Technically I originally only put this in my watchin’ queue because I thought it was about an exorcism and I could put it in my “the devil and his buddies” category I have out here or is it called “exorcisms and shit” I don’t remember because I use it so rarely but I thought hey why not an exorcism movie about some possessed nightgown or something and was truly a terrible and poor movie that i disliked and made no sense and it had a possessed nun in it (I guess you’d call her that) so why not throw it on the nun board for good measure, RIGHT?? Right right of course we made the right decision. We’re thoughtful and prudent and make good decisions and we’re also chaste and good looking here at Eric Undead even though we can’t type on our mobile device. I’m not complaining at all about maybe a small or micro budget or some cheap effects or the small cast but I feel like this was executed pretty poorly and I really don’t even get what they were trying to achieve here and I feel like I like cheap movies that most people wouldn’t care too much about. I think even if we forgave floating clothes or axes floating on string or wire and just some dumb shit in general the entire thing is kind of brought down by this one actress who had the personality or screen presence of oh I don’t know maybe this cast off plant my coworker brought me to bring back to life and it’s kind of growing but I can’t really tell but I keep watering it. This younger lady mutters her lines with no inflection even when she’s allegedly in great pain. I’m not trying to be critical of someone’s looks but she also has these half closed eyes like she’s almost asleep in every shot and really makes me think of how disconnected I am from younger twenty year olds now that I’m almost 300 years old – because I don’t understand how she got the bill as that role because it’s super super clear no one dumped a million bucks into this thing and said “but only if you cast my daughter” so I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not the target audience but let’s see what I experienced here.

This starts off with some reverend or someone in a reverend costume shouting about saints and demons and evils and then his daughter – sporting a nightgown mind you – wants to open a cabinet and he says something like “you can’t the body of Christ is in there” and she pouts off in her nightgown and then comes back later and opens the cabinet and it glows all yellow and the priest comes back and screams “you’ve unleashed hell!!” or something like that and he ties her up with some chains to some sort of old concrete garden – in her nightgown – and in some unknown time later he feeds her some slop out of a bucket and she performs the most feeble death scene I’ve ever seen. Imagine if you and I met in say a bookstore and you pretended to shoot me with your fingers like a gun and I calmly said something like “oohh” and knelt down and then sat down and then laid down and then positioned my head comfortably and shut my eyes a little and said another “oooh” and then I was dead – if you can imagine that you’re on the right track. OR! And I know females don’t pass gas but imagine you’re a dude and you work in an office in a room with three other people and you have three boiled eggs for breakfast and all day you have to stifle a fart because every time you get up you’re still surrounded by other people and when you go have a pee nothing really happens so to speak and when you finally get out of the building and by yourself and you’re going to free yourself of your problem and it’s going to shake the ground like thunder and when it finally happens it’s just kind of a fft and it’s so weak and sorry that nothing seems right in the world and you’re disappointed in how everything ended up like this and how could this really be happening. It’s kind of like that when the lady acts like she dies – kind of a fft.

Next up a drone shows us the outside of what is some sort of churchy looking building that I bet good money was not asked to be used in this movie – presumably this is some sort of religion inspired reformatory or nun establishing school for wayward girls. In it: we see a female lying in bed. She’s been punished for something so her two friends decide to sneak her the hell out of there to go inspect the reformatory’s abusive priest’s cabin and uncover the mystery of the girl who died there. “It’s was an exorcism gone bad” someone illicits hardly moving her eyes or lips. So they get into their best hiking clothes, a leisure suit, a school girl outfit and some jean shorts so small the butt hangs out and they walk up a hill and come to the cabin and pick the lock to get in with a switchblade and they start to dance for some stupid reason and then one goes off to get some firewood and one unzips her shirt for some Polaroids and the one getting the firewood sits in a tree swing and suddenly there’s another person standing in front of her wearing a nightgown. “I’m dead will you help me?” The nightgown wearer asks and the firewood gatherer runs off scared shitless.

