I want to thank Random Movie Musings who is a really good friend of this site for putting together some thoughts on this film when we first started doing these nun things. I knew it existed but had never seen it until now, so now we can all be on the same page together. We can achieve synergy. Synergy.

Here’s what happened to me after I was finished:

My ancestors on my mom’s side are Czech (no lie) so when they came here from the old world to the new one they passed down stories of Gypsies, the royal family and of course the evil nun who lived in a castle or monastery or convent or something who found a hole in the ground and it led straight to hell and demons would come out of it and do sodomizing and stealing of farm animals and crops until one day some nuns got together and sealed that hole and then kept praying on or around it for hundreds of years, holding the demons back to ensure they never came up from hell again and took our shit.

For some reason that sentence was agonizing to type and correct on my phone so I’m going to do it again right here without corrections so a future generations can see what tortures my ancestors brought over with them,

My ancestors o my kin sa cause are Czech (no lie) si when they came here from the old will to thee red nerf one th we uh passed down stories of Gypsies the total family and of courses the evil nun who lived in a castle of monastery or convention something who gojndc a holdd wed in the ground and it led straight g yo hell an SSD drmonss was would dad come out ic it and do sidomuzing and stealing is Fran animals and crops in try i I l one day done nubs hot together and deal that whole weed and keep Ted praying on or around it did hundreds of years holding the demons back to ensure they never came up from hell again and took our skid.

If nothing else if anyone reads this they know that even though it may not seem like it I do try out here to make things decent enough.

So my Czech ancestors have nothing to do with this and I really only ever met one who could speak Czech still and one time I tried to learn some and forgot it pretty quickly because I’m old and things like that just don’t stick around very long these days. Now that I’m not on my phone and re-reading what I did the other day on my lunch hour, I wonder if all that above sounds Czech and maybe I’m just slipping in my realities. I doubt it but we can never be too sure.

I also want to add that I’m really not too familiar with the Conjuring movies or the Conjuring-verse aside from I know it all exists. I really liked the first one but don’t really remember the second – is that the one where I think Vera Farmiga kind of astral projects herself into the past and the witch of that movie is all “how are you doing this”? I thought that was a cool touch and it reminds me of these drams i have often where I’m trying to talk to someone and I tell them they’re not going to believe me but I’m from a different time and place and they shouldn’t do (something). Anyway – so I think I saw those and one with the doll – the older one the Creation one and that’s about it so forgive me if I get things wrong which is really my M.O. anyway and ding ding ding here we go.

Some nuns in Romania in a castle or old monastery (I think) which is now a convent, pray every day and forever over a sealed up hole in the ground that supposedly leads to hell. One day or night one of them goes apeshit and throws herself over a balcony and hangs herself. The next day the local farm and berry picking boy comes along in his wagon and finds her hanging there dead and somehow words gets back to the Vatican (I think) and they send this disgraced former priest exorcist guy to pick up this young nun and go investigate. The young nun is played by Vera Farmiga’s sister (right?) and she’s young and naive and hasn’t taken her vows yet and laughs at things like luggage on the wrong wagon and has sweet dreams at night that maybe one day she’ll grow up and be able to spit the actual blood of christ on a demon nun.

I’ll just leave that last bit of foreshadowing there and move on. This is a big budget horror movie probably from the deep pockets of some company like Sony or Paramount – wait let’s go see – ahhh New Line so that’s Warner Brothers so big money big money. It’s loud and noisy and shit on location I mean shot and they have tons of extras and horses and wagons and props and creaky castles and a hole in the ground and more than one camera per shot and maybe that’s a good thing – maybe that’s what gets the kids in seats – isn’t that the main goal? To sell tickets and scare your girlfriend or other based on your preference and you can put your arm around them and maybe steal a hand hold or a kiss and then make out in the back seat of your daddy’s car later. hopefully with him NOT in it. Maybe so and maybe that’s great but this thing also made me appreciate the things with much less budget and hopefully more heart and fun. Things like Agnes and Bloody Bloody Bible Camp or Grabbers or Bad Turn Worse or something along those lines but – hey i guess this was OK.

Did I cover the plot already? I forget. Nun kills self, haggard priest and new nun go investigate, loud noises and dark shadowy people ensue, nun spits blood of Christ on demon nun and saves the day. Whoop! Sounds like when I used to live in the house on 45th street. The one with the flesh suit in the closet and the guy that spontaneously combusted. And the girl that I think vampire sucked on my neck when I was sleeping.

So what else is there really to say? The coolest thing I thought there was in the whole movie was that radio and I don’t know was if it was just a prop or not. I also noticed that when the priest, the nun and the fruit boy went into the deadly old abandoned convent there were 3000 candles lit so what poor bastard fired up all of those? Hmmm well enough’s enough I suppose.

FILED UNDER: ALWAYS CARRY SOME BLOOD OF CHRIST AROUND BECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

And now TOOT TOOT DA DA TOOT DA DA TOOT TOOT TOOT DA DA TOOOOOOOOT – the most updated version of our nun murder board (TOOT!):