*NOTE: there is a butt picture in this post*

*I would hate for some to be reading this at work and then have to share their screen with a group of people and see a butt*

Whenever i first started up Eric Undead nee Film Miasma I wrote about how I liked Prom Night and then how much I loved Prom Night 2 and then how much I didn’t like Prom Night 3 and I don’t remember for sure if I lamented because I hadn’t seen Prom Night 4 or couldn’t find it or something or maybe someone dropped a butterfinger in front of me and I thought it was a poop and I got paralyzed with fear or I don’t know what happened but I just now saw it or seen it like people where I live say things and aside from being kind of that similar cheap on-early- digital-90s type of shit that all look the same for sequels that tried way back then, I thought this was actually quite passable and positive in a way that didn’t suck. Aside from some of those early 90s dude hairdos which I could do without, a couple of bodies got torched, there was a hot chick I didn’t expect and I didn’t hate the lead girl who looked like she had to do her own stunts. I’ve never seen the Prom Night remake or sequel but and I thought Random Movie Movies had written about the remake thing but I was wrong, dead wrong someone whispered, but HEY I did find some thoughts on this movie I’m talking about today out there right HERE. I don’t think Michi was as impressed as I was but I think I was not really impressed so much as “that didn’t totally suck like i thought it would” and “it was better than Grindhouse 2wo” and “it’s better than going to work”. So I guess what I’m trying to say but never do a good job at these things is that this franchise wasn’t too bad – three out of the four were good and I really like the second. I remembering reading about the new one on upcoming horror movies dot com back in the day – a website that still sends me happy birthday emails – and the thoughts there was that it was pretty shitty and PG13 so I doubt I’ll get to it any time soon but hey number four didn’t bother me at all.

I mean some things bothered me a little. Like the rebellious maybe or maybe not girl who liked girls. The actress didn’t bother me but some of her dialogue was sus like when her and her boyfriend got caught making it in the car and they’re in trouble and the old nun is stammering about something and the girl who might like girls yells out “it’s called fucking mother superior!” to define just what they were up to. I think she might have also rolled her eyes and popped her gum but it was irritating. There’s also this bit when the two couple are in a limo and on their way to the prom for prom night which they are going to actually go to and one of our guys sticks his hairy ass out the limo window to let everyone know that he thinks of the prom. Now I’m all for equality in everything including mooning people but that ass wasn’t that great to look at and I felt like the camera lingered for way too long there. I don’t think it was there to get the viewer into the spirit so to speak and I doubt anyone reading this would be all ‘man how sexy, let’s go to the hot tub and hump like beavers” and I used beavers because this is Canadian and I couldn’t think of anything else. I thought of moose but hump like moose didn’t sound very good either. I also was bothered that sometimes the killer was in the cottage killing people and the second he was up in a tree. Was he some kind of bird or something? Wait for it. Here it comes wait. Is he an alouette?? ??

No he’s a priest! You see, that first Prom Night as we all know was set in the late 70s early 80s and had something vaguely to do with an old convent and a murder and a cover up and a serial killer – much like my senior prom night except closer to 1990. Sure we all covered up that accidental death from our junior high days and that weird guy everyone said was in a ski accident that did our floors and things – sure he turned up as the killer after fourteen of us wound up dead – but that was that and the first movie was in the early 80s – back when we were coming out of the Age of Pisces. The second one went back in time to I want to say the 50s and it was another prom and she was kind of a tramp and she burned to death and came back to us through a haunted dress. The third one was garbage and this one I guess is hanging around with and trying to get us to remember Number 2 I guess because this starts out back in the 50s again as we drop in on a prom night where (every dude) a guy is trying to squeeze his hands up this hot chick’s dress in the back of an old car when a deranged priest kills them both for being sinners and depravities of filth then sets the guy’s poor car on fire right there in the street. It’s a real shame because I liked that girl and would have asked her out if I was in high school back in the 50s and I liked the guy’s car but both of them burned in hell.

So this deranged priest guy – I don’t know – goes back to his cave-like place and some of his other priest peeps find him whipping himself on the back like I do when I watch my nun movies every year and he says something about sinning I think and stands up and kisses one on them on the mouth and the next thing you know it’s the present day and some kids are fucking in old LaSalle or something and it’s prom time and they’re going to go to someone’s parent’s cottage to get laid with each other but little do they know that that priest from maybe 40 years ago has escaped his coma and caretaker (?) and shaved off 40 years of his coma hair and is on the loose and wanting to murder sinners again. Especially ones who have something to do with sex like one guy’s little brother who is peeping on his brother doing it in a nearby tree. The peeper is in the tree and not the people doing it although that would have been an alpha move but then so is the priest guy he’s in the tree and the kid gets sent to hell too. I don’t think it’s the same hell from the third movie that Mary Lou escapes from and they do dance numbers about but nevertheless he’s out of the picture. And so it goes.

