“Die die die!” Screams the killer. Over and over he thrusts and pokes, pushing and thrusting and jabbing and poking and thrusting and pushing and pumping and thrusting. He is even a master of archery, has the strength of Hercules and the speed of Mercury. “Death death die die!” he screams. But no one is listening! No one can hear him! Is he failing his mission? He had an appointment from his god. His god is fair but cruel. And he will continue his duty, he is forever vigilant. Always on the wall.

Daphne Zuniga is in this movie and my opening paragraph was originally developed in my brains as a long joke ending in “I didn’t know you were Druish!” but then I lost interest and remembered spaceballs is coming out with a sequel and I don’t want any part of that but I’m also lazy and didn’t want to lose my “his god is fair but cruel” line so I just moved on. I also wanted to include “he’s probably somewhere smoking cigarettes with his feet!” but I didn’t get there either so I think we should all just move on and try to get our Monday going properly. There was also something about “that upper part of the buttcrack” but I forget what that was all about so AHEM. Moving on.

To start: a girl wakes in the night. Her mother is screaming! She goes to her – the viewer sees she is probably screaming in ecstasy because Clu Gallagher is boning her! Clu Gallagher! Another man comes in – are they going to have some sort of orgy or three way? How exciting! You don’t see that in modern movies anymore. Bring on an orgy of flesh! But no – sadly – the two men fight and someone takes a bottle of booze to the face and he catches on fire from the fireplace. Aieee aieee he screams flailing around in 80s slow motion dream sequence style. Aieee aieee! The girl wakes! She is an adult and she is Daphne Zuniga! Standing above her are several scantily dressed females on or about her own age and they are chanting gibberish! They get her out of bed and escort her down a hall all the while chanting shit that makes no fucking sense. “Blah blah blah do rah do rah! Blue blue blue shippity do!” They say over and over until they come before a figure wearing a cape and cowl. “Silence you bitches!” She snaps and tells Zuniga and her pledge friends they have to pass a test tomorrow night to make it into the sorority. “You have to steal……… the security guard’s uniform!” she commands in delight. Elsewhere, a mild mannered security guard minding his own business gets a monstrous erection. “What’s going on here tonight?” he asks himself . He takes off all of his clothes and lights a smoke then gets to work on himself with both hands while awkwardly sitting on his desk and smoking a cigarette with his feet. Just in case you don’t believe me, here’s a picture I took of my tv while he was in the act:

Whistle whistle. Brother that might be some of my best work I mean the picture I took of my tv.

Elsewhere, at the insane asylum, lunatics are milling about everywhere. Outside, the trustee lunatic is doing some planting with a three pronged garden tool. His face is all burned up!! Shit!! Something happens for no reason and he starts digging harder and harder and thrusting and poking and jabbing and digging and poking and thrusting and the insane are watching him from the barred up window and they’re all hollering and screaming and hooting and cheering and yelling and the nurses and orderlies are afraid for their own safety and then we cut back to the Clu Gallagher household where a somber woman is talking to her daughter who keeps having bad dreams of two people making love and a man getting burned up and she says something like ‘come on honey be a good sissy and just shut up and take your tranquilizers’ and she hangs up her rotary phone and then it rings again and someone from the insane asylum is on the other line and they tell Gallagher something we can’t hear but we can tell from his ever cool but steely eyed face that something is wrong so he hangs up and tells his wife there’s been some commotion at the insane asylum and she says “Is it?” and he says “yes it’s him” and they grimace and she drinks some more expensive scotch and we cut back to the institute and the nurse is going home after her shift but the inmates are on the loose and they attack her sedan much like the scene in Halloween and everything is going apeshit and then someone kills her dead as fuck with a three pronged gardening tool.

Back at the college, our heroine has quite simply had enough of her bad dreams. “Poopity doopity! Quite simply I’ve had enough of these bad dreams!” She complains to her sorority lady friends. “I’m going to put on these skimpy black underwear that leave the top part of my buttcrack exposed and go see that cute dream interpreter research guy over in that other building on campus. Surely he’ll be able to stick electrodes and beepy things to my body and head and then tell me all about sleep paradigms!” “You go girl!” They cheer. “Don’t get The Clap!”

Elsewhere, back at the Mansion, someone commits murder on Gallagher! With a three pronged garden tool! And they pop off his head! “Choose a god you think is fair,” someone in the shadows whispers and SHALOOP! Ack! “I swear he’ll lose his head someday” his wife literally says dangling his car keys even though he was murdered out there putting luggage in his car trunk.

Back at the sorority, we are introduced to or more likely now focusing more on a new character / actress that I really liked, and not just because she spends some time on roller skates. She’s peppy and energetic and reminds me of Judy Greer and she’s fun. She’s also one of the pledges who’s going to go steal that poor guy’s security guard outfit. “This is the last time you’re ever going to see these!” She says lifting up her shirt. And doesn’t say or do that but it just felt right, if you get it. Also, she roller skates around for awhile.

Is this going too long? I feel like it is. I’m sure anyone who reads this has tuned out by now. the rest of the movie is basically this: a killer is going around doing murder on the college kids trapped the high rise shopping mall. The shopping mall owned by the late Clu Gallagher’s character whose daughter snuck in to steal a guard outfit. A guard who was also killed by a three pronged garden tool. And to top it all off – there’s a big reveal at the end that I never saw coming – so: nicely done.

I thought this movie was good fun. My one complaint might be that building they used as a shopping mall but maybe I’ve just never seen one like that. It looked more like an office building with a couple of offices staged to look like retail stores but I could be completely wrong. I thought it was good fun otherwise. Things that could be triggering from this movie: rotary phones, a guy in a giant penis and balls Halloween costume and a girl driving around in one of those white Volkswagen convertibles just like the one that one girl you liked in high school had but she never gave you the time of day because she had a boyfriend or something like that that dirty tramp.

FILED UNDER: ROLLER SKATES AND THREE PRONGED GARDEN TOOLS AND SMOKING CIGARETTES WITH YOUR FEET AND SHALOOP