As we round out the year here at eric undead we figured what better way to celebrate – other than running naked down the street like my third grandma used to say I should do – but instead to watch something I once watched over a decade ago and see if I still liked it or if I would recognize anyone from anything more recent. The choice was between this and Nina Forever and I literally flipped a coin and picked this thing. Ten years was a long time ago when you think about it and all of the days that go into that and all of the things you’ve done or the things that happened like when you lost that job you thought you’d work until you died or when you turned 50 or when you went to Seattle and also San Diego or when you went to the Alan Parsons Project concert which was FUCKING AMAZING or when your poor beautiful good boy died or when you read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and also Demon Copperfield or when Georgette finally got home or that one time all the times you were just sitting there minding your own business and you got yelled at for doing nothing wrong which is the story of your life but you’re still here and soon it’s a new year. Whoo! So let’s take a look at Alyce Kills and see if things have changed much.

Nope, not really.

FILED UND-

Just kidding of course. Let’s see here. Alyce works a job in an office doing spreadsheets and her boss is a real bitch. That sounds super familiar except I’m a guy. One night her and her friend go out to get loaded and do the drug ecstasy and eat cupcakes. I don’t know if people still do ecstasy or not so that might be kind of dated much like the one liners people utter here and there that seem like things people used to say but now just say something better. “Man she’s so cold. SO COLD.” Says a man referring to Alyce who rebuked his advances. “There goes yesterday’s news” snips a lady referring to Alyce’s friend whose boyfriend is apparently cheating on her with some blond slut who says things like “there goes yesterday’s news”. “Want to see my slow roasting throbber” texts someone to someone else using an iPhone 2. Later, Alyce kills her friend by accidentally pushing her off a roof while they’re all hopped up on E and cake. OOOOOOPS!

So Alyce goes back to the drug dealer to score more dope and spends the next lengthy period of movie time getting fucked up and getting boned and even a dirty toilet bj but I have to pause here and say that whoever this actor was that played the drug dealer guy in this unknown horror movie from the early 10s really did a good job here. I’ll have to go look him up. I did see that whoever played Alyce never really did much else so let’s see about this guy. Typety typety typety click click. Well. Look’s like he was in a lot of shit but sadly died not too long after this. Who knew! Not that he dies but that he was sort of relevant there a little bit.

That’s him in the middle there. You know, the more I think about this the more I kind of like it even though you have to deal with some iffy dialogue like the guy whose last name is Curtain and he calls his dong the Curtain Rod. Or this dodgy scene where Alyce is clearly losing her shit and she molests the body of her dead friend in the coffin. Or when she tries to pop that pimple on Curtain’s back.

This actually gets pretty gnarly later on with some gruesome practical effects when she’s cutting up that body. And by gnarly I don’t mean gnarled like the knots on that old tree branch you cut when you were a kid and varnished and carried around like you were Gandalf from The Hobbit book and maybe said thou shall not pass to your grandma once and you got in trouble but anyway you just found that hypothetical piece of wood under the bed when a new bed was delivered here at HQ and someone you love was all get rid of that thing why do you keep things like that and you picked it up like you did 45 years ago and said thou shall not pass and you were flooded with old memories you haven’t thought about in so long and just put it back underneath the new bed in case you might have to hit someone with it since you broke the old baseball bat that was under there once when you and Chris got drunk and he threw a pumpkin at you and you hit it with the bat and it was no match for your great and mighty strength and aside from busting the pumpkin a little all you really did was hurt both of your shoulders and break the bat. I mean gnarly like gross like we used to say back in the 80s and I really honestly don’t remember why. I don’t want to be too gross but I’m talking about this extensive bit around this scene:

And then it ends just like I remembered which was kind of satisfying in a way that some things just satisfy me. Like when I use my stick of deodorant up on a Sunday and start a new one on Monday. *shrugs

FILED UNDER: WHAT CAN i SAY IT WASN’T TOO BAD ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE THAT ITCH TO REMEMBER WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE IN THE 10S AND I WORK WITH A LADY WHO WAS BORN IN 2001 SO SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN 10 WHEN THIS CAME OUT NOT THAT THAT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE TO ANYTHING BUT GOD I’M OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER GRANDPA SHEEZ

On closing – HAPPY NEW YEAR from me and my buddy Steve Loggins who did a selfie just for YOU: