I remember when I was a kid growing up in Maryland and we would all hear stories from our ancestors how to “not stay out past dusk” or “don’t steal your neighbors hens” or “never put your finger in someone else’s butt and then wave it in the air” because the Goatman would come and get us and if the Goatman got you he’d cut your lips off and you’d never be able to kiss your parents or your grandparents or your puppies again. So we all acted like good kids and steered clear of that monster except for poor old Ralph Chicken Pot Pie Jackson who actually got caught with his finger up Harold TC’s butthole and when we yelled at him he went running off with his hands in the air and he never came back to school and no one ever saw him again. That’s most of my experience with the Goatman except I don’t want to really give out where I live and changed the geography to Maryland. I know there’s some sort of beware of Goatman legend out there anyway and I know I wrote about the Goatman of Bowie here but the Goatman here where i live was more of a sophisticated murdering serial killer, or at least that’s what the people around here thought when they put together The Goatman Cometh documentary just a few years after I was born. Looking at it now in 2025 I realize it was probably just an early (although gruesome) analog form of a cautionary tale for us – “don’t do this shit or you’ll die son” type of thing but it still scared most of us shitless and kept us on the straight and narrow. But here we are now and we cover everything here at Eric Undead so let’s see what we’ve got.

The film starts off as most of these do, a man’s voice recorded on some sort of warped vinyl, the voiceover talking about the sins of the children and the punishments of the Goatman. There are cigarette burns on the film and the set interiors are covered in florals and macrame. A mother and her daughter do homework at the kitchen table. The father reads an automobile magazine in his recliner, smoking a cigar, chewing tobacco and spitting into a spittoon. A sound comes fading in. Something is excited! A group of kids are chasing another through the streets! The dad looks up from his newly lit pipe. “What in blazes?” he thinks. The screen door slides open! The mother screams! The son crawls in! The scent is oppressive!

The father, cool as always and fully trained in restraint and order, slowly slides the back doors shut, hoists his pants above his hips and startlingly begins to hop up and down and scream like a devil:

OH MY GOOD GODDAMN YOU LITTLE BASTARD LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE NOW CHRIST WE’RE ALL FUCKED LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE OH LORD IN THE SKIES HAVE MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH OH MY GOD DAMN HE’S A COMING OH YOU BET HE’S A COMING AND HE’S GONNA GET YOU YOU SORRY LITTLE SACK OF SHIT DIDNT WE RAISE YOU RIGHT OH MY GOD

(He starts to march around the living room, raising his hands and knees in the air like some sort band leader)

HERE HE COMES OH SALLY I KNEW THERE WAS A HOLE IN THAT RUBBER MY GOD CAN YOU FEEL IT CAN YOU SMELL IT THE AIR IS THICKENING OH NO OH NO MOMMY UNPACK THE SALTS AND WAXES WE HAVE TO ACT NOW OH MERCIFUL HOST!

And then the editing fades to a sun bleached black and after a few seconds the Roman Numeral II appears on a card.

A female youth skates! It is getting dark and is trying to elude her certain fate!

Elsewhere, another female youth skates! Is she trying to avoid a certain terrible yet foreseen conclusion??

Why are they going to converge? Why are there two of them in the first place? why aren’t these “70s sun bleached video” like they are supposed to be? Why aren’t the goat bleating noises coming across like instructed? Will anyone notice the second roller skater’s skates are “covered in blood”? Why isn’t this a neighborhood? Did the amazing author of this piece have to use two images because they cost so much of his monthly bucket? Is he going to be able to write something about them that makes sense and helps this prize winning piece of writing?? Can he work his way out if this hole he’s dug himself in to? Why has the font changed on his draft? Why are the images resized from when he last put them in here? Is he going to let on about what got his brain thinking about this in the first place???

Both girls skate out of fear! They have both been outside of their elements after the sun set. Despite being on opposite ends of the city the Goatman bleats and his cries are terrible! His devil spawn answer his call!

Is it just poor filmmaking that suddenly the lighting has changed or are the filmmakers rendering that no one is safe no matter where they are? The Goatman cries! The Goatman screams! The Goatman’s hooves scratch and thump on the ground! Thunder booms! In a split screen trick of editing our youths stop skating and their faces are frozen in a terrifying state of panic. A title card flips into view:

In Part 3 or Chapter 3 however we want to call it, a child approaches an outdoor trash can. Not the ones we wheel to the street in the states here nowadays but those old metal jobs that always stunk and had to be washed out all of the time. You could also be an excited preteen youth and use the lid as a shield like you were Captain America if you really felt like it. But that’s not what happens here. The boy approaches the trash can, we can see mischief in his eyes. We drift into flashback – it’s not as grainy as we could have imagined but our budget is low so we see the father issue a dire warning – the warning should end with “or you’ll die son” and nothing should be dubbed but nothing went right with this video for some reason I mean the people who made this movie back in the late 70s:

“Don’t touch that carburetor or you’ll die son” is the prophecy / warning / dire truth. Why is there audio over it? Why did things turn out this way? What have I done wrong i mean those old filmmakers. What’s really going on here? Reality has been perverted again and who is to pay. Maybe it is I who sinned The Goatman and this is my penance.

As the author’s life seems to dive into chaos over the making and rendering of this post I mean whoever made this film we wonder what this has to do with the Goatman? Does the child touch the carburetor? Does the Goatman cometh? Will the author be accused of style over substance? Why doesn’t the sound work on this new fucking laptop?

There are so many unanswered questions in this simple post at Eric Undead. Roller skates! Stinking fingers! Carburetors! The author has used his brains and used the ctrl and mouse dial to make his font bigger. He is pleased although it is still some sort of font he dislikes.

In the end, the film we are talking about seems to be one of those anomalistic forms of art that remain unanswered to this day, adding to its mystique, much like the technical aspects of this post have changed since I started it I mean whoever wrote this and whoever is going to eventually be held accountable for this apologizes to any unfortunate viewers / readers. We can only hope that maybe we all get some answers someday.

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