Well, another year and another one of these things. I do have to say I’m proud of them for keeping it up and getting backers for these. That must be hard work. Or someone’s got a movie of someone taking it in all the wrong places by someone’s mom or something but hey good work putting these out – it’s nicely prolific. *butt slaps

Now, and of course it’s just my opinion which I’m sure I’ve set a low bar with, especially with the way I express things here, but some of these segments really suck I mean just aren’t for me and somehow I like almost everything in some way. I remember I liked the first one of these compilations and two years ago I went and found it and it’s still sitting there waiting for me to watch it again so maybe that will be my new years resolution of 2027 or something but man to me these things just keep being shitty.

Linearly this thing starts off with a grainy VHS filter and a cigarette smoking asshole is having some testers try some tasty cola. Or was it “soda”? It was irritating because no one I’ve ever known has called things like that soda or cola and I think one time when I was in New Jersey I didn’t want to generalize and call things “Coke” so I called it a “soft drink” and got made fun of like I was some sort of stupid farm boy with my thumb up my asshole. So this guy gives this other guy a cola and something spurts out of the top like Spider-Man’s web thingies and he starts convulsing and screaming and I think he blows up (I think) and the guy says something like “I thought I told you to reduce the power of the cola in that batch!” and lights a smoke and probably fiddles with his balls while watching people work.

We then scritchy scritchy scratch videotape style into the next segment – the haunted house one. A couple of teenage (older) girls want some candy goddammit they want some candy so they go stealing Halloween candy all around the neighborhood. “I want more candy!” They squeak and go to this one house that’s the last one left. They ring the bell and no one answers the door of course so they shit on the porch and start to leave. But before they get too far someone opens the front door and a man’s arm dangles out from the darkness holding a basket of something and he baby talks the words “coochie coochie coo” and disappears.

Naturally and truly like anyone would, wanting some candy they go into the dark creepy murder house and get locked in and the door disappears. Along the way the encounter a giant diapered man, a six teet milking machine, blood and gore and of course, a woman with six teets. I actually thought this was creepy and was going to change my mind about all of these VHS experiences but then it kind of takes a shit on itself at the end like an old limp weenie and we move on back in to the wrap around story.

“Are you ready for some cola??” Asks the guy fondling his balls. “Yes” sez the sucker sitting in the examination room. “Ok bring out the cola” he commands and I think this person’s skin melts off and they come in and flamethrower her for good measure.

In the next one which I thought was the best out of the last four of these movies I’ve covered out here, the guy that did (rec) (the movie) takes us into another old building POV camera style and tries to scare the pants off of us. This time some teens bust their way into an old mansion to party and maybe screw and we’re told an old occultist used to live there. They also go back and forth between before people were murdered and their eyes pulled out and now so it’s kind of neat but the most important thing is an old telephone in the middle of the room that might stump today’s youth as to what that really is.

You see, we used to use those instruments to call people up and talk to them for hours and ask them how they were doing and if they wanted to get together and neck and fondle and emit things all over each other but the limitation was that all of these simple machines were connected with a series of wires. This telephone in this room in Spain is connected to nothing so when it rings and you hear the voice on the other end you go into a seizure and everyone gets their eyes plucked out. While this isn’t the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life I really liked when everyone went flying around and wonder if the seemingly target audience for these movies know what a telephone is.

Elsewhere, someone else is murdered by a can of cola.

Next up – jeez – this one is about the – uh – haunted Halloween basket portal? A group of older people are again dying for candy “I want more candeeeeeee!” and they come to this one house with off brand candy on the porch. “Oh look this is a big chocolate dick!” he says chomping on the big chocolate boner shaped candy. “Oh yum” he squeaks as the white creamy goo inside drips down his chin and his shirt. “I want another one!” he says and a hand reaches up and they all get pulled in to some other dimension? This one has a guy with a suit and a cookie for a head and the one guy gets stripped out of his clothes somehow and tied to a conveyor belt that somehow chops him into small pieces like his wang and his fingers and his ears then coats them in chocolate and wraps them. “Look it’s his dick!” screams his terrified girlfriend and eats it. “I just want to be closer to him!” Nothing says eternal love like being trapped in another dimension while your friends are getting butchered and eating your dead boyfriends chocolate doo-dah to show much you care.

I hated this segment so much I’m trying to remember what else happened. I think one of the girls got a tube from somewhere stuck up her butt and she got filled with cream, one of the other guys crawled into a furnace and the last one survived or something but the cookie head guy ate her I think. I just want to be closer to you he says eating her dick. I fucking hated it.

Back in the workshop, more people get killed by cola.

I feel like I should shorten up my post since this is going long but we are talking about six things sooooo *deep breath

The next one is by far the goriest and screamiest of all of these things as a guy is kidnapping or coercing teenagers into making videos and then cutting their faces off to make eye masks like Robin in Batman and Robin and its squishy and gnarly and then people get killed by more cola but one little girl survives and her eyes go white and she turns into a ghost voice and then this guy and his family make a haunted house in the back yard but he steals a magic vinyl record that opens a gate to hell and everyone dies gruesome splashy deaths and then my favorite part in probably any of these movies is when the witch goes flying down the street on her broomstick and we basically get ‘broomstick cam’ as she flies around ripping people’s heads off and their guts out and then it’s over evil cackles hahahaheeheeheehee

*inhales

FILED UNDER: VERY GORY AND SCREAMY AND KIDS AND TEENAGERS GETTING SQUISHED AND WEINERS AND SIX TEAT MILKERS AND DOO DAHS

Also:

And because I can’t get that one to delete: