I’m going to go with that poster because that’s what they have on their IMDB page but I want you to know that this horrible and terrible knock off of The Nun has literally nothing to do with whatever they have going on up there. If anything this movie has something to do with painkiller addiction and someone bought the script and was all “let’s try and make a few bucks of this nun craze” so they slipped in this stupid side story about some ghost nun thing and some convent land or something and she needs a replacement to haunt the house or something even stupider so she can move on to heaven even if it means murdering people. Otherwise this young looking lady has a teenage daughter from some marriage that was dependent on dope and now she’s clean or something but her and her dentist husband are moving out but the ghost nun wants her to stay and she finds some old pills in a cabinet and flushes them down the toilet or does she and now she’s just high and jacked up and somehow has a gun in her purse and is trapped in her house. Sound good? Well – I’m happy they got their movie made and distributed and I hope they all made some good money and are really happy with themselves and they all ejaculate everywhere because of what they did here because I thought this was some real bullshit but oh great good for them.

Anyway here’s a poster Steve Loggins and I made that I like a ton better and it’s calming my nerves a little. I mean just look at those soothing fingers and that fruit! Forbidden!

But back to this shit I mean this movie. Do we have to applaud that they made their movie and published it and put it out there? Do we or do we need to acknowledge that it’s not really any good at all and doesn’t kind of make much sense and doesn’t seem very well thought out and doesn’t seem super polished and all of those things but yes they did something and that’s good for them but well I thought this thing stink and I hated it.

This thing starts off with some guy sitting in some very modern bedroom with modern sheets and iron crosses on the walls and lamps and things and he’s got a ouija with him and one of those white-noise-y things for picking up the voices of specters and spooks and he’s trying to contact the spirit of some dead nun who’s trapped in the closet there. He makes some sort of contact with her and gets scared so he walks out of the room and immediately renters the same room through a different door on the other wall. This actually happens over and over again and I was wondering if this was the whole thing or whaaaaaat and then he jumps out of a window and lands back in the room and I was thinking about harming myself but then he stands up to leave and the dead ghost nun thing pulls him under the bed and that part is over lord have mercy.

Next up some lady who I thought was someone’s teenage daughter is tucking her own daughter into that very same bed in that very same room but the daughter under the sheets is just a bundle of spooky ghost stuff I guess because the real daughter comes walking in through one of those tricky doors I mentioned earlier and is ready for bed so she gets tucked in for real was what’s going on stop fucking with my head. Very soon after that it’s daytime and they order a pizza and she stiffs the delivery guy by three American cents and flips him off for his troubles and you’re not going to believe this but this stupid pizza transaction is kind of the crux of the story and when she finally figures out how to give the guy the right amount of money for their dinner then and only then do we know she’s saved and we can all sleep well again with our windows open and a nice summer night breeze blowing in.

This Jetpack app is acting up and not letting me upload any photos so here’s an idea of what we see when the nun gets angry this one time which is actually pretty accurate:

Oh look ok here we go with a pic from the movie:

Anyway. So before she can come to terms with giving the pizza guy his full amount of money owed, she: maybe or maybe not flushes pills down a toilet, maybe gets drowned by a nun in her own bathtub by some sort of sheer glass covering her up, pulls a random handgun from her purse and threatens the ghost with it, does some ouija with the guy we all thought was dead from the opening but is back after being dragged under the bed but this time as a handyman who is also ghost hunting but is also dead I guess but not real dead like the angry ghost lady is dead, maybe sobers up and leads a good clean life but still screws the guy out of his three pennies because she’s a rotten bitch but is actually not sober after all it’s all a dream so she takes a sledgehammer to the floor and crawls through some air ducts and finally is saved I guess yay she wins we all win yay party party but no pills for her no not that kind of party.

But what about the poor dead nun? From what we can glean from the dead guy that died but wasn’t dead then was dead, at some point in the past the land this mansion is currently built on had a convent in it so between then and now the convent was destroyed and then nun’s restless soul stayed with the ahem land and not the building and now she waits in the closet or under the bed until someone can take her place for some reason I must have missed. You can watch the trailer and get an idea of what you’re in for if you pick this but this nun really likes to write the word “stay” on different things trying to get the young lady with the kid that’s almost her age to not move out so she, the nun, can. Being dead, our nun ghost also has rotten and misshapen teeth, long dirty fingers and can levitate sometimes but just walks around most often. I think there was one time she went to find the dead guy that wasn’t dead in the attic and the nun ghost had to use the attic ladder to go up there but I might be confusing that because my memories are all jumbled up with the astonishing ecstasy I’m experiencing from sitting through this thing. How will the nun’s story play out? What if she’s the real heroine if the story and just wants to move on to her final resting place. John Cheever wrote that “Bascomb believed, as Cocteau once said, that the writing of poetry was the exploitation of a substratum of memory that was imperfectly understood.” Perhaps that applies here? Maybe our time we spent together on the couch with the ice outside and the dogs sleeping near me was just too short? Maybe we’ll meet again in the orchards of North

One of those pictures is from the movie of an adult woman who begat a teenage daughter who is praying for this piece of writing to end and the other is an artful rendering of a nun screaming at me and telling me to hurry up with it already. I don’t want this to turn out like that time I had the Alien Romnulus watch party. Well shit I don’t think I posted that.

While none of these movies actually turn out to be too great, sometimes they can be a little fun but not this time out, sorry. I think the nun up above with the three legs might have made this better but this thing will probably head on down to the bottom of the list. If you throw in the mid credits scene it makes it worse and then there’s something even worse at the very, very end – an inside joke that I guess only a few people will get.

FILED UNDER: IT’S NICE HOW EVEN WITH MY OLD EYES I NOTICED HER ALWAYS WEARING HER CONVERSE SHOES AND THEN WHEN SHE POPS OUT OF THE TUB SHE’S BAREFOOT AND THEN WHEN SHE’S RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER THEY’RE BACK ON AGAIN.

Our updated diagram the major news outlets are calling “a selfless act of immolation not witnessed since the middle ages”*

*they’re not