my boyfriend asks what happened to me and i tell him and he makes some wisecrack like now that’s a transmission fluid flush if i ever heard of one and finally we get home and i put on some dry clothes and come over here and i just love you so much so i made these shakes and here we are but you better not drink out of mine just in case it wasn’t because of the head I gave and i tell her ok that’s a real good idea and i even called her honey but i don’t know why so i just drank my chocolate shake and we chit chatted about other things besides poop and mechanics and then i saw it was time for us you know you and me or is it you and i oh i can never remember you and me i guess to go for our walk so i excused myself and met you at the corner of this unpopulated street so we could walk down it in the dark swinging our arms like this.

Guy: Wow ok well let’s walk near this car over here it looks like that guy might be dead what with all that blood there like that but I’m sure it’s safe.

Girl: ok that sounds good but just remember what my Gramma Peter said – she said not to go putting your finger in anything bloody because that might be your own blood and

And then sadly that’s cut off by (I think) a slap on the head or back and we just have to wonder in amazement how they got all of that crammed into four seconds. Also not from the movie:

Anyway, I can’t say I loved it or even really liked this one. All of the characters seemed to be named after horror folks and I think the one cast member I liked was calked ‘Felissa’ but aside from her I was kind of annoyed a lot of the time. But hey! They got their movie made so I hope they all had fun and are lighting their incense to cover their poopies with hundred dollar bills and eating foie gras all day and night by the pound. I know of course there’s a sequel since that’s what compelled me to see this in the first place and it looks like there’s a third so I hope they all get better because you know what Gramma Peter said “the second time you give head is always better than the first”.

FILED UNDER: CAR BATTERY TO YOUR TEETS, SCISSOR NOISES AND THIS GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN THE PARKING LOT THIS MORNING WITH HIS LOUD BASS IS REALLY REALLY IRRITATING WHY CANT HE JUST TURN THAT DOWN ONE OR TWO DECIBELS COME ON MISTER OK HE’S GONE AND I THINK HIS CAR IS A FIAT YOU DON’T SEE THOSE HERE WHERE I LIVE VERY OFTEN HE MUST BE VERY CLASSY. LIKE ME.