To put some context to this feature film, I didn’t really love the first Strangers – and that could possibly be because I don’t really love Liv Tyler too much – and that could be because I don’t like her dad very much – and that could be because I don’t like his band very much – and that could be because I grew up with this friend who LOVED Aerosmith and would never shut up about them no matter what ‘hey did you listen to the new Metallica record?” “Aerosmith!’ ‘Hey have you ever heard of this Joe Satriani guy?’ Aerosmith!!’ Like a never ending looped broken record – but I also didn’t love – and in fact one of The Top Five Eric Undead Movie TaintsTM has got to be when the entire movie plot and story is summed up with “because you were here” or “because we can” so The Strangers didn’t do much for me.

*breathes

*rubs calming tiger eye stone

Then Prey at Night came around and for some reason I really really liked it. I loved that whole swimming pool scene and the big truck on fire sequence there towards the end and there was this part where they rammed something into a house that comes to mind that I liked so yay I really dug that one yay for me party party party woo woo look out below.

Then this was announced and some of the places I read were doing posts about its looming production and all I could think of was “Renny Harlin?” as the director because Renny Harlin? And they were making three of them? And Renny Harlin? And now I’ve finally watched this thing and it was so unimpressive that I couldn’t believe it and spoiler “because you were here” fart fart fart poop poop poop yawn come on womp womp womp shlooooom blip blip.

In the exact same premise as the first one, a couple end up having to stay in some house alone and they are slowly stalked by three people in masks who lurk outside windows and stand in the shadows, because some people are home. They ring doorbells and run away without a sound and no matter where you go ever they are behind you in the darkness, ready to move their masks into whatever tiny light you’re got left, so they somehow know every move you’re ever going to make in whatever time you have left on Earth and they will get there before you and hide behind you. “Boo bitch!” someone screams but they really don’t because they don’t make any noise whatsoever ever aside from saying “we murdered you because you were here” or the occasional wild-person-screaming-hysterically when someone holds a gun to their head. “Aaaayyyaayyy shoot me shoot me I’m a flipping flappity!!” the one girl in the mask screams while swaying back and forth with one hand on her hip and the other in the air dancing like ‘I’m a little teapot’. “Huh what” asks the guy with the gun while someone else sneaks up behind him making no noise at all not even a whisper of leaves rustling or crunching leaves or crunching tiny sticks and twigs and clubs him on the back of the head. “She said boo bitch!” He mumbles while Harlin giggles hysterically. Probably rubbing his thighs. And not in some therapeutic way. Rubbing them like well you know surely. Looking at you and rubbing. Rubbing.

Now that may or may not happen exactly like it was in the script they had me proofread which I did of course before signing off off on it because some Hollywood type exec read my thoughts on Dimples and it must have really got their firm excited about our work here at Eric Undead but somehow between that day and the finished product some things changed somehow somewhere. Also missing was the part where the guy enters (and wins) that frito chili pie eating contest at the local diner which is a much better reason for why the locals hate him. I also thought it was weird how they took out the whole backstory of how the red headed girl was actually trafficking weed hidden in the interior of their mid-sized SUV thing which gave a more twisty type of plot where she was maybe just hallucinating everything after getting jacked up on her own product she’s seen smoking by herself in that cabin but who knows what happened between the creative process and what goes on in Renny Harlin’s head. *shrugs

At least we know the second one is almost ready to go and it may even have come and gone by the time this posts because I’m always so far behind on everything I want to do. But if we want to say something nice at least this was HD and not everything was just filmed in the dark so no one can see anything. I suppose the sound was good and most of the characters seemed like believable people except for the one mechanic guy who just shows up continuously unannounced looking in your window with his mouth opening, dripping tobacco juice all over his overalls because everyone who works on cars even in Oregon is a mumbling dumbass who doesn’t know how to announce himself but is great at fixing alternators. And probably doing complex 41 point inspections on modern, computer chip driven smart vehicles.

SUMMERY ET CONCLUSIONEM: in the end I STILL like Prey at Night immensely better than either of the other two.

ORDINARIUS CUM: PRETTY LAME BUT THE ACTRESS HAD A NICE I’M REALLY SCARED FACE ABOUT HER SO THERE’S THAT

FINITUM; RENNY HARLIN WANTS YOU TO RUB HIS THIGH