Oh boy. I reckon this will be three Christmas seasons in a row with some sort of family Krampus and believe it or not it’s by accident. One time, it seems so long ago, I watched and covered Mother Krampus which was a terribly stupid thing about some old lady that came back from the grave or something and ate the offspring of the people that strung her up and the only memorable thing at all about that was when she put some kid in a sack and walked off with him meekly saying things like “please m’lady don’t cook and eat me m’lady I’m a jolly good boy please m’lady” or something and it was accidentally hilarious. The last year there was the slightly better Mother Krampus 2 which didn’t have any m’ladys and an actress I thought might be better than that movie but also involved a character who was left for dead but came back later in a different, better outfit including a necktie. When I saw this was out there I thought oh Christ here we go again and wouldn’t you know it it’s by that ITN movie company that amazes me how it makes money but here we are and this entire plot is incredibly the same as everything I’ve seen from these people.

A man/woman is accused of eating/murdering children so the townspeople string them up in a tree and hang them in some sort of lengthy black and white flashback. Wouldn’t you know it that’s what happens here too BUT THE EGG IS REALLY ON MY FACE because it’s not a copied plot point – the flashback is real and it’s the same murdered old child eating which from Mother Krampus but now she’s older so I guess she’s Granny Krampus. When I saw them doing flashbacks into Mother Krampus I thought (really) that no one would be stupid enough to get that relationship I mean no one absolutely no one what kind of fool and then thought about that for five seconds and looked at myself and realized I’m the guy that got that. It was me. I’m the one. Then I went and took all of the books out of the bottom of my bookshelf and curled up in there and hid from the dark like I did when I was a little kid and cried myself to sleep.

I didn’t really do that because I’m a lot bigger than I was when I was a kid so instead I realized I was the only idiot who would get that whole thing and went and finished the movie so here we go:

Two British sisters go to their British grandma’s estate out in the fields. Grandma seems happy like all British people seem to be with all of her talk about teas and universities but we can tell she’s prison shithouse crazy because she’s got a stuttering and stammering old man rocking himself around and about in his British upstairs bedroom. Who’s the blathering imbecile upstairs ma’am? They ask and are told it’s her dearly beloved brother who won’t hurt the charm off a fly and to pay him no heed as he’s just going through some things and he’ll never peep on you or stand in your bedroom while you’re asleep. Thank you ma’am they say and then spend a lot of time arguing about how the one sister is leaving the other sister there for good to be taken care of because she’s not mom material. Where is there mom you ask because I left out that detail – she was murdered earlier (off screen mind you) by some sort of shady thing in a Santa suit that seems to float sometimes and walk with a cane others. Why? We have no idea yet but I bet the big reveal will be powerful as shit.

Back in the manor, tensions are high as no one, in this giant English estate, can find privacy to jack off. Well that’s not exactly in there but I wanted to keep any reader on their toes. The two girls argue, the grandma serves tea. They play a game similar to what we call Scrabble here in the states. Elsewhere and unconnectedly a woman calls her mom and says she won’t be coming home for Christmas and won’t be coming home any other time for that matter eat shite ma’am. No sooner than she hangs up the phone, a dark figure in a Santa suit opens the front door like they own the place and then slowly so very very very slowly follows the ungrateful lady around a table until she is strangled with some Christmas lights. Worst death ever. Back at the estate, the blathering old fellow shows signs of life. “I think someone’s in the room” says one sister to the other and they turn their heads and see him standing three feet away, staring into a corner. Worst slow scare ever. At least I don’t think he was beating off.

Elsewhere someone gets slowly slowly slowly killed by the Santa thing that’s going around and I don’t mean those cases if V.D. in your neighborhood and we get a glimpse of it and it’s got horns that actually seem kind of cool but you know just as well as I do that it will make no difference in the end because we have group premonitions that this will end up being a very poor movie.

Back at the manor some dude and his kid show up for Christmas and cakes and to play snooker and talk shit about DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM Mother Krampus and then one of them is dead and it’s time for the big finale and OH MY GOD nothing exciting happens and Granny Krampus is vanquished and everyone who still lives is jolly good old cock even though that might be an Australian saying now that I think of it but I don’t know any other British sayings so jolly good old cock it is and the movie ends flaccidly because of that V.D. that’s been going around.

Since I always really do try and find something nice about these things if I can, everything looks nice and HD and the actresses who played the sisters seemed reasonable but other than that this think stunk..……………………. …………………………… …………………….. …………………………….. ………………….. …………… . …………… like that person with V.D. down the street HEY-O!! WOO OOOOOOOOOOOO!! Three venereal disease references in one post!

FILED UNDER: AS BAD AS THAT VD THE MILITARY MAKES MOVIES ABOUT YOU KNOW YOU’VE EITHER SEEN OR KNOW ABOUT THEM