This is by the guy that made Oddity which I totally loved kiss kiss smooch smooch grope grope linger linger hand on thigh. I mean I didn’t mean to touch your thigh for that long it was just kind of there and nature let gravity take its course and there it was the back of my hand just kind of there against you and I’m sorry I’m sure I could have moved it quicker but I had never been in that situation before so I didn’t know what would happen. I mean I didn’t think something was going to happen because it’s not like I ever got up in the morning and thought man something’s going to happen to me today, something maybe sexual in nature, maybe sincere flirting or some curious rubbing on me. I never figured anything like that would happen so I was never prepared for such things so when my hand rubbed your thigh and you didn’t pull away there was a sense of anxiety and excitement and maybe it was just my inexperience in being there but that was a really nice time for me, Oddity and I thank you for that experience. Sincerely. I didn’t quite get that from Hokum but I’m glad I rented it and we had a good time anyway with maybe some uneasy eye contact.
Adam Scott is in this one as a real dickhead who for some reason never takes off his irritating overcoat – and by that I don’t mean the coat itself is irritating – like it didn’t babble nonstop all goddamn day long or didn’t sass me or behave like an asshole or cough and gag a lot – I just thought it was irritating he wore it constantly and never took it off to like – not be wearing a coat inside. What I’m trying to say is *ahem – the coat didn’t give me any jive or anything. But Scott is an American asshole who goes to Ireland to spread his patent’s ashes by a tree. He starts polarizing the locals immediately – like all of them – but somehow they’re still polite when they probably should have slapped him around a little bit.
The next day out in the woods he meets some sort of goat milk laced with mushrooms or lsd drinking hippie who murdered his own wife I think but sees her in his hallucinations I think and he’s frankly kind of irritating but he’ll have a nice part later on. Later that night at the hotel bar or maybe it’s an “inn” I don’t want to get in trouble he talks to the very pretty bartender for a while and then abuses a different staff member with some sort of burning hot knife I think and then goes upstairs and hangs himself.
And then we begin the rest of the movie which is a haunted house movie I believe with some ghosts and witches tossed in. I felt like all of the lead up was kind of fluffy and not really that interesting unless you really like Adam Scott – who I do like – but after we find him there hanging by the neck, things get a lot better story wise. The really pretty bartender is dead somewhere, the inn is closing while winter sets in, the lsd mushroom hippie guy is still out there and I thought it was really good but it just didn’t do the same trick for me as Oddity. I think “O” had some better sly set ups and reveals and long game story points that was really fucking good writing and made me happy and this one just seemed to have too many conveniences which I guess is a big first world problem for me like when my grocery store was out of pre-sliced pineapple last weekend but i guess I don’t know – the movie was still real good just not as good because the previous one was SO GOOD. Also where was my sliced pineapple, you dicks? I had to eat pre-cut cantaloupe all week what a huge inconvenience. God! I’m sure!
Speaking of experiences last year my relative wanted me to give his daughter an experience instead of a gift for her birthday and I was like what the fuck do you mean an experience like taking her to a Volbeat concert instead of a stuffed giraffe and he was mad at me for not understanding his millennial bullshit and I still haven’t gotten over it but oh well
Will Adam Scott the American asshole leave the haunted house alive?? Will a murder be solved?? Will that crossbow introduced so early on come in handy later? How about that ticking golf playing gnome guy? Will Scott ever take off that coat? Is the witch real?? Is someone a ghost?? Will the director tackle the use of a tinkling bell as effectively as he did in his last movie? Will Eric Undead’s cousin ever get to see Volbeat??? All this and more coming to yo you soon in some fashion! Or not!
FILED UNDER: NOT TOO BAD AND A GOOD WAY TO SPEND A LAZY MORNING AND MAN THAT DUDE WITH THE GOOGLY EYES WAS CREEPY