A) I couldn’t find any resemblance of a decently sized poster of this without having to drag it out and make it blurry as shit so I commissioned Steve to make 8 of these and went with this one because obviously. This poster alone makes the viewer wonder: why is this nun cloistered? Is it because she has shamed her family and must atone for her sins? Has she forsaken the holy and must be tucked away in the blackness until she repents and returns to the light? Or is society hiding her away because of her giant, monster hand? Did the makers of this 1973 period piece intend to expose the royal bloodline once hidden from invaders and religious persecution due to the perceived deformation of their heir’s swollen palm? “We are here to explore the truth!” the producers may have announced in their native tongues, pounding on their tables, spilling their wines. “This cannot be hidden from our eyes any longer!” Do you think that’s what was going on when this was made? Do you? Huh do you do you?

B) Delving into my general love of 70s horror and thrilling Giallo, this showed up on my digital doorstep in a basket all wrapped in swaddling clothes and sucking on something as “something you’ll like” and it was obviously full of nuns for the Eric Undead Nun-o-Rama^TM project and the hand drawn beauty of the actual real original poster looked enticing and it looked like someone was going to get a whipping and maybe I’d be in for a nice and wholesome 70s sploitation I could write letters to my family about and regale loudly to every one in my Sunday school classes. “Hey I watched this movie about these nuns the other day and they kept taking off all of their robes and tunics and wouldn’t you know it they-” but that’s getting ahead of myself.

C) This movie was so boring I couldn’t believe it.

Back in some medieval times these two babies are betrothed to each other in some sort of royal family brokerage that probably had something to do with land and property and gold and assets and privilege and fancy dresses and tobaccos and jewels and titles and other shit that the rich all do together when no one is paying attention except for other rich people.

Eventually, as the story goes, these babies grow up and turn into horny adults but alas the girl baby turned horny adult doesn’t want to be wed to that baby turned adult she was promised to so her parents do the only natural thing a parent could go, they throw her into the local convent to atone for her sins against them and god and to teach her a big fucking lesson not to mess with their shit! Now, I’ve never been placed into a convent against my will for all of my depraved crimes against the royal family, so I can’t speak to the truth about this alleged story based on true events but I can tell you after seeing this that this sure wasn’t too exploitation-y or sex-y or depravity-y or whip-y or carnal-y or lewd-y or even what I would consider r-rated-y unless we’re thinking some exposed um er uhm you see um I mean well boobs are what was considered risqué-y whenever this came out but I find that hard to believe because I’ve seen much worse I mean I haven’t I never have.

So what does happen?

A lady is led into the convent then stripped of her jewelry. And her clothes. She is them put in some sort of smock and sent into a cell to live alone for 40 days and nights pretty much crying the entire time. When she is freed she meets other nuns and they walk around a tree reading scriptures and gossiping. Also going on – a nun slips out at night to have off screen pleasures with some duke or earl or some sort of rich type who gets massages out in the garden. Back in the convent some lady on lady love is hinted at and someone kisses a cheek. Before too long someone gets the whip for going out of her room at night but this is also offscreen and no one watching gets excited about anything ever. “Taste the whip!” Sings the guy from that one song I like but never remember when I want to play music – the one with the sitar.

So nothing exciting happens at all unless you think people talking is exciting which doesn’t always do it for me but as things go one of the nuns – I won’t spoil it and tell you who in case you want to see this beauty – gets knocked up and it’s not the immaculate kind. I guess the best part of this whole thing is when the angry old priest guy who runs the diocese comes around to do whatever they do with the nun and her baby and all of the convent do a big “I am Spartacus!!” in front of him meaning they are all admitting to having the baby in a big sense of unity and sisterly cohesion. “I am she and I had the baby!” they all start screaming (or something close to that) and then the convent is closed and the real lady that had the baby heads off into the hills.

I can’t tell but I think this had some sort of good value when it was made with the costumes and the settings and the high art concept of a nun getting The Sex and bringing even more shame on everything besides her family but man this was boring and a real drag to sit through. Read: YAWN. For some reason I thought or had an idea in my mind that this would be maybe a little more naked-y maybe or even some sort of darker-y with all of the talks of whipping and disgraceful acts but in the end this was really just lame AF-y and didn’t inspire me to reach new heights or celebrate achievements or finish that novel or conquer my fears or surprise punch someone standing in the microwave line but if nothing else we have a beautiful poster of a nun with a giant hand.

FILED UNDER: I SHOULD PUNCH MYSELF IN THE STOMACH FOR THIS ONE AND NON-NAKED-Y AND I AM SPARTACUS

AND NOW! The moment has come! Today we’ve seen a woman with a large hand, a woman impregnated and a an angry churchman with the fire of god in his eyes! You may not have actually seen it but I misspelled a lot of words on this post I had to correct and you bore (?) witness to abundance of someone trying uselessly to make nouns into adjectives. But – just like the 10th wonder of the ancient world, The Great Carnival of St Petersburg c. 870-790 BCE, it’s all come down to this! Behold! Imagine me with a great handlebar moustache waving a cane in the air!