In this movie Robin Yount and Paul Molitor played baseball for the Brewers for 40 years and won eighteen World Series and everyone lived happily ever after. The end!

Oh wait that’s not right.

In this movie John Cheever never died and just keeps on writing and writing and writing and wri- no no wait.

In this movie Nic Cage plays a meek man with a high pitched voice who suddenly starts showing up in people’s dreams but never does anything except for stand around or walk in a room (except for this one particular lady’s dreams) or maybe he rakes leaves or looks in a window. No one knows why or anything but it happens and this mild fellow who just wants to publish a book he’s never written is suddenly popular on the net and despite himself he likes it and maybe he can just get that goddammed book deal after all. There’s also a lady named Julianne Nicholson in here who I really like and OMG look it’s someone from Letters To Satan Clause! And she’s great. And then just when you think you’re safe and not paying any attention, BAM a slap right in your face and there’s Michael Cera. So be warned. BAM I’M MICHAEL CERA! BAM!

But let’s get down to business real fast.

I don’t think the only thing to take from this movie is that the timid man jizzes his pants and then farts but i felt it was a pretty good headline for when I actually remember to do headlines for these posts because that totally sounds like the advice i always used to dole out around here about being from a small town and “never nut yourself in the grain silo”. Not that anything like that ever happened to me of course because i never made it with anyone in the grain silo or the grain elevator and was never a teenager who was around a girl for the first time in such a place or the movie theater or in the front seat of a ’73 Caprice on prom night or anything like that because that’s all made up and just part of the creative process. I think it’s just comical that something like that actually happened to someone else in someone else’s mind somewhere somehow and they slipped it into this movie and i thought it was super funny because that happens and he farts and then says ‘that’s perfectly normal’ and then gets up and leaves. I mean I don’t know what ever I would have done in such an imaginary situation that’s never happened but that seems like a perfectly good response to something made up like that that I’ve only ever heard stories and myths about but that seems like some sort of good solution to put out here for future generations to know in advance if that happens to some poor sonofabitch and not something historical or something because something fake and made up like like that that can’t be real nope.

For example, instead of trying to hide it or yelling out “OH FOR PETE’S SAKE NOT AGAIN!!” and flying into a hysterical rage or blaming the almighty and all of the hosts for this simple example of your undying love that you felt you had to share or even looking at your genitals* and weeping and whispering “it’s all your fault it’s all your fault”, maybe this could work out better for you, young man, in your time of distress. Maybe.

*ahem. Where were we?

So Cage starts showing up in people’s dreams and he goes viral and people are finally noticing him and someone even flies him out to the big city to talk about sponsorship deals (including his book) and this one comely young lady tells him about her sex dreams she had about him and he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with a coworker so he goes over to the young lady’s house to enact one of her dreams and them blammo that comes to an end and all of a sudden people are still dreaming about him but now they are all terrible nightmares where he kills them instead of hanging around in the background and then people start to hate him and push him away, even his own wife of decades, causing this to be more of a tragedy I think than a comedy.

I think this is an enjoyable movie with some good things that go on in it but in my opinion I don’t think this was anywhere near as good as Pig when we see things thrown around as “awards worthy” not that anyone will give my man Cage the time of day anymore no matter how much Pig deserved it. For one thing his nasally sniveling voice really bothered me from the moment I heard it and it either reminded me of Pat from Saturday Night Live or that one character Martín Short used to do when he pulled his pants up to his rib cage and danced around like maybe the Hamburgler or something. PS I didn’t like either of those characters so his voice got old and worked my nerve. The bald head also bothered me a little and I don’t know why really. Maybe I couldn’t figure out if he was wearing a bald cap or not. I mean I don’t think he is but sometimes with our new hi-tech HD screens we can really see folks sweating like you used to not be able to and maybe he just needs his aide to mop up his forehead sweat or maybe the cap was peeling off I don’t know but it seemed distracting occasionally. I’m sure Cage would never stoop to parlor tricks or cheap stage makeup to accomplish his goals.

But I guess it is what it is and we are who we are and we do what we do and we eat who we eat and all of those good things and good times shalom and namaste and mahalo.

FILED UNDER: THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND THEY KNOW WHO YOU ATE AND SYMBOLIC MOVEMENTS OF MY UNDYING LOVE