This movie is lame as duck. Oh wait sorry for the spoiler. Let’s go back a minute. At one point Kiefer Sutherland’s dirty cop guy character screams at someone that “you’re so lame!” Which made me really think how lame this movie turned out to be – at least to me. But let’s go back further and recognize that I like Kiernan Shipka and I really like Jessica Jones I mean Krysten Ritter and I really like the 70s and Grindhouse and things that put a good effort into them and try hard and I think this was a giant mess that never clicked with me on any level and when Sutherland yelled at those hard ass tough Gen Z girls and called them lame, I realized how much I didn’t like this movie and hope everyone moves on to something much better. Again I really like Ritter and I think chicks that smoke are sexy but I don’t know if this will go down as one of the best of her uh um – oeuvre. Although I guess I did still think she was sexy but the character ugh and sheesh. And this movie isn’t about her being foxy – she’s the bad guy – this is about Shipka, whose name is Fox, playing a strung out druggie who steals some cocaine and wants to find her long lost sister. And become a badass. Stone Cold I suppose. I guess.

So Shipka is Fox who lives in a house with her abusive and drunk mother who beats her and her sister all over the place but she loves her sister so much so pure and innocent but shes had e-fucking-nough and throws her shit in a bag and runs away forever I’ll save you later dear sister but I’m leaving here to not get beat and punished no more sorry bro good luck I love you so much don’t get the clap and use deodorant I love you bye! And then the next time we see Fox she’s all drugged up and living by a dumpster and a stranger appears out of nowhere like some guardian angel, blocking out the sun with a big halo around her shadowy head and she’s something like “come with me if you want to live” even though it wasn’t that big it was close and she lets drugged out homeless kid lady drive her muscle car because she’s a badass chains smoking mentor lady who likes girls and plays poker and is in league with a dirty cop. “I love you so much” she declares and kisses homeless drug girl on the surely dirty and outside-filthy lips and puts her up in her home. Dirty homeless drug girl might have stinky armpits too which has never been my thing. At all.

And so it goes. In the new house there’s two other young ladies who do drugs and seem like I would hate them in real life and there’s the two bodyguards or guys who carry pistols or whatever and one is big muscle and beard guy and the other is the loud and long haired imbecile who probably goes to parties and puts his finger through his jeans zipper and acts like he’s walking around with his pee pee hanging out. “Look it’s my pee pee!” He says to a group of young women. “Want to see my pee pee?? Come on look at my pee pee!” But no one does so he screams louder “LOOK AT MY PEE PEE LOOK AT MY PEE PEE!” An still no one does so he gets on the couch and takes off his shirt and starts jumping around with with finger pointing out of his pants and his other having his shirt around “MY PEE PEE MY PEE PEE LOOK ITS MY PEE PEE HAVE YOU SEEN MY PEE PEE!!??!” But no one takes him up on his offer and eventually he tires and goes into the kitchen area where he mixes a drink of Diet 7-Up and cheap vodka and stands in the curve of the counter sniffling and crying and drinking and mumbling and then he takes out a joint and smokes the whole thing while chasing it with his mixed drink and his name up probably something edgy and cool like Thr33.

And that’s really not all that great and then Ritters character decides to expand from just drugs and get into illegal poker playing and then hears about a big score and sends her gum smacking, dark sunglasses wearing cop buddy to intercept the delivery. It’s Kiefer Sutherland who I really don’t have a big problem with but I’ve never really liked his daddy which I *think I might have detailed HERE which is the first post I ever wrote out here if you want to see how my writing has gotten worse over the years. So Sutherland kills the delivery guy and steals the weed and Fox gets stoned and sees a random girl in a barn and thinks it’s her I love you forever I’ll never leave you sister so she steals all of the stolen dope after Thr33 buries it in the woods and now the chase is on to find the random I love you I’ll never leave you sister while Thr33 chases her down and then they introduce a pair of Lebanese, nun-chuck wielding siblings, both of who pretty much irritated me to death. The guy sibling builds his own throwing stars because he likes 80s action movies and the girl sibling has crazy murder rage PTSD but can eat candy bars to calm her down. All of this leads up to the big showdown in the house where people turn on each other but just kidding I love you and other people fly all over the place doing slow motion Kung fu and throwing stars. And really the only thing I’ve made up so far is the potential back story about the guy and his pee pee and his name being Thr33.

Spoilers: in the end K Sutherland gets beat up by the Gen Z girls and he calls them lame then he gets arrested by his ethnic new recruit cop sidekick he’s been belittling all movie by calling her Shorty. That settles that and in the barn it turns out Fox didn’t actually see her long lost I love you I’ll never leave you sister because that sister killed herself a long time ago and her mind was just playing tricks on her so she kills Ritter with a homemade throwing star and uses the money from the stolen dope to renovate and class up the local roller skating rink.

This place is only my personal opinion of course and I think the concept of this thing was probably right on can you dig it but but I don’t think any of this really worked for me even though I used to love roller skating. If I tried to do that now and fell down I doubt I’d ever get up again so that’s out and there’s this one part where I’ll never leave you I swear sister I love you goes to her old family home and someone else lives there now but she comes out of it with a new change of clothes that fit and a wig so I wasn’t sure about that one either. Then she gets hit by a car and seems ok pretty quick so maybe this movie is all a testament to youth and the ability to rebound from shitass circumstances but I don’t know anything. I didn’t really find anything foxy or stone cold either so maybe I just missed the whole point who knows.

Sadly I didn’t think this one was for me at all and I file this under:

NOT FOXY AND LAME AS DUCK