It’s that time of year again! Yay! Gathering around and hanging out in the snow and toasting our nuts and warming cockles and opening presents and candy canes and cookies and ornaments and making dinner out of someone and sledding and tinsel and fun hats and snowmans and a warm fireplace and mittens and that shadowy figure in your closet and gingerbread and jeroboams of schnapps and Christmas carols and the joy and fun! Just now I opened the left side drawer of my desk and stuffed between a cigar box full of my ephemera and my old college text book Great Political Thinkers I found and envelope full of old pictures from when I was a kid and some Iraq paper money I bought off eBay a long ass time ago and a fairly clean looking woodcut I kind of remember my grandma giving me one year – or maybe I don’t and maybe it just turned up tucked in an old comic book or something that some stranger off the street gave me and told me to never reveal its horrible past. On the back it’s got some smudged cursive penmanship of folks who use to write like that because it was formal but all I can make out are the numbers “75”:

I don’t know exactly what those stand for – a year maybe – or even who carved it but I appreciate it and her efforts to pass something along to me. And whatever is going on it seems festive and reminds me of something I can’t quite place. Like something I’ve done but I’ve forgotten unless I really think hard about it.

And I’m not saying I’m thinking about looking into the Akashic Records or anything like that but something seems familiar there.

But I suppose we should move on! Have you ever seen one of those sappy movies they put out around Christmas time? I’m talking the busy cynic girl goes back to small home town and finds love in the arms of her childhood boyfriend thing? I really can’t say that I have but I’m familiar with them and the jokes about them that come with that genre but I really don’t think I’ve ever sat around through one. Well I believe this is the horror parody of one of those sweet and honeyish things with a small town girl in the big city now going home to her christmassy place where she grew up and maybe she’ll fall in love with her hunky cameraman or her old high school boyfriend if she’s lucky and then throw in some Satan who killed her parents because she misspelled Santa back when she was pissed off and acting like a spoiled little kid and writing a letter. “Dear Santa will you make my parents go away I mean kill and dismember my fucking parents who won’t get me a bike they can go fuck themselves and eat shit and burn their leftover pieces and I’ll drink their ashes mixed with my own blood I might even crap them out and make pancakes and when I get older I’ll sit on a stoop or fireplace mantle and watch of the town’s delicious children saying their prayers by the warmth of the fire I will likely roast them in before carving their meat from their bones xoxoxo Holly” or something like that that six year olds write as far as I know. I remember when my brother was six but not what he wrote letters about,

Anyhoooooo. So lady grew up and moved to the big city and now she’s back in a city called Ornaments for some big news story and writes another letter to Satan saying he can just go have Christmas cuz it’s stupid and even the hunky guys who come into the scene and harps start playing end up dead so she ends up getting the Christmas spirit up her butt and had to figure out how to save the day.

Now this is a – I can’t believe I’m typing this abbreviated word – a SYFY movie so it’s very very tame and when I thought it was fun at the beginning the joke got really old really fast with the harps and the bright shininess and the ‘I’m so crabby boo look at me I’d just like to ball someone greasy or not and bang and you can all eat shit’ over and over and the Satan in here I think is sometimes a guy and sometimes this ugly female demon thing with flappy boobs out and there’s two probably gen z kids who work at the coffee store – a guy and a girl – and they both have curly mustaches and someone I think is named Ginger Bread and and while I generally like it when people get horny in horror movies it’s really lame here and blah blah blah blah this was sucky to sit through and finish up but since we do fair and quality journalism here no matter how bad my writing is there is a fun part where this one lady gets strangled and her eyes bug out of her head but that’s really about all i can think of. I suppose it’s nice that it was HD and the actress sister lady was fun but in all honesty I hated this thing and I don’t even think horny people rubbing on each other for a good fifteen or thirty minutes or so would have helped. I mean I’ve never seen an r rated movie or anything but something could have given this some spice or something .

I think that’s all I’ve got to say about this shitty one

FILED INDER: REINDEER DOO DOO

Next up! I’ll present our 2024 Christmas wrapping paper next because everyone deserves a nicely wrapped present! I hear these also make good wallpaper for that bathroom you’re remodeling!

Oh shit! I almost forgot! I had an old blog that I ran for a while and I used to have some friends that were musicians and every now and then we’d make a song for something or other and you can imagine how good they may or may not be. Did I put one out here once? I think I intended to when our keyboardist passed over – I’ll have to look – but I wrote us a Christmas carol for this year’s fun and I just have the lyrics so here they are and try to imagine them like a woman playing a guitar, kind of folksy maybe, something sweet, like At Seventeen by Janis Ian:

🎵 I still remember when, we were young and innocents 🎶

🎶 We sat beside a Yule log in the hopes to warm our feet 🎶

🎵 Our socks all had holes, long before taxes and rent 🎶

🎵 It was a time before we had a furnace or central heat 🎶

Strum strum strum

🎶 We laughed and we joked and we watched the fires dance 🎵

🎵 I remember how nice that night was to meet you 🎵

🎶 But something came over you and you unzipped your pants 🎶

🎵 So I used that Yule log to cook you and eat you 🎵

Mmmmm hmmmmm mmmm hmmm hmmm

Strum strum strum

Mmmmm hmmmmm mmmm hmmm hmmm

La La La La La strum strum

Ho ho ho!

I promise, lastly, I don’t know if this file will work but here’s an old song we did that is probably one of the prouder things we ever made (F-bombs inside so beware):