In Mardi Gras Massacre a man with an unnaturally loud voice pays hookers 200 dollars to get completely naked and lie on a leather bed altar thing. He then ties them up with flimsy rope, rubs them completely down with oil and gets into his best gold mask and tunic to sacrifice them to an Aztec god. To finish things up he sticks his hand up the stomach and rips out the heart while the “whooshing wind sounds” of the TARDIS dematerializing make for dramatic effect (at least the old TARDIS sound effects) (I liked the Nu Who for a little bit but got burned out during Capaldi’s effort). Does any of that sound good to you? Naked women and Aztec gods? Deep voices and corrupt cops? Extended disco dancing scenes and the filthy stinking streets of New Orleans? If you answered yes to any of these things then this may be the movie for you! Even my dig at the Nu Who Generation- this could be the one. Will it be The One that will change your life for better or worse? I kind of doubt that too but anything’s possible these days I suppose.

A man walks into a bar. He asks some hookers who the most evil woman in the bar is. “Oh that’s her over there” they say and point her out. “She’s so evil they make those boils on your pecker look like filthy fruit flies, flatfoot”, they say. They don’t really say that line but soon enough he’s whipped out his pecker four fifty dollar bills and he and his date are on their way to his apartment. “TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!” He commands using a straight face. “LIE ON THIS TABLE!” She obliges because 200 bucks is 200 bucks no matter what decade it is, come on man. “I AM GOING TO GET PREPARED!” As I mentioned before, soon he comes back all dressed to the 9s and rubs her down then cuts open her stomach and pulls out her heart. “THIS IS WITH WHAT YOU DO, EVIL!” He preaches, about her heart. “NOW YOU WILL NO LONGER DO EVIL AND YOU ARE PURE AGAIN JUST AS APU PUNCHAU INSTRUCTED!” He also doesn’t say that last line but I’ll give anyone who recognizes that last reference five very important and valuable Eric Undead Bucks^TM good for all of your shopping needs at the Eric Undead Dry Goods and Sundries^TM store coming very soon to your neighborhood. Luxurious items will be featured such as: dry mustards, exotic flour, tobacco pipes, men and women’s colognes, playing cards, stationeries, herb coated salamis, adult oriented reading materials, naturally grown scotch bonnet pepper seeds, leather wallets, unisex hand towels, short length and long length matches, magnifying glasses and, dependent on power supply, maybe a small refrigerated box containing string point beer, with cheesecake and green chile stew while supplies last.

Back in New Orleans, a hooker is found dead, with her heart cut out! “What is this some sort of ritual shit?” One of them says. “Beats me boss” says the other. “Man I remember when vice was a good beat” replies that one cop guy who looks kind of like a young Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. “Give me that hooker’s money” he says to the bartender. “She don’t need it no more.” “Man you used to be a good cop” says his partner. “Heh heh heh” smiles Bernie. “Yeah.” “You better find out who’s out there killing whores!” screams his wide lapeled cop boss. “I got a precinct to run and I can’t have dicks going around killing whores!” “Heh heh heh” smiles Bernie. “Yeah.”

Back in the urine soaked bars of New Orleans’ French Quarter, a man walks into a bar and asks who the most evil woman in the bar is. “Why that’s her over there” says someone “but she’ll cost you an arm and a leg” “NOT TO WORRY!” commands our man and pulls out a money clip full of 50 dollar bills. “NOW COME BACK TO MY APARTMENT WHERE YOU WILL STRIP AND I WILL RUB YOU WITH ANCIENT OILS!” “You got it, buck” she smiles fingering her 200 dollars. “I ain’t never been around four fifties!” “AND YOU WON’T BE FOR TOO LONG!” he casually thinks silently in his brain ” FOR I AM GOING TO CUT YOUR HAND AND YOUR FOOT AND THEN CUT INSIDE YOUR STOMACH AND THEN RIP OUT YOUR HEART AND CLEANSE YOU OF YOUR EVILNESS!”