Soon, like nothing ever happened at all, the three are looking through a desk drawer and find some old pictures that apparently have nothing to do with anything and then there’s a flashback about how the reverend guy chained his daughter to the bed and did an exorcism on her even though they speculate she was probably just going through puberty. This literally consists of a moderately aged female rolling around on a bed in a short short nightgown while her father reads the Bible and her mother looks on —> dressed like a nun. Considering the quantity of time devoted to this rolling around in short short clothing it’s no surprise one of the voiceover people mentioned that rumor had it her own priest dad got her pregnant and killed her for it but they don’t show anything stupid like that, if you choose to accept this mission.

Nothing at all exceptional happens at any point during this movie but one thing that made no sense and I hated was during a lengthy dream sequence when the three moderately aged females go out into the dark woods and the creek in some sort of white ballet leotards or something and dance around throwing tulip petals and holding their hand over their heads and one of them goes behind a tree and comes back wearing a moth mask for real. And then slowly so slowly chases them as they walk away so slowly and she waves her arms up and down like wings. I’m sure this is derived from one of the ancient texts lost in the destruction of Alexandria but we here at Eric Undead who don’t possess the arcane knowledge of the ancients just felt this was terribly dumb.

What else? They find the dead girl ghost person in the attic and someone goes up to talk to her and steals her nightgown so they all try it on. Or maybe only two of them did. I think the ghost in the attic also wanted something to eat or maybe a glass of milk. I think if I was a dead ghost living in an attic with just one thing of clothes I’d be all “bring me some fucking cigarettes. I don’t care what kind. I quit when I was alive and now I’m dead so hurry up.” “And a fucking scotch.”But nothing exciting happens with any of that but later the nightgown floats around outside and it’s clearly attached to some sort of wire or string. To be fair I think the concept was that the ghost dead girl was chasing whoever but we could only see the nightgown in some shots and the dead ghost girl wearing the nightgown in others ande they were probably trying to symbolize the unstable nature of vision in regards to reality in relation to the membrane that separates the eye from the processors in the brain or something poignant.

What else? Naturally there’s the demented and perverted hillbilly gardner groundskeeper window peeper guy and oh yeah! There’s a gateway to hell in the bottom of a cabinet n the priest guy’s cabin. Yep. Right there. And in it is the nun now painted up like a demon or something to help make it into this yearly segment we do here about nun movies. And not to just up and spoil things but the reverend priest cabin owner guy saves the day by pulling himself from the fireplace he’d just burned himself to death in (face first for originality) and securing the doorway to hell forever and saving the fucking day.

Or did he because then there’s a dreamlike dance scene where the girl with the half closed eyes does some sort of ballet dance out in the woods and then a second dream-wake-up-from where it was all just a dream and she’s back in the building at the very beginning in that bed we saw so long ago and now they’re trying to keep here there but then there’s a further ending where half closed eyes girl wakes up out in the woods and there’s a toddler version of dead nightgown ghost girl playing by sone rocks who says some things i don’t really remember by now and half closed eyes girl runs off and dead nightgown ghost girl toddler walks off into the hills because she’s maybe the devil or something that maybe snuck out of the portal to hell we saw several minutes before all of this.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with jack shit. I didn’t really like anything about this one. Well let’s think. Nope. Uhhhh Nope. Ummmm Nope. Nothing comes to mind. I wish this was one of those tiny budget things I loved but I didn’t. In fact I would break up with it if we were going out. I mean I might not have started going with this one to begin with but this would be an “I don’t think this is working out this time and I know you’ll be happier without me” type of situation. “Just think of all the people you can meet and things you can go do without me holding you back!”

FILED UNDER: PORTAL TO HELL, MOTH PERSON AND SOMEONE’S COLLECTION OF AUDIO TAPES

And that should conclude our wonderful month of nun things for the year! They tell me they’re proud of you and will forgive you of your transgressions and failings if you allow some small but passionate and enduring floggings. But no one will ever free you of your Shame, you are to live the rest of your physical life with that. And not necessarily Onan’s Shame which I haven’t brought up in a long time but your Shames you bring upon yourself every day. You know what they are.

In finality: