The day I started watching this I was off work in the afternoon so a workman could come over and fix the refrigerator. I always feel weird watching a particular type of horror movie when I’m in that situation so I put on a anthology hoping they would be short enough to not weird anyone out and also not too grisly or too screamy or too people having sexy or giant sized female parts paused on the tv when he comes over to get payment. “The fridge is ready sir that’ll be 3 hundred-“ (having paused to get my wallet) “oh I well” (I notice the tv) “it’s a horror movie” (he judges me) “see these two deadbeat stoner teens found this dead girl, see, chained up so-“ (realizes what I’m saying) “look man I’m just here for the fridge” (reaching for wallet) “ ha ha yeah it’s the dumb horror movie” “it’s three hundred and thirty dollars” “yeah heh heh yeah” )”(hands over card). I mean that’s happened to each of us, right? Right?

So this is one of those anthologies with a wraparound story and the only reason I picked it was because of the good looking babe on the Amazon info screen and I guess I can’t be too disappointed if I didn’t have any expectations and I’m sure these people put a lot of work and effort into these shorts but I just didn’t give a shit about any of them. Not even the wraparound which makes me think of a reacharound and I don’t even know if that would have saved the day for this thing and plus I think that’s the first time I’ve ever used “reacharound” out here. How educational that will be for the folks who read this that don’t know what that is.

To open the good looking babe wakes up from sleeping and looks around and there’s some dude standing there in a mask and she looks at a piece of art which takes us to:

I have no idea what this is called even though I could look it up but here are my notes on this one:

Alone?

A very tired looking woman is hearing noises coming from somewhere in her apartment. Either her neighbor or superintendent doesn’t believe her so she hires some guy to come over and listen. He says he hears it an it’s unpleasant and he just leaves and the girl kind of gets enveloped by shadows and then pokes her head out of the shadows and sees herself very tiredly looking into the shadows from the very start of the short. I reckon it had to do with loneliness, depression, grief or awkwardness but these things escape me.

The wraparound lady walks to another piece of art with the masked man behind her.

My note for the next one: Pretty good

It took me awhile to remember what this was about but basically you have a stark naked and grotesque dead woman corpse on a slab and the new coroner lady getting ready to autopsy her I guess. The lights get turned off and then we “weeping angel doctor who style” around the morgue and it was good. The coroner lady had a good scared screamy thing going on. Note: if you’re looking for some saucy nudity, this isn’t it.

The wreaparound lady walks to another piece of art with the masked man behind her.

Note: Exploding boobs

I’m not sure how this was received in Australia but this is the plastic surgery gone wrong thing where lips and boobs explode and they keep wanting more things injected in them. They sure made a real mess with all of the goos and gels and slimes all over everyone but it wasn’t my favorite thing I’ve ever seen. Or even too close.

The wreaharound lady walks to another piece of art with the masked man behind her.

In the next one some lady psychiatrist has been treating this other lady in the same insane asylum since she was a kid. “You’ve looked but never seen what I draw” the kid who’s now a lady says so the doctor lady looks. “You have to give to take” says the crazy lady and then she kills herself and is finally freed of her troubles and the doctor lady is now trapped seeing the shadow people. And probably ends up drawing them and saying things like “you’ve looked but never seen what I draw.”

The reaharound lady walks to another piece of art with the masked man behind her.

A cheatin’ wife appears to have just got done doing the nasty or bumping uglies or the unskinny bop or going to Eastman and Smith or the hibbity bibbity or the back of your old man’s Ford or whatever Australians call it these days as her boss or office mate smooths her hairs down and gives her a key and says something like “next time we afternoon delight in this hotel room mate” and he leaves and she puts away the desk picture of her husband and family and grimaces but not in that grimacey way like you might see when someone achieves that afternoon delight but maybe the way someone looks when they sit down on a full bottle of water and schloop right up broadway if you know what I mean. So she leaves work and gets on a train and it seems to be a one way train to hell filled with grotesqueries and people huffing paint and people coughing and spitting and a priest with either a giant birthmark or a burned face. At her stop she gets in her car and runs over some kid I think and the priest gives her some sort of get out of jail free ticket and she has a chance to renounce her cheatin ways. Later he gives the hotel key to the dude from the beginning and gives him a nice big smile. I don’t know if he intends to do the choo choo train to Melbourne with this guy or what because here is my note for this one;

Losing interest quick

The reacharound lady walks to another piece of art with the masked man behind her.

Note: Watching people eat is gross

Note: Something about an axe and shit

Note: Camera lady and naked dude firework

The reacharound lady is dead and the credits roll and the reacharound segment is called “Life Imitates Art” . Huh. Not my favorite collection of things or even my liked collection of things but I hope they all had fun and made some money and Rode the 6:50 to Pampa or even Boiled The Cabbage and Potatoes. Or whatever the kids call it today.

FILED UNDER: WHO BOILED THE CABBAGE AND BABEK EXPLORES THE FIRE HOLE AND FILTHY JUNGLE SEX LIKE THE ANIMAL AND SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST AND EASTMAN AND SMITH