CONTENT WARNING FOR ADULT IMAGERY

When I was watching this I have to say I was really hating it. It’s clearly super cheap and poorly acted and the voice sound is very very poor and I feel like some of the actresses may have worked in their morning off from the strip club and then it was over and I was thinking about it for some reason and while I never want to watch it again as long as I live I kind of remember it almost I don’t know like I liked it or something even though it was completely stupid and bad but hey all right all right now come on I guess it’s not so bad considering. I mean hey hey now it’s ok we’ll all get along and ok ok all right I know I know. I’ll try and cover the things my memory will fire back up but I want to stress that this movie isn’t very good but for some reason it doesn’t bother me. It also had a “music by” credit for a band called White Liger which really did bother me a lot but I suppose that’s none of my business and hopefully they made it real big and are living out their lives on cocaine. The credits also start off with a link to their MySpace page so I didn’t like that either but let’s see what else happened in here.

A young and thin female wakes from sleep and gets out of bed wearing only bottom underwear. She spends some time modeling her um uh um uh hum urm young bosoms before pulling a robe out of a closet and putting it on. On the back of the robe are the words BIKINI BLOODBATH and that’s your opening credit. Downstairs, she puts a full lips kiss on the face on the poster of the lead singer for White Liger which seems preposterous because I know I never did anything at all like that ever with a poster I had of Tegan Jovanka back when I was a kid I’ve only heard stories of such things and never did that ever and then our female lead goes to the kitchen. On the fridge door is a note that reads something like GONE FOR THE NIGHT DONT HAVE A PARTY or something and next to that note is a crude drawing of a guy bending over with his um uh ur um uh butthole opened wide and his uh um ur urm eh um balls and cock hanging down low so I’m guessing the mom wrote the nice note and the dad left the other one so what a nice family 👍 Next she pours a glass of juice, takes one sip and leaves to go to high school and leaves the full glass of juice on the table. What is this place and who are these people? That’s like getting a burrito for lunch, eating half of it and leaving the other half on your desk while you go outside and smoke cigarettes while you’re on the clock at work and then coming back to a cold stale burrito . That doesn’t make any fucking sense and this is only about the first ten minutes of the movie.

At school, her and her seven “teenage” high school girlfriends hit a volleyball around and then take nude from the top up showers, running water over their uh um er I mean you know uh um soapy bosoms and decide to go ahead and have a party at the one girl’s house but Stinky Susie (I think is her name) isn’t invited. Oh – neither is the female coach who keeps remarking about how good they played with their beavers I mean balls today and how she only eats vagin I mean vegetables. After school one of the teenage females gets killed by the ? chef ? serial killer ? who is stalking the woods killing people ? the sound was so bad I think he even says things like “parlez vous (sp)” while killing people off screen by making slicing motions. Again – this is very cheap.

Following a grocery store montage involve cantaloupes, grapefruits, watermelons and them doinking on Stinky Susie again, they all converge at the house to start drinking and blowing up balloons and dancing and kissing a little I think before they get to the inevitable extra montage where they all take off their clothes and get into their dum dum dum ta dum bikinis.

Elsewhere, the beaver enthusiast coach is murdered by the chef for some reason.

Elsewhere, the football team gather to have their own party and literally grab each other’s butts, sniff their fingers and give each other long hugs. After (yes) a lengthy man dance number two of the guys decide to leave the butt and hug party and head over to girl spa party so maybe they can get laid.

Next door, Stinky Susie just wants to get into the party SO BAD that she even strips down and does a jigsaw puzzle in her skimpy underwear.

Back at the girl party and here’s where things kind of get OK I guess if you can believe me, aside from the TWO obnoxious pointy boner scenes, the chef is killing people and everyone’s in a panic! One of the hysterically scared dudes goes to the bathroom to pee. There – one of the bikini ladies is dead! Murdered! What a plot! “Aaaaaiiii!” he screams and runs to the kitchen “(whatshername) is dead aaaaiiiiiiii!” And then the blond Swedish lady speaks for the first time. “What if she is making a two?” She asks in broken English. “I just want a daiquiri!” gripes someone and they all have a frozen daiquiri party.

Elsewhere, one of the bikini ladies who ran off for help stops to eat some Mexican food next to – strangely – a cardboard cutout of Hitler doing his heil hitler maneuver with his arm. Weird.

Back at the house everyone’s tops have cone off and chases have been had and Stinky Susie has rolled her eyes for the last time and it’s time for the big finale out in the garage. “I’m going to rake you to death!” Utters our lead who I guess had no name because there’s no IMDb credit and the only pictures I can find of her are things from celebrity nude sites that I don’t want to click on. She picks up a rake! She rakes the chef to death! It’s over I think! Shit there’s two more of these things! And I’m going to watch them!

Hey here’s Smelly Susie right here. The one in the pink outfit. I don’t know how big that picture will be since I’m writing this on my phone on my lunch break. We’ll have to see.

Elsewhere the one lady continues to eat her tacos next to Hitler. She burps.

So really – yeah – this one is not so good but it has some sort of stupid quaint charm. I would probably put it slightly above The Scrotum but only because of Smelly Susie. And less hairy balls. Oh well you could probably just flip a coin and slightly enjoy either one of them. Slightly. They both have some of that sleazy charm like when you’re watching your neighbor’s tv when they’re watching adult movies except you’re standing outside the window.

FILED UNDER: SMELLY SUSIE AND HAVING A 2 AND BEAVERS