As we interlude once more from our “witches who want to cut off your head and eat it in a pie” series, I wonder how many of the readers of this place have ever

eaten bacon?
slept in a tent?
had a beer?
pooped outside?
encountered a real, live goatman?
been at the zoo and standing in front of a giraffe while it gets a filthy erection from looking at you?

I thought about putting together one of those super complicated algorithms which assign points to “Y” and “N” answers there and then stick you into some secret database stored on a server farm out in the basement of a Slovakian motel but I figured I could already just know who would say “Y” to these and figured I’m not inventing a new FB to make my billions, so why bother.

More importantly, according to our pals at Wiki: According to urban legend, the Goatman is an ax-wielding half-animal, half-man creature that was once a scientist who worked in the Beltsville Agricultural Research Center. The tale holds that he was experimenting on goats until one experiment backfired, and he was mutated, becoming goat-like himself.

According to this realistic and lifelike image pulled from the Beltsville Agricultural Research Center’s Hall of Wheats and Proof, he’s also either horny or pissed off that someone may be getting ready to engage in a little of the devil’s business, with or without him (FM note: even the average person can tell this is NO hoax because the guy is wearing a Maryland letter jacket. Duh!):

This is one of those movies that I find difficult to talk about. Well – not difficult to talk about because I can have a couple of drinks and run my fucking mouth to no end – but – here’s the thing, this movie is just over an hour long and the first 45 minutes (give or take) is handheld video footage that’s as nauseating as the first time you let the goatman mount you and get after it like a Frenchman at an eclair exhibit. Some of those minutes are also a guy sitting alone by himself in a tent drinking beer – which may or may not be what you’re looking for in a movie about Man v. Goatman. But then, some time around the 46 minute (or so) mark, they switch to a static camera and things get pretty awesome and I don’t mean just because the camera changes. This is when everything picks up and we get the big payoff and the last, I don’t know, 3 minutes are fucking excellent. So…. now we have to ask ourselves – does the end justify the means? I’m not trying to relate to that old Slipknot song that everyone thought was some sort of ballad that had the refrain “My end, it justifies my means”, because that song was NOT a sweet thing about making kissies but – is a thing like this worth sitting through for some cool shit at the end?

Oh, look! Here’s one of those pastry fucking French bastards I mentioned earlier (oui oui! merci! oo la la! ‘Ere is moi semen in tus sweets! [sic]):

Probably not. If you really wanted to waste five bucks, you could probably buy me a beer and I could probably bird-dog up some old footage of me and CENSORED BLEEP BLORP watching a shit movie or trying to answer movie trivia questions while drunk and stoned sober. That might not be more entertaining than some guy in a tent but the camera would be be steady. Back to this – the end of this thing is really cool. Jimmy does a thing or two and then another couple of things and then gets visited by this guy:

Let me see if I can lighten that up for you using this graphic design software i rarely use:

Ah fuck! There’s a cool card at the end that promised a sequel but it doesn’t look like that ever happened. You know what else never happened? Someone liking this movie I just finished called The Haunting of Grady Farm. OOF. I guess we can just write this up to “at least they tried” and use this post as a Cautionary Tale to avoid giraffes and the horny French. And not just those guys with horns – cutaneous or not – but the ones who want to put their greasy dongs into everything – leavened or not. Yep, I did it. Greasy French dongs. Our friend Jay once mentioned a movie called Cum Farts 6 so really… which is worse?

Filed under: AT LEAST THEY TRIED