About a year ago I watched a movie called The House of Screaming Glass where no glass ever screamed and a woman walked around slowly looking at things. Eventually she tried for twenty minutes to open a window and then tried the one next to it and it worked so she jumped out and died. I hated almost every second of it and since then I’ve become a fan of micro budget movies but that seemed like a hardship to get through so I called it a crucible of my shame for watching it and hoped something like that wouldn’t come to visit me again. I saw this particular movie did today on tubi and: I’m a fan of old Grindhouse movies and even a fan of the modern attempts at it for the most part and this promised Linnea Quigley who I’ve always been fond of so hey why not right it’s a hot summer day and I’m off work and I know I can turn it off but my space here is to talk blather ramble be stupid nonsense report on things for posterity and now it’s over and this one was rough and by rough I mean awful and by awful I mean miserable and whut and no and stink and even stank and I can’t see how this really exists and I’m sorry for sitting through the whole thing cry. This was a terrible mess of bad cgi and layover graphics and crappy sound and made no fucking sense and I know everything gets ripped off at some point but omg how bad can it get here I’m sorry people. I don’t get it. Imagine if someone took all of my writing which is what it is in itself and somehow made it worse and worse. I don’t know how that could be but here we are and what’s done is done I guess so let’s see what we’ve got. Party!

Quigley acts as the movie’s host and its only her head with a nurse cap on and she’s in front of a glitchy green screen of a movie theater and her hair and fingernails are all different colors so they blur and miss with the digital “effect” behind her so it’s really tough to watch and I think she’s reading from a cue card or some notepad off screen and she keeps cutting in about random things floating through her head and it’s so disjointed and messy and blurry and dumb I couldn’t really take it and it goes on the whole time and I guess we’ll always have Return of the Living Dead and Silent Night Deadly Night. At some point towards the beginning, she introduces the first effort which is called Manhunt and is a direct bad copy of Saw I guess and I hope all of these people got a good laugh out of their efforts and feel proud of this output and are eating lobster and filet on the Sunset Strip and drinking martinis and slapping themselves on the butts and saying “lads we did a good job here” because this is British I think.

We go to a pitch black screen with an extremely irritating cell phone ringtone from whatever year this was made and the only light is a brief blip of blue from the cell screen lighting up. Every now and then an Englishman says “I’ll bloody kill you” and then a HORRIBLE voiceover has some dude saying “play the game mate” with a response of things like “who bloody are you” and “I’ll bloody kill you”. There’s also a stupid clock ticking sound and we learn that if the dude doesn’t cut his hand off a box above him will open up and he’ll be devoured by rats. “I bloody hate rats” the guy says and cuts his hand off with very poor cgi blood everywhere but don’t worry he’s still able to hold his cell phone with that hand and stumble around with the other. Also the box was a trick and nothing happens so he starts climbing a stair in this cave and passes out in front of a door with a “no entry” sign and something like a vacuum cleaner in front of it. BOO. Eventually that miserable ring tone starts up again and he gets up and wanders around and in flashback he licks a boob and then in real time again finds a door and opens it and there’s a woman in a room so he shoots her with some pistol he had the entire time and screams and it’s over. Hm. Quality. Also, there’s a lot of stock footage of rats running around in some sewer which he isn’t in because he’s in some sort of underground cave attraction with rooms. Note: I’ve never been in a sewage system in Britain so this might be completely normal behavior. Or behaviour.

Next up, after some babbling by Quigley are the fake trailers and ads which aren’t cute or clever or anything remarkable. One is about not catching VD, one is about some birds that steal a car, one is about (I think) “Reservoir Puppies” or was it “Pulp Faction” (?) where Michael Madsen is in three or four two second clips dancing next to two strippers while someone is singing. It literally looks like someone was digging through some trash one day and found some clips of Madsen that someone threw away because they were worthless crap and was all “Let’s make a picture!” and stuffed the footage down his pants and ran home shitting all over them and then still used them anyway then dubbed over any voice so they didn’t have to pay anyone. I think Madsen’s supposed to be a flamenco dancer and he’ll dance around and sing you to death. Pulp Faction. How hilarious. It will really really really really really really make you miss the Thanksgiving trailer from the Tarantino / Rodriquez Grindhouse and probably make you like Eli Roth who I hate.

Up next is the second movie which is called Stripper With a Shotgun and if you’re looking to see a nude woman with no pubic hair walk around you’re in luck. I couldn’t really make out what she was saying the entire time because the sound was so so terribly bad but i think there’s a nun who also strips to the nude and goes for a drive to an old west town (??) and then shoots someone for no reason i could find and then gets thrown in the old west town-y jail and says she’ll give the deputy guy a blowie because she likes doing that so much so she starts slurp slurp and he falls over and she escapes somehow and gets killed. Then comes the next nun who isn’t afraid to get nude to avenge her formerly alive sister person and i think they’re the same actress and she comes to the old west town to get revenge and she fights kung fu guys and most of it looks like this because nothing indicates a good movie like 480p:

But she gets bopped on the head and caught and she ends up nude in the jail except not in a cell like last time but hanging from some sort of rope with her hands above her head and her boobs and bottoms are all out and I actually forget how this happened next because this was so uninteresting and bad but next up everyone is in some kind of junkyard derby race around some race tracks and some cars blow up and then it’s over and the whole thing was a terrible terrible experience. Argh my brains.

A long time ago someone mentioned out here that every movie is someone’s favorite movie but I can’t possibly imagine that this could be one of them for anyone really. Since this seems to only exist for a cheap rip off on something better, I’ll try and plagiarize-y steal an idea from the poster above for Stripper With a Shotgun and make my own to display here for the purposes of this post only. Let’s see here.

I quickly realized that I was drawing that in the notebook I use at work and didn’t need for anyone to come across seeing me drawing that in the office or turning to that page during some meeting so I had to wind up fast and go ahead and rip that page out of there and start my day. My biggest concern other than someone seeing me flip to a page with a tied up woman with no pants on was that I tore a page out of my notebook and I hope I didn’t fuck up the binding. That will really burn my ass but maybe I’ve made my point which is no point at all merely that Grindhouse 2wo is a bad one and nothing good whatsoever has come out of it at all at any time.

FILED UNDER: A TRUE EXPOSITION OF THE SUPPURATING UNFRESHNESS OF HUMANITY (THANKS GHOULIE JOE)