By my tally I started this place about three years ago this month and I’ve enjoyed doing Christmas shit out here. I still haven’t saved enough money to actually manufacture and sell Film Miasma Christmas Cheer merch but I’m sure one day my ship will come in, right? One thing that I have cracked myself up with is making our Film Miasma Xmas Wrapping paper these last holidays because I make myself laugh thinking about my Shames. I know no one ever goes and looks at the old stuff and I’m not very good at promoting myself out here but if you wanted to wrap up some presents in the classiest shit you can find online, here’s the link to the 2021 version (even though the colors are jacked up and I can’t find the original cry) and here’s the link to last year’s. And after this paragraph I’ll be mortified proud to present our 2023 product. I looked earlier and you can really print your own wrapping paper these days so how fun would this be? Just think of the joy you’d bring! Woo hoo you go Santa Claus! Ring that dingaling! Ding Dong Ding Dong! Right. So. Here’s our third annual batch for your perusal and keep me posted on how you intend to use it / them:

So now on to todays Christmastime feature. Mother Krampus is a fairly terrible movie that – from what I can tell – doesn’t have anything to do with Krampus – and focused on the spirit of an old lady who killed some kids a long time ago. It was twelve kids I think the opening monologue said (but I could be wrong the readers voice was SO overly ridiculous) so maybe it had some obscure reference to the twelve days of Christmas? I don’t know. But some time some old lady killed some kids. End opening filled with flourishes, rolling Rs and deep, throaty, dramatic emphases. It felt so fucking out of place and just weird. “On 12 DECEMBER eighteen twenty twoooooooooooo!” A WOman, such as hated from yon village!! TOOOOK leave with a babe!! To which was found DISMEMBERED!!! In the woooooods!!” I was really thinking I was in for some shit with this one.

I just can’t go into all of the specifics in this thing or we’d be here until midnight but here’s some highlights: in modern times some people hung a lady for killing kids, she puts a curse on them, then in even moderner times someone is stealing kids, someone is smoking cigarettes, mother Krampus (I guess??) can just materialize where she wants somehow like in a tent in a school room or outside a cabin or in your bathroom or out by your car or behind your Christmas tree, some kid gets stuffed in a sack which fucking cracked me up, Mother Krampus likes to cut things out of people’s backs and eat them and some of the time when her mouth opens she she sounds like my stomach growling back when I used to drink way too much scotch and eat tacos or sometimes it’s just a whisper. I guess it depends. Maybe in that terrible poster that has nothing to do with anything related to this movie ,that guy in the Santa sack is supposed to be the kid? So bad.

Honestly, there’s really a lot that doesn’t work here but, since we’re fair, we’ll try and do some positives in a minute but I have to address that voice. It’s been a long long time since I messed with audio files but if I had to relate to something it would be that time I thought I had some graphic design skills. So (on my old blog) I made this stencil and made it look like a splatter of blood and then I desaturated the color and exposure over and over again and then the blood looked like a sun and I thought I was really fucking clever and a genius and I used that as my site picture for a long time. Eventually I got bored with it and changed it to something else and someone remarked that they liked the new one better because the old one looked like a ‘period stain’ and that’s about how I feel about the audio they manipulated for most of the the times she opened her mouth. Not devastated and hurt but that sound really sucked it.

So everything went pretty poorly for this one but we are fair people here at Film Miasma so let’s encourage the good. There’s something minutely mentioned about having or using Christmas lights because those scare the witch off which seemed like a pretty cool idea really but then you have to remember that an hour before that she used Christmas lights to stitch up someone’s stomach like some kind of ducking pie or something and then also notice that she uses strings of lights to strangle people so there goes that fucking theory. They also use that editing technique where someone is telling a story and they cut to one second of footage to show a flashback – I really like when people use that. Towards the end, whatshername the witch is kind of shown in some lighting and she has a cool looking cloak or whatever. I think that might be about it though.

I don’t think this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen but it’s up there. Or down there. I did want to mention that I liked the lead actress lady – she seemed to give a shit, I think. Except maybe when they had her throw an obviously empty present at Mother Krampus for some reason.

The last time I watched something along these lines was something miserable called The Legend of Halloween Jack and I filed it away under something clever I made up called E.A.T.S.H.I.T. which stood for Englishmen Attempting To Single Handedly Irritate Thoroughly . I haven’t really looked to see if these people are all actually English but I have a good feeling they were so we’ll go with that and try and have a nice day.

FILED UNDER: EATSHIT AND CHRIST ALREADY AND UGH AND MAN THAT KID IN THE BURLAP SACK WAS HILARIOUS AND WHY DID THEY MAKE HER GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF PUTTING THOSE BACK COOKIES IN A PAN AND THEN IN THE OVEN IF SHE DIDN’T BOTHER TO EVEN COOK THEM WHAT THE FUCK AND WHY WAS THERE A TENT IN THAT SCHOOL ROOM AND WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE MISDIRECTION ON THE KILLER HUH HUH? FUCK OH AND UP YOURS WITH THAT POSTER FOR REAL MOTHER KRAMPUS INDEED SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE WEARING FILM MIASMA CHRISTMAS CHEER PANTYHOSE