I would like to go on the record and say that absolutely nothing in that alluring poster above happens in this movie. Well, I guess there are a blonde and a brunette and there are some cars but neither of the girls dress like that or even have those types of hairdos and the cars don’t look like that and don’t go flying through the air like they’re powered by jet fuel and none of them that i remember have a giant tail fin (I think that’s what that’s called?) So is it completely and utterly false advertising to sell movie tickets to teenage boys and get them hot and fast and lean and mean and clean and horny?

Luckily here at Eric Undead we got ahold of a deleted scene which was the most interesting part of the whole thing, where the two heroins were sitting in a car and started talking about toothbrushing and summarized the plot of the movie and it went something like this (and that’s a photo not a video);

Leah: Have you ever you know used a toothbrush and toothpaste on you know your butt I mean in between your buttocks?

Cindy: Huh? Why what a queer question of course I haven’t, have you?

Leah: Well look I did before you know see I was over at Joanie’s house for her eighteenth birthday pillow fight and slumber party right you know that kind don’t you and we were trying on each other’s pajamas and French bikinis and then her mom called us downstairs and we all ate supper it was some sort of goulash her mom made and her dad was all stuffy about something I think he might have been goofed up on something because he kept staring at me and wiggling his eyebrows around and her mom was all Bruce stop it and slapped his hand a few times I think but anyway after supper we went back upstairs and put Todd Rundgren on the turntable god he’s dreamy and we danced and we danced and then Joanie stopped all of a sudden and I screamed a little because I got scared and she had this horrible look on her face and I was all you know OH MY GOD WHATS GOING ON HERE OH NO OH NO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO OH NO OH NO MY LIFE IS OVER I MEAN OUR LIVES ARE OVER OH MY GOD WHAT WILL OUR PARENTS SAY THEY’LL PROBABLY DISOWN US AND I’LL PROBABLY BE SENT TO REFORM SCHOOL OR SENT TO THE ARMY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I KNOW THEY’RE GOING TO SEND ME OVERSEAS AND I’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GO TO SAIGON OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AND ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS I HEAR THE MOSQUITOS ARE AS BIG AS BIRDS and she kind of half smiled a little and started to cry and said I pooted my new pajamas and I was all I poot all the time but she blushed and was like no the goulash I really pooted and I’m so embarrassed and I was all Jo this happens all the time at our house and my gramma says they used to have this problem back during the war and couldn’t waste paper because of rations you know and so they would just mix some of their baking powder with the spearmint leaves from under the birch tree and stick it on the long toothbrush and clean between their butts like that and everything would be clean and smell real good for days of course Joanie was all I don’t think so, so I pooted on purpose and it wasn’t as nasty as hers but I grabbed her brother’s toothbrush and ran some water and loaded it with fluoride and showed her how and we brushed and brushed and sang Todd Rundgren songs and danced and grooved and just brushed and brushed and finally went to bed gosh i don’t know about two o’clock or something so anyway i was thinking about how i kissed that fat dude and now my mouth tastes like poot and i want to brush my teeth but we don’t have anything to do that with but anyway I just can’t wait for you and I to finally start this stolen car back up and get going to Los Angeles where we can be actresses or models.

Cindy: I know! I hope the trunk of this stolen car isn’t filled with money robbed from an armored car! Wait. You used your toothbrush clean your dirty buttcr–

Leah: HAHA now let’s hope no one’s looking for this car we stole. I mean can you even believe in just one 24 hour period you realized your dad’s friend knocked you up so you stole your dad’s car and ten lousy bucks and we drove from whatever city we lived in that’s not Los Angeles into this town that’s not Los Angeles and our car broke down because something went wrong with the engine so we hitched a ride with Uncle Leo from Seinfeld and he was kind of a dirty pervert and we got out of the car and made these two dudes buy us dinner and then told them we had syphilis so they didn’t want to bang us ??

Cindy: I know! Do you know how many tries it took the author of this piece to spell the word syphilis right without looking it up? But let’s go back a sec – so you used your own toothbrush in your bu-

Leah: Yeah yeah and then we hung out with some drag racers and saw Uncle Leo again and made him order us dinner for being a pervert but the big bad guy of our movie sent a goon to punch him in the stomach and he crumpled like he was already 90 years old and they took us to his home to drug us with some sort of powder so he could bang us but we stole his car while he was washing his fat body and here we are?? Can you even believe it?? Just two girls from a town that’s not Los Angeles!

Cindy: But the toothbrush in the butt. This can’t be real righ

Leah: *sighs* Yeah. I mean have you never heard of rationing paper. Jesus Cindy grow up a little. God. You know my gramma used to always set the table for twelve even when they weren’t having guests over to entertain because my grandpa says an empty table made the house seem empty so the table was always ready to go and polished and dusted and then the war came and everyone got sent to France and Christ! Where were we? It’s just a little cleaning between the cheeks. Do you want to smell like poot all day?

Cindy: oh ok. That’s well. That’s a lot to take in for this movie. Well I sure hope we don’t get chased by the cops and the local gang tomorrow when the sun comes up and then we get in a wreck. I am knocked up by my father’s friend you know. I thought this was more of one of those how do you say it, ummm, cautionary tales, yeah that’s it, Cindy, a cautionary tale about staying in school and getting good grades and not getting knocked up by some loose businessman who was probably smoking grass and doing downers and instead I should be getting married and raising a family and not getting into cars with old men who want to stroke your thigh.

Leah: *sigh* Uncle Leo lol

Cindy: Wait what? L O what?

Leah: OMG can you even believe we used to wash our butts like that?

Cindy: What is going on here? We’re just two attractive females from a city that is not Los Angeles trying to make it to Los Angeles to be models or maybe on The Price Is Right. I’m knocked up and you’re the tough and sassy street wise brunette. What’s gotten into you?

Leah: Can you believe he really wrote this piece?

Cindy: What?

FILED UNDER: TOOTHBRUSHES AND DIRTY HIPPIES AND UNCLE LEO

And since Eric Undead is a public service:

And just to prove we’re equal opportunity here at Eric Undead, here is a male version: