Do I say I wanted to like this movie? I like Perkins’ movies for the most part so I wanted this to be good and slow and methodical and atmospheric and then I guess it was a horror comedy? There were some funny parts for sure but I guess I wasn’t prepared for that much joking around. Maybe it felt like some inside joke movie they made and didn’t include me in on it so I grumbled a lot for leaving me out you sorry bastards but yeah it was funny and gory and nicely made but I can’t say I loved it or anything and if you’re not paying attention the guy from Halloween Ends that everyone hated is in this. “Ends” didn’t bother me like it seemed to bother everyone else – if anything it was Curtis who irritated me most – but I do watch a lot of SHIT so maybe I tend to like shiny things. Like right now I am taking a break from this movie called The Christmas Tapes because it’s so stupid I had to stop for a minute and have to say The Monkey is as a shitload better than this. But I’m going back in so be back later.

From what we can tell by watching, this movie is about a couple of kids who get a toy monkey from their dad and when they wind this monkey up this monkey plays its drum and someone dies a horrible death. Like maybe their guts get harpooned and then pulled out across a room or maybe your head catches on fire and you run out of the house screaming and you trip and you fall head first into the house for sale sign and you splat all over the place. In all of the things we did I never saw that happen but that was clever and funny for sure. When we lived in that house we had the guy that exploded and the flesh suit but no strung out guts and nothing exciting like that really happened when I lived by myself. I mean there was that time at the restaurant when the guy suffocated in the barrel of beans – I’ve mentioned all of that out here. Have I missed anything. Hmmm. There was that time in high school when we fought those farmers who were going to kill us and put their peeps in our corpses, I’ve mentioned that too. I mean there’s millions of almost scares but those were about it when death came around.

But in The Monkey death comes around a lot and it reminded me a lot of Death Note but I think everyone hated Death Note except for me and she who would be my absentee blog writing partner JB, but everyone gets killed in gruesome ways and that’s about that. I think my favorite bits were when that leg went flying across the pool and that part with the realtor lady and maybe the bus with the cheerleaders and there you go.

I don’t know why the monkey kills everyone or how it comes back from its destructions but it does and it does. Maybe the story is better and explains it all away but I think I’m done reading King especially since I took 30 years off of him and then read two of his books and they were the exact same thing I read I when I was a teenager. Sigh.

So: kids, wind up monkey, death, curse, guy from Halloween Ends, bees, bowling ball, death. Good stuff.

OH OH! Remember that time, we were out of high school so probably 91 or 92 and my grandpa rented us that car and that dude I knew in the apartment complex took us down to LA and we ended up at that lot where they took the picture for the Bullet Boys “Smooth Up In Ya” record whatever that was called and were drinking miller lite and smoking cigarettes all over the place and then that other guy came around and was talking about Motley Crue and he was all I know where Mick Mars lives so we gave him some beer and cigarettes and said we’d drive him down there but first we had to take him to get some ludes and there was that one lady there who blanked and then blanked for money and then that guy was too stoned to go back in the car but drew a map and we drove down there and we’re driving around through everyone’s front yards and got to Mars’ house and rang the doorbell and you peed there on the front steps like some Greek and that lady opened the door and her boobs were out and we were all “YEA” and she was all “what do you want” and we were all “does Mick live here” and she was like “Robbie they’re here” and you were “thanks ma’am” and she was “I don’t mind” and we all stood there and we were staring and I pointed at her chest and she said “i don’t mind” again and turned to leave and Mick came around the corner and she walked off and said “I don’t mind” again for some reason and we looked at him and he was covered with blood and scratches and was all wide eyed and creepy and said “come in we’ve been waiting for you” and we noticed he was naked and his dong was – uh- activating and we both shit ourselves but not literally and took off running and you slipped in your piss and got piss mud all over the onside of that car and we ran over his fucking mailbox hahahahahahaha!!!!! Shit!

But at least no one was dead that we know of.

FILED UNDER: I DON’T MIND AND MICK MARS AND SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA LIVIN’ AND BEES IN YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR TINY BALLS

PS:

No I am not in that album art. I’ve never worn leather pants.