I’ve been getting a little behind on my movie watching due to having to work extra and a vacation but I am sitting in my doctors office waiting on the bastard and I can either watch reruns of The Waltons with nothing else to do so I am going to try something creative and start a post about this movie I started the other weekend but didn’t make it through the opening credits yet. There was some sort of prologue before they cut into them so let’s see where I think they’re going to go with this and then let’s see if I’m right or wrong.

This opens with a female talking about how “she sees Sister Monday everywhere” and then something happens and she starts screaming and they cut to the credits sooooooo

*ahem*

“I see Sister Monday everywhere in my closet and in my sheets and in those pictures I painted and outside in the shrubs and in that magazine in my dads sock drawer and in the cupboard and in the tv and in the window and at Sunday school and at dinner and in my moms macrame and she never leaves me alone and she’s always wanting something from me and she says my mom and dad are bad for me and I tell her it’s not nice to talk about someone’s parents when you don’t know them and she says I know them and I say you don’t they’re my parents not yours and it’s not nice to talk about them and she points a finger at me and opens her big mouth for some reason and points at me more and howls like some pig and I say look it’s not nice to point at people didn’t they teach you any manners in nun school and she says listen kid I’m here to eat your soul and I say look listen I don’t know you and you aren’t supposed to point at people and you really need to brush those teeth don’t you know cavities are bad for you my dentist says you should brush after every meal especially before bed and she lets out a terrible noise and I figure it’s from a tooth ache so I go to my bathroom and get her my toothpaste tube and throw it to her and she can’t catch it maybe because she never played catch and I’m all look put some of that in your mouth ma’am and it’ll help and she screams again like someone stepped on her foot and my daddy busts in and says what’s all the ruckus I thought I told you lights out and sees the nun standing there and my toothpaste there and he says a bad word and my momma starts screaming and says you again or something and then the nun is screaming and my daddy pulls a cross off his necklace and shows it to her and she screams something awful and then she leaves and momma starts crying and daddy is all we did it honey to momma and says he wants to give her a special gift and she’s all smiley and happy and says something about but stuff and they close my door and I pick up my toothpaste and put it by my sink and get in bed but then I hear moaning and screaming from mommas room so I run up there with my candlestick and I open the door and daddy is bumping mommy from behind her and she’s making noise and screaming and he’s praying with his hand in the air and I start screaming stop daddy stop it stop it and he gets crazy eyes and starts pointing too and telling me to get out and go to bed and mommy is all stop it don’t stop it and telling Jesus something and daddy is screaming and I run off down the hall and hide under the bed and put my hands over my mouth and close my eyes and when I open them again the sun is out.”

I bet it really goes something like that I bet it does uh huh. Let’s see.

Also: Felissa Rose is in this.

Well, I still haven’t re-started this thing because I was busy all weekend again and I’m back at the doctor’s for a follow up so let’s make another educated guess at what’s going to happen in this thing based off of that picture I found that was tagged with the title of this movie even though I can’t 100% verify that.

*ahem*

“Listen,” says Sister Monday, addressing a group of teenagers who she secretly plans to violently murder. “When I was a little girl my father went away to fight for his country in the war he was a gunner you know and he went over to to Europe and helped gun down airplanes because that’s what he said in his letters boy did I love receiving those letters my mom and I used to get them and smell them and we’d make a casserole and eat dinner and then unwrap the letters and read them together by the fire if it was cold enough you know and he said ‘my beloved family I gunned down two Kraut twin engines today stop’ and we would be so happy and full of good sleep and the next day at school I went to The Sisters of Piety and Mourning you know I would tell my classmates about my fathers letter and one time we took our brooms and started acting like we were shooting down the enemy from our positions ratta tatta tatta tatta blamma blamma and The Mother Superior saw us from her window and came out screaming ‘Our Sisters don’t ratta tatta tatta here and she whipped our buns good and bloodied our knuckles and we never took brooms into our hand like that again you know then father came back from the war and he took up drinking and he smelled so awful with his rotten feet and his bleeding gums and one time he started into the bag at breakfast talking about how they’d take free nights in some hole somewhere and we didn’t understand what he did for his country and making obscene gestures around his buttocks and he started throwing plates and silverware and fruit and swallowing more sipping whiskey and he was yelling and stomping around the kitchen singing Battle Hymn of the Republic like some sort of band leader and he knocked my Bible off its stand and he squished it with his moldy black feet so I cut his fucking throat right there you know and I’ve been cursed ever sense now if you don’t mind I’m going to kill you all one by one to satisfy my unholy hungers.”

Yes yes that’s got to be it this time I know it I’m sure of it!

In real life, now that I’ve seen the thing, since I’m honest and fair and would never lie, I have to say that I was off the mark there, both times. What really happens is that these four people re going somewhere, I don’t remember where, and we start off where they’ve stopped so the sister of the lady above in the hoodie thing can take pictures of an old rundown convent / church because she’s been “obsessed with nuns her whole life”. “This convent burned down,” she explains, robbing me of my moment and using proper sentences, “and the last nun here moved over to the prison nearby to take care of inmates.” “She also murdered them.” she adds. Sadly, it starts to rain and somehow the keys to their truck went missing so they decide to hike through the forest to go take shelter in the abandoned prison, like we all would. There, the shortest person in the picture two images above decides to go exploring the place and the guy with the irritating glasses with blue frames goes with her while the other two stay behind because he wants to do some boob fondling. He even demonstrates this with his hands to emphasize the point which I thought was kind of funny but it was probably in poor taste unless you’re some sort of Greek. Or Turk.

Soon, just as you might imagine since you’ve seen movies like this before, the gates of hell open up right there in the old kitchen of the old prison and the devil himself comes to welcome them in. “Hi folks,” he says with his pointy tongue flipping all over the place, “ come on in and stay awhile, it’ll be nice to have some more company” and waves them in with his hand. “Come on come on don’t be afraid of me it’s not like you’ve heard it’s actually pretty nice but, oh ok I see you’re not packed but that’s ok because you don’t need winter coats down here come on come on let’s move along” and as they move past him he pinches the butt of the pretty girl in the shawl thing and she smacks his hand playfully and is all “look mister!” but you could tell she likes the attention from her sly smile and coy eyes and the four of them walk in and as the gates start to close Felissa Rose pokes her head out and says “free parking” and the doors slam shut.

None of that last paragraph is true but it might be better than what actually happens for the next 45 minutes or so: two people wander around the prison and the other two sit in a room talking about some unimportant things.

So let’s just forward through this real quick, analog tape style. Whizzity whizzity whizzity whizzity whiz whiz putt putt put put whip whiiiip whiiiiiiiip.

I went to look at this on IMDb because I thought I recognized the talker blond lady but I was wrong about that too. While I was loitering there I noticed this has a 2.6 rating which always makes me laugh because honestly what were you expecting when you rented / watched / stole a movie called A Nun’s Curse with Felissa Rose in it? Were some people like “man I think this movie’s gonna be the one that changes my life!”? I totally knew what I was getting in to and well uhm I didn’t hate it even if one of the lines included the word “lollercoaster” (I think or some derivative) instead of just “LOL” or script direction of “character: laughs”. Other than that unfortunate word, some slow ass pacing and bad sound I didn’t think it totally sucked. I mean maybe it did a little since I knew pretty quick what was going to happen but it’s better than other nun movies in this project. I mean I’m not some sort of greasy optimist who thinks everything’s just great but there’s a lot worse out there than this.

FILED UNDER: WHIZZITY WHIZZITY WHIZZITY WHIZZITY PUTT PUTT AND FOR SOME REASON “DEAN”

And now –