Back at police HQ, the commander guy says “LOOK YOU SORRY SONS OF BITCHES IVE GOT A MARDI GRAS TO RUN SO YOU TWO PIECES OF SHIT BETTER GET OUT THERE AND CASE EVERY FUCKING JOINT IN NEW ORLEANS STARTING FROM AAYABDI’S HALAL TO ZEBEDIAH’S FRENCH QUARTER TICKLERS AND I MEAN NOW YOU PIG FUCKING SHEEP FUCKERS AND PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THAT CHINESE JOINT ON CANAL STREET YOU HOSEBEASTS!” That’s not exactly (sic) but that poster at the top is farther off subject than my monologue there and it’s close enough I think and off they go knocking on doors and showing a photograph of an imprint of a scar some dude’s ring signet left on a boob. “You seen this ring?” they ask the drug guy “no way pig” he replies and they rough him up a little. “You seen this ring?” they asks the owner of the Chinese food place. “No we closed” he says stereotypically. “You got a delivery guy?” they pressure. “Yeah he in back he good boy” “you seen this ring?” they ask “yeah he live at apartment (something or other) him good tipper”. Luck is on their side today!

At the apartment, our loud man has drugged three hookers this time! He’s also got them chained up a wall! “I AM GOING TO REMOVE THE EVIL FROM YOU BEFORE THE (some sort of season that I think matches up with Mardi Gras but Aztec-Ian) ENDS AND (Aztec God Lady) WILL RISE FROM THE ASHES AND RULE OVER CIVILIZATION ONCE MORE!” There’s still no mention of Apu Punchau- I was just excited to get him worked into my blog somehow. “HA HA HA HA GA HA GA GA’” he yells and I’m too lazy to correct my typing. “Aieeee! Aieee Aieee!” scream the ladies until our two brave and strong cops bust down the door like the heroes they are. “We’re here to save you three broads!” One of them says, re-uniting with his lost hooker squeeze. “I’ll never leave you again toots” he says as they kiss, French style.

And you think that would be it! But it’s not! Next there’s a fifteen minute chase-after-the-perp car chase through New Orleans! And the most awesome thing about us that our man is getting away – – – in a station wagon! Yes! We had one of thise when I was a kid. NOICE. “SCREECH SCREECH SCHREECH!” the tires screech as they pull around corners of the French Quarter, the film sped up to make it look like they’re driving fast. “DRIVE FASTER SO WE CAN GET THAT FIFTY DOLLAR BILL TOTING SON OF A BITCH HE’S BEEN KILLING ALL OF OUR HOOKERS YOU KNOW! COME ON DRIVE I KNOW THIS ISN’T SOME SORT OF F1 RACE OR SOMETHING BUT YOU CAN DRIVE FASTER THAN 20 COCKSUCKING MILES AN HOUR YOU COCKSUCKER DRIVE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!! WE’RE ON A HIGH SPEED CHASE AFTER A KNOWN SERIAL KILLER SO WE DON’T REALLY NEED TO CARE ABOUT PARISH RULES RIGHT NOW PLUS I WANT TO GET HOME A LITTLE EARLIER TONIGHT BECAUSE I PLAN ON GETTING LAID SOMEHOW EVEN IF I HAVE TO GO PAY SOMEONE I DON’T CARE IF I’M A COP YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUESTION MY MORALS OR ETHICS I ‘VE BEEN HITTING THE STREETS FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS NOW AND POUNDING CONCRETE ON THE BEAT SO I’VE EARNED THE GODDAMN RIGHT TO DIP MY JOHNSON IN ANYTHING I WANT TO OR EVEN NEED TO NOW LOOK” he pauses ” turn there, there he goes towards the wharf.”

I won’t tell you how this ends if you want to see it but compared to Swingers Massacre this is light years better. BUT also i like New Orleans and I’ve been there twice but not for Mardi Gras – I’ve only been in the summer and it was hot and humid as fuck both times but I had a good time. I didn’t really do any debauching but I had a good time. What else can I say – I liked this movie.

FILED UNDER: DISCO FLOOR FISTFIGHT AND ONLY THE MOST EVIL WOMEN AND LYING POSTERS AND HE GOOD TIPPER