I feel like this is one of those things I should have heard of way before now but I don’t remember anything about this or even seeing a videotape for it or a poster or a spread in a magazine or anything and I don’t know anything and no one tells me nothin’. I know I went and got a massage once in this town in the US called Eureka Springs. I had no idea what I was doing or anything and this lady said I could get nude and then she put lotion all over my back and the top of my butt and rubbed it in for a little bit and then it was over. Nothing exciting happened and nothing like in the movies and I only had enough cash for the massage so couldn’t leave a tip and that was awkward so i left and I’ve never had another although I’d probably try it again if the opportunity came up. Anyway – the lady who rubbed me didn’t take off her shirt or anything else for that matter and didn’t rub her priceless things on me or anything like that so I think all of these movies and tv shows are telling lies but in the movie for today, someone’s going around killing comely ladies who don’t mind taking off their tops for an extra five or ten bucks. I think a couple of them might even ball for a few extra. I know a cop was balling with one of them. Maybe that was his beat, I don’t know. Again, nobody tells me nothin, but I liked this movie with or without a few topless ladies.

Going around in a 1973 Chrysler Fury, a pair of policemen are doing their jobs when they get a call that there’s been a murder a nearby rub shop. It doesn’t help that the deceased is the girl the cop who looks familiar but hasn’t been in much else is banging on the side. “I’m gonna kill the sick fuck who nicked my squeeze!” He declares, lighting a cigarette inside an occupied facility. “I’ll kill em!” And he throws his mostly unsmoked cig on the ground which is probably carpeted. Now that I think about it, it was in the massage room so it probably wasn’t carpeted because no one would want to walk around on a squishy carpet layered with massage oils and people’s juices. “I’ll go interview her roommate” says the other cop who looks familiar like he was probably in some cop show when I was a kid or maybe a war movie or something but also hasn’t been in much. “I’ll go interview her roommate. I hope I don’t fall in love with her and go to a nude swimming party at some point.” he thinks.

I would like to point out that the first masseuse who got killed was very cute and I wonder what was going on during that film shoot. Was she thinking this was her big break into pictures? Did she just move to New York from Terre Haute in search of fame and fortune and her name in the lights on broadway or even 42nd Street? Or was she just looking to make a quick 100 bucks and was willing to go free up top for a few minutes. Maybe she was once a housemaid and stole a diamond bracelet and hocked it for dope and was now trying to go straight and was willing to do anything to repay that older couple that trusted her once? Some of these old movies don’t have pictures on the actors IMDb page and if I don’t catch the names, I’m hosed. But I liked her and hope she did well and maybe she was finally able to catch a steam liner back to her family’s home where one hundred American dollars was a fortune and could feed half the village. Maybe. I hope so! I found her:

Over at her at the dead masseuse lady’s apartment, her roommate opens the door for the second cop that looks familiar but hasn’t been in much else. “Can I help you?” she asks, poking only her face through the door frame. “I’m a cop and I’ve come to talk to you about your roommate who’s been slain.” he says. “Ok ok give me a second I’m nude” she replies and goes to put some clothes on like decent society. Inside, the second cop you think you know but probably don’t pours her a scotch from her own supply. “Did she hook herself out like a hooker when she got off work massaging people? You know, blow jobs and walks in the park with her hand down some guy’s pants? The old reach around? The tickle and yank? The midnight vacuum? The Old Wistful Thicket? The foot long hot dog? The meat and veg? Boiling cabbage? Here take a sip this will calm you down.” “Oh boo hoo!” She cries with as much grace as she can muster. “Boo hoo hoo hoo! No no no she never did any French tickling or any French style for that matter. Or any greasy plumber or motorboats or spine tinglers or Thor’s Hammers or hurry hurry jackrabbit run or stormy weather in the rear view mirror or that’s not my bellybutton or even who’s the frog now and never ever the ‘now who’s the guy with three and a half toes’! No she was clean outside of work!” “I see, kitten,” he consoles and they immediately fall in love which you might have missed, foreshadowed above because that’s good writing.

Elsewhere, another topless and curvy body rubber is killed. The killer’s M.O. is somehow paying for a girl without the guy who took the money remembering what he looked like somehow and then he puts on some latex gloves and commits murder. I think this next lady was strangled and then had sone acid poured on her chest with some cheap dry ice effects. Very classy. “God dammit! He killed another trick!” Screams the first cop you might remember from something but don’t. “God damn!” He lights another cigarette and throws it on the ground. “This is some serious bullshit!” At home that night he takes off his shoulder holster and puts it on his kitchen chair. His beautiful wife brings him a beer and pops the top off of it. “How many times have I told you not to put your gun on that kitchen chair??” She exasperatedly asks. He sighs like Job and then the phone rings. “Yes. Hello?” says his wife. “Oh he’s right here sitting next to his firearm, just a moment.” She hands him the phone recover which many people won’t understand. “Yes. Hello. What do you want? I just want a beer and to ball my wife.” Someone must be saying something on the other end of the line, someone else must be dead. He hangs up the phone and puts his sports jacket back on. “God damn!” He says, goddamning things and lights a smoke. “I have to go back to work!”

Without going into the entire story let’s just say that there’s: an exciting foot chase with George Dzunga who you will remember from Basic Instinct, a bizarre encounter with a star worshipping Theodore Gottlieb who you’ll never forget as the short neighbor cannibal devil worshipper incubus and succubus guy in The ‘Burbs and a strange, loud, very very nude public pool party with more butts and dongs and everything you can think of that ends in – yep – the second cop that you think you know but you don’t running after the killer down the streets of New York wearing only a small towel and going barefoot. He also semi-nudely commandeers a car and there’s a nifty car chase under bridges and through the docks that is surprisingly effective so this movie had a little something going for it other than the promise of naked – um – er – um – I mean – uh – bosoms rubbing on your back.

The more I write about this, the more i think I like it so let’s recount one more thing here before we retire for the day. As the two detectives who you think you’ll know but haven’t really been in much are absolutely stupefied and dumbfounded by the lack of anything to go on to figure out just who’s killing these comely ladies who will take of their tops for twenty dollars and rub their um er uh erm bosoms on your back, our gray haired detective who doesn’t run nude down the streets is sitting in church when he has a revelation. “God dammit!!’ he screams, sitting right there in the congregation. “He’s a god damn religious nut!!!!’ and he sprints out of church faster than Mercury himself.

On the other side of town i guess the blond haired detective who runs naked down the streets and is in love with the cute masseuse’s roommate goes to her apartment where they fell in love over scotch and tears and can’t find her there. “I don’t know where my sweet apple pie sweetheart is!’ he screams, radioing his detective partner. “God damn!” mutters his partner, lighting a cigarette. “Meet me at the massage parlor because i bet she’s there even though i thought we established earlier in this film that she’s not one of those perverted masseuse ladies who rub men down and take off their tops for twenty dollars American.”

Sadly, once they get there they find her murdered which is the grainy photo they used for the poster i used up top and then head out for a drink instead of trying to find the killer who literally must have just been there since her body seems to still be twitching. Luckily and somehow they get a call at the bar that there’s some sort of fight at the local massage parlor so they hustle over there and bust in and soon enough everything ends in a burny climax unlike the one you might get after visiting one of these joints in the first place.

I think this is another good one I found on tubi so let’s file this under:

OILY RUBDOWNS, SCOTCH AND TEARS AND NUDE POOL PARTIES WHERE I BET THAT CHLORINE WAS REALLY REALLY ACTIVATING