I wish I liked this movie more. On the day I watched this I watched The Witch Who Cane From The Sea and then wanted something newer so I found this for free. The Witch Who Cane From The Sea is about a woman who kills men and has remembering moments of very improper father daughter things that I don’t want to talk about on my blog because we are chaste and pure and innocent and good here and not filthy demented perverts. Take for example this scene that does not involve father and offspring: A woman is walking on the beach, she hears the sounds of waves crashing and the calls of gulls. To her left is an eternal ocean and to her right are three muscle-y men doing calisthenics and weight lifting and swinging around on poles to show their incredible strengths and body building purity. They flex and they pose and they pose and they flex and they twirl and they oscillate and she focuses in on their tight Speedo style coverings with increasingly long shots of their dongs bulging around in that tight spandex. She stares and stares and her mouth wets and she drools and licks her lips and her bosoms activate and she stops a random woman walking by in the wet sand. She grabs the strangers arm and excitedly says:

“Ma’am ma’am misses ma’am oh ma’am oh ma’am do you see those three men those stallions those Roman gods those pictures of heaven do you see them ma’am do you see them they’re right there just right there I could just touch them oh ma’am oh my lord I can’t catch my breath oh ma’am am I fainting on the sand hold me oh hold me ma’am please ma’am I can’t reach them oh what I would do to reach my hand in there ma’am and my legs are weak ma’am hold me I’m falling and I’d take that enormous oh my god ma’am that huge oh I just can’t say if that giant oh ma’am I’m filthy that fleshy mess and maybe I’d tie him up with my scarf oh ma’am my legs ma’am my legs are weak and I feed them dope and hash and wine and if I’d I’d even take it into my mouth oh ma’am oh ma and then I’d ma’am I’d ma’am man oh I’d cut that fucking thing off with a straight razor and then cut the balls off and feed their fucking halls to their oh no oh ma’am” and she faints. Now – this may or may not have happened exactly as I portrayed it but it might be close and that all seems to be a condition caused by childhood trauma and not something I want to dwell on here at Eric Undead. Lord knows I have my own problems and they mainly deal with guilt my mom put on me for everything I did and the shame my dad countered with every mistake I made.

So I watched something more modern and it was called Blood Star. This feature is about a woman who drives through New Mexico and is consistently harassed and shot at by the local and only cop. He kills at least two random people along the way in his pursuit of hunting this woman and has what seems like 50 other people’s drivers licenses on his peg board as trophies. SPOILER: his motivation is that he doesn’t like women so I guess that’s why he’s not afraid to kill men too during his sportsmanship END SPOILER And by sportsmanship this includes: shooting your taillight out from 300 yards away and later having your car fixed and towed to you at the diner you’re hiding at, chasing you down the highway and then murdering the trucker who tried to help including leaving his body just lying there in the road like some random piece of shit and cutting her tongue out so she won’t say any more filth and corrupt men any longer then just leaving the tongue in the sink which I guess isn’t that bad of a place but I’d probably throw it away or something. Maybe his brother was going to make a stew or something I don’t know for sure. After they cut it out they went to watch something on tv so I’m not really sure what their plans were. I mean – I GUESS the plan was to untie her and wait for her to wake up so she would make a break for it so he could chase her down some more since that’s what happened.

Honestly all of that shit caused me not to like this movie as much as I thought I would because it was more eye-roll-y than anything but I did like most of the cast even though I don’t feel like anyone really says words in sentences like that but maybe I’m just sheltered and don’t get out much any more or ever. I thought the cop guy had a good look to him and the main lady had good screaming and running skills and I liked the gas station clerk guy and even the poor waitress who didn’t make it very long. I liked the landscapes but I wasn’t super impressed by the Mustang II she drives even though you don’t see those models much any more. Her cell phone also rang constantly which was really irritating which is why my ring tone is September by Earth, Wind & Fire (it really is). But hey I guess it is what it is and I just didn’t love it but of course we’ve all seen much worse.

FILED UNDER: WHO PUT THAT DISGUSTING TONGUE IN THE SINK AND SHE HAD A TAIL INSTEAD OF LEGS AND I THINK THIS IS THE SHORTEST POST I’VE WRITTEN IN YEARS