Well shit. A couple of years ago on this place I talked about a movie I didn’t like called Die Die Delta Pi that came out back in 2013 that felt like something I should have loved but thought it was real crap despite cheerleaders and slashers and people wearing no clothes. But this is not that movie, is it – it isn’t. This is a different movie about bottomless cheerleaders and a slasher and it seems very cheap and features numerous scenes of twerking and it was pretty sucky too although I did like the main girl in this – the one who just wants to be a cheerleader but that’s about it because this one was no good. The reason I bring that thing up about the previous movie is because I looked who made this thing and it was the same guy and somehow it’s a sequel to Die Die Delta Pi and I wonder how many people got that except for me and who’s the sucker now? Spoiler: it’s me.

In this one, some women are cheerleaders for a high school I think and they do their dances to montages of twerking and the splits and that’s kind of the first 1/3rd of the movie. Then they all go shower and talk about the big sleepover they’re going to have and how exciting it will be and everyone leaves except for one of them who goes to take another shower and doesn’t make it out of there alive for some reason. Luckily there’s this girl that everyone hates who I think has sone charm who really really wants to be a cheerleader and will host the sleepover if they want to even though they hate her.

Elsewhere, some of the cast do some in the car rap dancing and then one of them is killed after they drop her off and one of them sends a boob selfie to her horny boyfriend and they do some more on the field dance cheering and the cheer coach takes a shower and is killed and then they all agree to go the one lady’s house for a sleepover and maybe some dancing thank god let’s get this party going.

Oh yeah, there’s also the token overweight kid who peeps on everyone and probably whips the hog all over the bleachers and his kitchen whispering “who’s your mommy” and he gets killed. They also go to lunch somewhere and order food and someone gets strangled after a long walk to her car. Thankfully now the party is about to really get started and we’re gonna kick this thing into fifth fucking gear.

At the house, all of the remaining alive cast strip into nudes and bathe themselves in virgin boy blood before performing a ritual to call forth the forlorn spirits of the recently damned. They all perch on their knees around a blood pentagram and chant the arcane words as the Lost come forth to exact revenge on those who transgressed them during their flesh days. It was awkward seeing everyone get flayed alive and their limbs ripped from their torsos since I didn’t think this thing had that kind of budget but Jesus it was gruesome and had me flinching and even gagging a little. The money shot of the movie is the souls of the damned dressing themselves in the skins of their victims and heading out of the house into the streets. What’s going to happen next? We don’t know for sure but that sure was a disgusting orgy of violence and pain.

Oh wait that wasn’t what happened. Oh yeah! After the squad shows up at the house of the girl everyone hates they start drinking screwdrivers and playing games like never have I ever and marry fuck kill and even some twenty questions until one of them, drunk and melancholy, looks forlornly out of a window and blurts “look a pussycat!” and they race outside and then, in something I don’t think I’ve seen before, seven girls in skimpy cheerleader outfits start climbing a tree which probably would have gotten an X rating if this was mainstream but anyway they get a couple of stories up and just as we all already knew the kitten was bait and they all start getting dispatched pretty easily by the stupid killer in the clear mask up to and including: beheadings, hangings, suffocates, a weird scene with a branch saw and OMG yes a defenestration where one of the ladies had tried to escape by climbing through the fenestrate only to be promptly ejected from it. That was by far the coolest pa- wait. None of that happened either let’s get our heads on straight one sec.

This how it really goes: after stealing the Rembrandt – Ok no for real: the cheerleading squad arrived at the girl everyone hates’ house and one of them drinks some vodka. Then they play never have I ever and the they literally all twerk to some rap music for several minutes. Most of them end up on the pointy end of one of those retractable stage knives until one is kept alive for the big monologue reveal. Back at the soccer field our main gurl who I like and think is cute tells how her mom was killed in that Delta Pi house that I mentioned at the top however many years ago and now she’s going to kill every cheerleader forever. Two girls fight and roll around on the grass and one of them gets stabbed by that knife I mentioned and the other runs off. End.

I did look at the credits aside from the director and the actress I thought was nice hasn’t been in anything else so hopefully this is her big break but I doubt it because this pretty much sucked. Somehow the director of this has made dozens of movies so I’m wondering where he gets the time and money to do this shit because I sit in an office all day trying to make money so maybe I could do something else like write a movie or even make one but I never have time for fucking shit except for more work and trying to sleep and bowel movements. How do I do this?

FILED UNDER: I THINK MY NEXT ERIC UNDEAD PRESENTS THING I DO IF I DO ONE AGAIN MIGHT HAVE TO BE ABOUT THE CHEERLEADERS AND THE STOLEN REMBRANDT