I think one of the most telling things about this entire production is a little recording I found in an old rarely updated site called secretrecordongs dot ca . It took me hours and hours of digging through old MP3s but it’s from one of the executive producers and I’d have to go look up his name and we all know i’m too lazy for that. Anyway, here’s the transcript:

So look I mean I was married back then right I mean we all were and I wasn’t some sort of saint or something but hey I didn’t go around banging the staff I mean come on I mean sure who didn’t go got a quick tickle under the balls if it was Thursday morning but it’s not like I was really cheating I mean my wife could come and go if she wanted look I was a businessman and I had to work eight to five maybe sometimes six or seven maybe eight and by the time I got home maybe she’d been out giving it up it’s human nature to want to give it up especially if your husband isn’t home nine ten eleven hours a day so maybe she was maybe she wasn’t. I mean look let’s have a round here shall we mine’s a CC straight that’s Canadian Club no ice that’s right no ice goddammit and make it a double no a triple so like I was saying look I was no angel but who was I mean hey that tasted good so one night around midnight maybe one or two I’m watching a rerun of The Forest Rangers god that was good a true original and I hear a noise coming from the chamber to my rear and it sounds like two muskrats going at it in an old woolen sack you know hooting and crying and scratching I mean just look hey I’ll have another of these another triple that’s right thanks Charlie. So I out my LaBatts down and grab a torch out of my end table and approach the chamber and I can definitely make out real Canadian noises a man and a woman getting busy you know getting it on like hunh hunh hunh hunh hunh ouch oh ouch yes yes ooooh bebe oooh and I find there’s a sliver of light between the door and the doorframe so I peer through the sliver of that’s a good CC and ice chief well done. So I’m looking through this sliver and this woman I can’t make out her face but she’s got a great body I mean look wamba wamba me mistress of boob apes and she’s spanking this guy on his bare ass and riding him like a donkey and he’s reciting some of the King James honest to god I swear face to the heavens reciting scripture and she’s riding him and whipping him like a mule and look j mean I was never a saint and I get a powerful Canadian erection. Naturally I was only in my bathrobe when I was drinking my LaBatts so the door started to push open millimeter by millimeter and the light from my torch started to shine into the chamber because my erection was opening the door get it and the guy sees me and my erection and I swear he got the devil in his eyes as sure as I’m sitting here he got the devil boys and he eyes turn all black and he starts bucking harder and harder and the woman I can see her face now and it’s my wife you see I mean look maybe I wasn’t enough for her but she starts whipping and crying and the guy is bucking like a caged moose and my erection is well you know I mean it’s about to open Niagara Falls and then she sees me too and starts taking the slapping to my large erection and the guy had horns coming out of his skull and pretty soon it’s was the devils orgy straight out of Sodom. She divorced me maybe seven eight nine months later but that’s where I got the idea for this feature film.

“I mean look you see it’s not like I was afraid of the Bible or anything like that or any preachers or sermons or anything. I knew this kid back in school what was his name it’ll come to me let me think just let me think for a goddamn minute it was Blane or was it Blain I think it was Blain anyway yes he was always telling us about how he was scared of the scriptures you know the locusts and the frogs and the Pharaohs and all of the smiting he said it gave him the waking nightmares and he could hardly even sleep at night, let’s get another round here can we? This one’s on me let’s set em up. So we’d have to go to chapel every day in the morning and the father would come out and tell us all about the wars and the crucifying and you could see him all nervous and jittery in the pew. Sure some of the kids laughed at him because he was just some squirt there in the pew who looked like he was about to cry or wet his pants but I was raised a good Canadian boy and I never laughed or made fun no sir honestly I felt bad for the kid and sometimes I’d scoot over next to him and tell him things were going to be ok and to not worry so much or he’d end up with a drinking problem and get cirrhosis of the liver and his wife and his family would leave him and then he’d be in some real deep shit. Mind you we were only eight at the time but I tried to scare him straight but I only think that worked a little while because by the time we got to high school you know eight nine ten years later he was always so pale and wore those dark priest robes after school like some sort of monk but he was always really skittish and shaken and i think, where’s that round we’re getting thirsty over here Jake, so where was i right this kid Blain he gets out of high school and we all go our separate ways just like most kids do you know and I go off to work in my dad’s burger joint, you remember that one off the freeway that only charged a loonie for a burger and some fries remember? You could feed a whole family of four there and still have some money left over for an ice cream those sure were the days.

“Anyway so I’m working there and then one day they hire this real babe curly haired and slim and she’s a new carhop and i’m all woowza wooowee in her blue outfit and talk about erections howchy bowchy and we hit it off almost immediately say does anyone have a smoke I haven’t smoked in fix six maybe seven years but I could sure use one now it’s ok I won’t get back on the wagon I could just use some tobacco thanks Barley you’re a good kid cough cough cough shit that’s strong is it Canadian? Anyway so me an her were really balling like i’ve never balled through my life and one day my old man knocks up this European I mean woomba woomba va va voomba someone call the firemen and they move to some French town Cassis I think it’s called cough cough cough cough goddamn how about a beer to wash this down ok so they shove off out of port one day and my squeeze and i are left to take care of his estate and his million bottles of wine and freezers full of hamburger and what ever else you can expect cough cough Jesus. So things are all gravy like they used to say cough but I can’t seem to knock up my lady cough no matter how many times a day or week we try or even what position have you ever tried the Upside Down B-splitter gosh that’s hard to pull off but we did it all right right there in the foyer and once in the walk in pantry because she heard those Thai spices you know out in the open would get her eggs really wanting my boys but it didn’t work either. Another round Joseph, please. So that’s where we were and I was no saint but I never put it to no other lady sure I looked at those Asian mags like we all did here and there but I ain’t never poked no one else and yeah cough cough we drifted apart a little and I had to look at them magazines more cuz she was all not now I’m going to do this or that maybe go shopping in the city and come home with some bags full of shit my daddy’s money paid for like hoses and nylons I guess and if by all cough cough what about my erection and she’d be all take a shower or something cough cough hey line em up Bradley the nights young cough cough cough Jesus and then one night I find her in the maid’s room bopping that guy on the ass and it’s sure as fuck Blain that cough cough kid from my youth and that’s how it all turned out I guess and isn’t that fucking something and here we are cheers you sorry bunch of cocksuckers cheers.”

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