Please don’t ask me how long it took to make the image above. Thx, Management

I don’t understand this movie. I don’t – well wait of course I understand it because I’m not a baby but I don’t get why anyone thought that – well wait we’re more positive now in 2024 so hooray and rah but what is this shit? “I’ve got this script I bought” someone sez somewhere. “Oh yeah what’s it about?” someone else asks, dipping something in some sort of salsa they think is hot because he is probably one of those West Coast guys I used to know that think the taste of a bell pepper is too hot. “It’s about this guy, see. He’s trying to park his car, see, and someone hops in the back seat and demands the guy in the front seat drive him somewhere, see.” “So a car jacking movie like back in the 90s?” the one guy asks, wiping his forehead with a monogrammed handkerchief. “Shit! This is hot!” He ejaculates. “Have some shrimp!” “No thanks,” replies the guy with the script, “my asshole is already burny from this chai I drank this morning. Anyway, no not like that, see. Both guys have a secret.” “A secret??!” “Yes!! And we’ll just hint at things until the end, see! It’ll be a big hit!” “Sheeeeee-it! This sauce is really gonna boil my bucket!” “Your bucket? Is that a euphemism?” “Yeah, man. The stew pot, no veg.” “Ok that’s gross. How about my script?” “What’s the big secret in it? Yeesh ha!” “You want me to spoil it??” “Good point. Yah damn! I’m burning! Spoil it later in this post! Fire and blazes!”

“You got it.” says the one guy and adds “get thee behind me satan.” for some reason.

And that’s kind of how I felt this went. Cage gets into his early 90s acting up mode and even says things like “get behind me Satan” for some reason I couldn’t figure out. He also has a strange Eastern accent that seems to float between Christopher Walken in general and Matt Damon from The Departed and most of this thing takes place in a car, which didn’t thrill me. I know there’ve been other fine movies where things take place only in a car and I can only think of one that I’ve seen – something I didn’t care for called Penny Dreadful which was relatively miserable I mean not my favorite. I also think I read a blog somewhere sometime recently about Sean Penn doing a movie where he drives a car and talks a lot. Ugh that would make me want to harm myself. But I think Sean Penn is a real douchebag.

But yeah, jeez I can’t think of his name, Holder from The Killing is driving a car and hiding the fact that he smokes cigarettes. He pulls into a parking garage and talks to his wife on the phone. She’s having a baby and really needs him there because the first time she tried it didn’t work out. “I’ll be there baby you can count on me” he soothes and then Cage jumps into the backseat like some sort of leprechaun and tells him to “drive, man, drive like your life depends on it” or something and waves a gun around for good measure. With all of this shit going on and the title we will assume this story is about some dude’s come to Jesus revelation and Cage is the devil and is Holder gonna choose right or wrong or good or evil to save his unborn child or something preachy, right?

No! The joke’s on you! Or maybe just me because you’re a lot smarter than me. Here comes the spoiler but it’s not like this is some big mystery like what’s buried under that temple or whose hand is on your thigh but guess what? Cage is a hit man type of guy whose wife was killed by another hit man type of guy who happens to be keeping it low and docile and sleepy and whose own wife is currently trying to have a baby. Whip! Mmm mmm mmm zesty! Lick it! Plop plop here comes the doody! Sorry about that – I guess I got excited for a second.

But for real – most of this is Cage and Kinnaman sitting in a car talking or shots of a car driving down a road with voice over dialogue. There’s a couple of stops along the way which aren’t super believable and even then, if you can get over that – or maybe if I could get over that shit – there’s this part where Cage is grumbly and frowny in the car and he starts talking about how he always had some bad allergies and was afraid of Mister Mucous going up into his nose with a bag of boogers. Yeah. Even if I was buying into this thing up until then that would have done me in. That’s not to mention this bit where he’s mad at some “cock cop” who pulled them over to prove he has a bigger cock or something like that. “Look at the cock cop!” he says, I think. “What a cock! I suppose the cock cop is going to pull out his cock gun!” or something.

I guess in the end this feels like one of those movies he should have made ten years ago when he was distancing himself from the shitty films he had to make because he was in dutch with the IRS and not something he needs to shit out these days. I mean, he read the script, right? I saw he is credited as a producer on the thing.

FILED UNDER: I GUESS I’M JUST NOT REALLY A FAN OF PEOPLE SITTING AROUND IN CARS AND TALKING ABOUT HOW SOMEONE IS GOING UP HIS NOSE WITH A BAG OF BOOGERS OR GOING ON ABOUT COCK COP COCKS

(note to the bone doctor: cock cop’s cock’s cock cock o’clock)