The other day I was watching The Hand That Rocks the Cradle for the first time in 30 years, admiring a young Rebecca DeMornay, when this fairly unattractive child appeared on the screen. Looking familiar, I looked her up to see if she had ever done anything else and, sure enough – she was the star of the show in this miserable thing. I know we’re nice and sweet out here now because we know people tried but WOOF on this one. I mean yay great good un huh yeah great it’s good and um you know yeah maybe sometime we could i mean yeah uh not my thing um yeah uh man it’s hot in here uh so Dimples huh right yeah uh um no not good sorry fellas I mean yeah uh huh looking good um gotta go my ride’s almost here and uh yeah this hamburger has onions on it when i asked for no onions so i’ll be right back sorry um yeah ding ding there goes the aeroplane i mean my ride hey that’s my bike I gotta go!

Like I’ve said before, I appreciate it when a movie gets made and distributed and I wish everyone well and good fortunes and keep up the good work and all of that, but I have my opinions one way or another and I am sure people don’t like what I do here, but if we get right down to it, this movie bored the shit out of me for an hour or so and I’m sorry, guys, but I didn’t find anything cute about these Dimples. And by using the generic term ‘guys’ i don’t think at all that it was only males who made this movie it’s just kind of a catch all here where i live so no offense. I guess I could say “sorry ladies this one didn’t work out for me” but that seems weird to my OCD so I don’t know what to do like usual so maybe i should just shut up.

This person who features prominently in this movie is called Madeline Zima and she plays the lead character who is called “Frances”. I don’t think she is related to the bottle of low alcohol spirits I pictured above but we try to be thorough here so you never know. She doesn’t do much in this thing but look exactly like that picture up top, I don’t think this will go down in history as her best role, but however that turns out for her Frances is girlfriend to one of the most irritating characters ever – a character named “Billy”. I guess, in the long run, that’s so far so good for a plot synopsis or even a log line if we really stretched it.

“Frances is the girlfriend of Billy”. That’s the pitch! Is it a sell? Maybe we should expand on it. Let’s see. Yes. Maybe we should expand that. but we have to keep it short and sweet.

“Frances is the girlfriend of Billy who does things like scare her with a pillow case over his head and beat up the local mentally challenged dude because the guy was eyeballing them through a window and fucking a hole in a cabinet in front of his paralyzed dad. Billy, with just installed nipple ring, and she are going on a vacation with three irritating people so he can devirginize her.”

Now we’re getting somewhere!

“But there’s more!!” yells the pitchman to the Executive of Creative Bullshit at – probably – some subsidiary of Disney. “Listen!

“The three irritating people include a black chick who just took up smoking, a slutty show-her-tits-on-the-web-for-money-ecstasy-taking-dance-around-constantly-for-the-camera named Brittany and hopefully this guy because he’s a real dream boat:

That’s a guy named Michael McMillian and I have nothing against this individual as a human being but I was subjected to his way of acting / talking / behavior / stupidness for an entire season of True Blood and, honestly, I can’t stand his work, sorry dude. He plays Henry – and aspiring filmmaker – who runs his mouth CONSTANTLY and films everything shaky-cam style and I was actually happy when his character was finished off.

Oh yeah – I got off topic which isn’t difficult for me. “So these five folks,” the pitch continues, “ are going to the cabin to do it with each other, hopefully French style and Frances is having visions and she throws up all over her fucking self so they stop at a dumpy gas station to hose her down like the baboon she is. While Billy sprays her down the dude inside fucks the cabinet so they all throw rocks at the place because kids today! No respect!. As they are set to leave, Cabinet Fucker Guy is outside the mobile home’s window so Billy beats the shit out of him and then they can finally take off knowing everything is ok. On the road, without the map Frances threw up on, she sees a little girl on the path so they veer out of the way and blow a tire. OH MY GOD ARE YOU GETTING ALL OF THIS??! As four of them cuss and yell because that’s what helps resolve situations, she chases the little girl into the forest and into a rundown house on the top of a hill. A note on that: from outside, this house looks like a derelict piece of shit, but the inside appears to be some sort of Malibu Canyon mansion. ARE YOU WITH ME?? CHRIST I MIGHT NUT!!”

Mr John Shit of Disney looks up from his BlackBerry and mutters “So, this kid is fucking a hole in a cabinet? Like a knot-hole or the hole where the screw that held the handle in place fell out? I just bought my wife a new cabinet. It’s made from the finest oak in Appalachia, those poor fucking bastards. Are you saying I should go home and put my penis in it? I should give it a good rogering?” he stands, starts thrusting his hips back and forth in the air above his desk. “Unh unh unh!” he grunts, one set of fingers twirling around in the curls on his head, the other scrolling through his emails on the Blackberry track wheel. “Unh unh unhappy!! Who’s playing second base now?? Hunh huh??”

“But. Dimples you see.” Stammers the guy who came to try and sell the movie, looking much like the poster I made at the top of this post. “I.” But by now Mr Shit has thrust his way out of the first perspective and into the background, still grinding nothing, still pumping and humping, strange sounds coming from the corners of the room like “this is a reckoning!” “copper!” “Patrick Nagel!” and “scissor this L A!”, his fleshy buttocks flexing in his olive Dockers. “Stick! Stick! Stick!”

And the poor guy says “are you farting or something??” and the other guy says “can’t you see I’m working here??” and the first guy says “are you working out a shit??” and the producer says “this movie sounds cute!” and they stare at each other and their sacral chakras connect and they chant in unison “let’s call this thing Dimples because dimples are cute!” and then they high five and do a low five and one on the side for good measure and that’s how this movie got made. Check the record.

How did this post for this movie go so long?

FILED UNDER; THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MY WIFE GOES OUT OF TOWN AND I HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS AND EAT A CAN OF MEAT FOR DINNER AND I DIDNT LIKE THIS ONE ONE BIT SORRY GUYS AND I DONT MEAN JUST THE MALES IN THE GROUP BUT EVERYONE INVOLVED EXCEPT ZIMA SHE SEEMS OK AND MAYBE EVERYONE JUST HAS TO MAKE A CHEAP AND SHITTY HORROR MOVIE ONCE IN THEIR LIVES AND MAYBE IT TURNS OUT TO BE GOOD BUT DIMPLES WASNT THE WINNING CHOICE

Either YouTube or WordPress has gotten so fucking picky about shit I never know if these links to videos will work but here’s the trailer for this if you’re interested which I probably wouldn’t be: