Happy New Year! Whee! Here’s to only great movies with excellent lighting!! Good riddance to bad rubbish like me old grandma used to say. Good things and good times! Whoo!

Heres an excerpt from a conversation I had recently:

“I watched VHS 85 last weekend.”
“Was it any good?”
“No. No not at all.”
“Why did you watch it?”
“I don’t know really. I guess because I’ve seen all the others.”
“THE OTHERS?”
“Yeah. There’s been five or six of them.”
“Five or six?”
“Yeah. The last three have really really sucked too (laughter).”
“So did you expect this one to be any better?”

There we go right. Are we Completists? Is the OCD just that bad? Is there some random and pitiful slice of hope there might be something good that just miraculously shows up here? Do I just know something will change? Can I feel it?? Well, not this time. Even with some established directors, this one was a big oops I farted for me, like when you don’t expect it and nature has other plans. Serious plans. Destructive even.

WOMP WOMP WOOOOOOOMMMPPPP sheesh.

I’m reminded of something a few people may or may not remember from my old blog. I used to run this contest out there and after a time or two I got some friends involved and we made some theme songs for it and one was called “Dirty Finger” and we were absolutely terrible but it was great and another time a friend of mine actually did a song for it and it was incredible and then I tried to write one called “Is that spot on your pants from your penis?” and I could never get a rhythm or rhyming to it so it never worked out and that just reminds me of the last bunch of movies from the VHS series – they’re just not working out for me.

But yes.. the early days of WordPress,,,

OMG look what I found. Jesus Christ. Listen at your own risk.

In this movie we’re forced to remember the early days of VHS tapes when we had to get up and fiddle with knobs to try and get recordings over recordings to even out. Squizzle squizzle squizzle scratch scratch. So if your dad recorded maybe an episode of church on tv and then you were super excited to record an episode of Doctor Who so you could enjoy something and you fucked up the tape you could try desperately to clear it up before the inevitable spankings with the board. It was no fun and here we have it again and I feel they used that gimmick constantly on this one and I was irritated to death. Cry.

The wrap around story, it seems, is about something someone found somewhere that is some sort of life form maybe trying to mimic what it sees on tv I think. In the end they all get killed to death so there’s that.

There’s also something about some people who get murdered that fall into a lake and come back to life. I think. Which seemed decent but I guess I missed how that story or arc or vignette or whatever might have been finished up?

We do also see who killed those sorry bastards in another taping thing but then all of them get killed also to death by the police except for one lady who drank some water from the lake. Was the revenge to squirt some lake water in her mouth and drive away? Huh? That doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Theres also something about what’s underground a city in Mexico after an earthquake

And then there’s one by Scott Derrickson – popular director of things like Doctor Strange and Hellraiser: Inferno. I feel like I generally like his shit although I didn’t get into The Black Phone like a bunch of people did but hey you know ok. His segment in this reminded me in a horrible way of this miserable thing I watched once called 1972 Yellow House which I hated with all of my guts so I didn’t enjoy this really either for one second. And the reveal that the tapes the kid sends out are bad thoughts from his dreams or visions made it worse.

I don’t really know what else to say here honestly. About 20 years or so ago I was at work and coughed and accidentally farted and the girl in the cubicle next to me started violently complaining about the smell and calling it “wretched” over and over up and down the cubicle aisle and I tried to blame it on a broken sump pump in our work kitchenette. Whether I was clever enough to pull that off or not – I don’t know but that’s kind of how I feel about the last three VHS movies. Did they come out of a backed up water pump? I don’t really know and no one tells me nothin so I guess that’s all there is.

But – I feel like I should put 1972 Yellow House on my page of movies I’ve talked about so let’s mention it here for a bit.

In very poor found footage style, I think someone finds a 50 year old reel of film, buried in the dirt of some house someone may or may not be remodeling. Somehow it still has images on it even though every single fucking frame is distorted or mangled by sunlight, dirt or maybe even someone’s own waste because it was buried down in the dirt when it got cold one winter and the pipes burst. Not only is every single frame distorted or mangled to smithereens by whoever made this shit – the sound is so fucking poor and garbled and scratchy and wah wahmpp y bleeeeerp whirrr that coupled with the terrible visuals I never knew for one second what was going on. From what I can remember, I think someone went outside once and someone might have taken a bath. I think. It was a really miserable experience. The following is a real picture I found (and not one I made up) that represents the majority of that stupid thing:

THESE TWO MOVIES FILED UNDER: I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT EITHER ONE OF THESE THINGS BUT SINCE I’M NICE OK THEY’RE NOT MY TASTE THANKS AND I WISH THEY’D GO AWAY EVEN THOUGH I FULLY REALIZE THAT IT WAS MY CHOICE TO WATCH THE STUPID THINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE

P.S. Thinking about that song reminds me that we did another one called “Fat Guy in a Butch Lytle Shirt”. God damn I’ll have to scare that one up too if just so Chris and I can listen to it whenever we want hahahaha.