FINALLY a movie about lumbago. I guess maybe there’s been some before but none are coming to mind. In this one, the girl from the remake of the Sabrina Teenage Witch gets old and develops crippling sciatica so she goes back in time to keep herself from working that job where she stands on her feet 16 hours a day and to not wear her wallet in her back pocket when she gets a sit down, white collar career. “Use a front pocket bi-fold and save yourself trouble down the line!” She educates herself, sharing some of that 80s dirt weed. “And don’t take – cough cough – a bunch of advil it’ll – cough cough – fuck up your kidneys.” Adding, “ What is this shit? Did your dog shit in this bag?” Finishing with, “Man I need some taco flavored doritos!”

Wait! That’s not right.

Taking a chapter from the Red Scare and other government financed propaganda like “DONT GET THE CLAP FROM DOING IT WITH THE FRENCH!!” or “Wrap that Willie or You’ll Go Silly!”, this movie brings the concept of Allegory back as a modern day teen is supposedly lured back in time to teach her the concepts of going outside and getting fresh air, using a chlorinated hot tub along with other people, realizing that not everything that comes out of someone’s mouth is meant to be offensive and concentrating on DARE To Keep Kids Off Drugs. As it goes, if you break these rules, someone gnarly and bogus will come getcha and you’ll probably end up, like, deader than fuck.

Right? No.

Consider: a room filled with rich, fat men, soggy and over fed, sleeping in luxurious leather chairs with mouths agape and walrus moustaches afloat, dreaming of their diamonds and gold claims. Around them, on sofas and duvets, their wives bray about today’s fashions, their emerald brooches reflecting the light from the chandelier as their gloved hands pick fattened shrimp from a crystal bowl. “To hell with revolutions! Plus, I feel I must relieve myself,” titters one of them, swallowing her ninth liquid unit of champagne. “Would you three mind holding my train as I parade through the vestibule?” Having disappeared, her scent and presence lingers (like my writing). A man dreaming of a castle and even a lass within, suddenly chokes! His mustache flutters in the stale air of the hotel lobby! He coughs again, his lungs unable to dislodge the fous residue of pince nez snuff running down the back of his throat. He is drunk and comatic – his body consumed by seizures! The employees of the hotel have been instructed not to bother the party at any cost! Even the windows are draped in rich tapestries blocking the sunlight! His lungs dislodge something! He gasps! His eyes bulge! But it is too late. His heart has failed. Corpulence: totally the silent killer.

No.

Somewhere, a white balloon rises onto the red Parisian sunset. Below, a young man weeps, cursing his god in French. His betrothed has left him, her womb barren. She is going to seek rebirth in the convent and we’re totally killing it with existentialism here at Film Miasma.

Yeah, but th-

Uuuuhhhmmmm. A cute girl looking to be a teenager (maybe?) has to deal with her mom’s death so she hops in her school friend’s Photo Booth Time Machine to go back in time and stop the killer in a Kiefer Sutherland Lost Boys mask before he can even get started. Along the way she stops in a high school where she doesn’t even get frisked, runs into some teens who just want to party hearty and aren’t politically correct and may or may not change the course of her own history because she went back in time and meddled with her own fucking past.

It is pretty common that I like the Blimhoyse oh my fucking god I’m so frustrated with thumping on this phone I’m not going to correct anything anymote so these blimhouse movies are usually good except for the ones they fix gif Amazon that year at least imo. Also I didn’t like the one with the roll. But Ftesky was good and I like the paranormal activity movies even if no one else really does and what else? Happy Desth Day – those were good. I guess maybe I don’t Enron them as much when they take themselves too seriously but this was fun. And as anal , good clean fun with no real blood or butts or skin but just some dope smikin. I gfess someone did get disintegrated but hey! Blumhousez!

So we have a bunch of good looking people dressed in 80s cloxes saying 80s things. No being generally horun like your coidons at Christina’s. Will anyone learn their lessons ? Will anyone get klaid? Will anyone wear. As shirt that reads federal booby invesitagor? Will anyone smoke dope? Will anyone totally kill it at the talent show when they’re doing a skit to Staying Alive and dancing and gyrating andd dad and all of that shit? Will I get a D for my typing and grammar skills today since it’s obvious my teacher hate me and not because of my rtyping dkills? Do kids today what are they Gen A do they still pass handwritten notes in class? Do they even know how to write anything?

Maybe all of the above!

FILED UNDER: HEY I THOUGHT THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD AND BETTER THAN A LOT OF THE SHIT I WATCH MM HMM FOR SURE TOTALLY AND I HAVE AN IDEA MAYBE DO YOU THINK THAT I SHOULD END WORK MEETINGS WITH “I’M GLAD THIS DIDNT END IN ARSON AND BLOODSHED” ?