Arf! We’ll wait. About ten years ago I was involved in a massive layoff at the job I’d had for 16 years and thought I’d just work there until I retired but that didn’t fucking happen so I took some of my severance money and bought a nice HD camera and went around the state I live in filming scenes of my friends bloodied and dead. The point was to use that footage to make a trailer for a movie for a crowdfunding site and then raise enough money to make the actual thing. By amazing feats of everyone being too busy – none of that ever happened and nothing came from my dream. I did pay for these two things and they’ve always made me very happy. I actually think I still have a bunch of these upstairs if you want one.

So a bunch of us took my camera to various fields and parks and lakes and bridges and bloodied each other all up and I bought this leg and we took a bunch of stills and motion shots of various dead or being killed people and my favorite had to be when Richie was walking over that bridge with the leg or when we rented that shitty hotel room and (name redacted) was covered in blood and acting like she was going at it on some guy from behind screaming “Who’s your mommy?!” over and over . That was epic.

And I wanted a character named Jim Sideboob but I never got him worked in there. But nothing ever happened with that and my script still sits around doing nothing and those videos I posted on YouTube are lost to time I guess so cry cry cry. And all of that is to say that I feel like whoever made this movie for today did the same thing: bought a camera and filmed random shit in some national park when no one was looking and then edited it all together later. Because this thing kind of goes like this:

A woman runs scared through a creek!

Next: a man and woman are walking up a mountain. Soon, he’s dead!

Next: a different man is bird watching. Soon, he’s dead!

Next: a woman is painting some natural wildflower paintings as her baby hangs around nearby. Soon, she’s dead!

Next: four people walk through a bunch of grass and crags

Next: a man and woman are in a van. He’s horny but she’s not. Soon, he’s dead! And the van rolls off the mountain so: she’s dead!

Next: the four folks from earlier are playing in a stream. Above them, someone’s dead!

Next: an obese man is at the top of the mountain by himself wheeling himself in his wheelchair on a gravel road. He falls over! He rolls down the mountain! He’s dead!

Next: two of our four folks who the story may or may not center around are playing grab-ass out in the grasses. “I’ll show you real good for teasing my nuts!” he shouts and zips her up in her sleeping bag and strings her up in a tree (for real). She hears some tusslin’. She tips open her bag. Below her, her man is dead!

Elsewhere, they finally show the killer and it’s a mountain man in raccoon and other pelts and he’s got a stick! He’ll kill you dead! Dead as shit! Why!! No one knows but he’s strong enough to push a van over. And be everywhere in that mountain at once. And he’s pissed! And he lives in some shack on the mountain that the keen eye will notice has nice new windows! But he’s pissed and killin’ everyone with his pointy stick!

Two of the four people that were once frolicking in the water escape and make their way into town where they are seen to a hospital somehow. “They are very fragile and could snap like that” says Dr Sideboob. “We better send out a search party up on that mountain” mumbles the sheriff. “And tell the boys we’re doing mountain justice this time!” (or something).

Anyway. I bet good money you know how this turns out so I won’t bother spoiling it. I will say say that this is one of the poorer movies I’ve watched in a while and I didn’t enjoy any of it. The camera was super shaky and the sound seemed to be recorded later by people that had no idea what to say or remembered what they were doing back in the day when the movie was shot. The killer didn’t make any fucking sense and all of the kills were offscreen with some stage blood squirting around here and there kind of like what we put in Chris’ back in the green poster up above.

I don’t do a rating system but instead file these things away into a perfectly logical and consistent file system but if had to give this one a grade I’d give it 1 fat guys in a wheelchair out of 10 and i should mention that if there is anything that was half decent about this it would be the maybe 60 second song over the very abbreviated credits. It’s been a couple of weeks since I finished this thing but it went something like this (I think) (and I’m not just doing my usual embellishing) (nd maybe not embellishing so much as to adding something maybe something could have used a little more of) (or maybe that’s just how I interpret things because we’re all different right?)

“Don’t go out in the woods
Don’t take no pills,
If you go out in the woods,
You’re gonna get killed”

Seriously – something like that. But in the end if we have to reflect on this crappo movie, we can think of Wrong Turn, maybe, as our purveyor of tribal knowledge. And one night we’re sitting there watching it and Jeremy Sisto is there and so is Eliza Dushku and Lindy Booth and some mutated hillbillies are killing and eating people and it’s kind of fun in a weird way and then in walks Wrong Turn’s wrinkled and droopy and saggy and stinky and toothless and yellowed grandpappy and he starts coughing and sneezing and farting and shitting and starts telling us about this time he lived on a mountain and went around killing everyone with a nothing but a fucking stick because that’s all his generation ever needed and his body count was in the hundreds and kids today are douchebag wusses who wouldn’t know the first thing about living off the land because this land was handed down to us from our ancestors and not the goddamed government and our rights are our rights and he’ll kill every single one of you bastards who steps foot on his land he don’t care if you man woman or cripple or baby you don’t belong here this is his land and then he stops for a minute and you think he’s dead because rumor has it he’s almost two hundred years old or something like that and then he falls down but that’s normal because he always does anyway and he kind of twitches a little there and his chew falls out of his mouth and we all look at each other like who’s cleaning up all of that shit and no one knows what to do so we’re like huh and hope someone has that all written down because that’s how it all happened before we came around.

FILED UNDER:HOW’D THAT GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR GET UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE I MEAN DID HE COME IN A HELICOPTER OR SOMETHING AND FLAPPITY