Somewhere in the jungles of Los Angeles some primitive land where the indigenous have lived in happiness and peace away from the white slave traders and overlords, a group of cheerful folks with darker skin celebrate what appears to be a wedding. They drink some sort of clear liquid out of a bottle and dance around and inside some stick formations laughing and carrying on like beautiful, nature loving, human beings should. When the dance is over the newlywed (?) and her new husband (?) totter off into the woods, laughing and skipping and playing like children and – someone like me – figures they’re both going to enjoy insertions and rubbings and sucklings the likes of which they’d only heard stories of around the campfire. “Stop running so I can rub and suckle you!” you can almost hear the man plead. “I am ready to insert!” But no she frolicks farther into the forbidden woods, skirt in hand, presumably looking for just the right place to start rubbing and suckling and producing offspring. BUT NO!! Right there before her primitive eyes is some sort of giant structure made out of something the color of bone! Inside an opening at the top is a woman with pale skin and some sort of green gas coming forth from her eyes! Our bride is terrified! She shrieks! The woman in the building uses witchcraft and collapses what is hopefully not a load bearing column on top of our bride! Her arm!! The locals run to her side!! WHAT IS THIS WHITE MAGICK???’

Elsewhere, a tanned man wearing what appears to be a “coverall” with the shirt opened to his hairy abs helps pull some luggage from a carousel. “Honey we’re going to be so happy here and make a shitload of money” he says, being a professional and not eyeballing her bounding cleavage. “I just can’t wait until we move into our new apartment!” She replies. “You got that right and they better have some goddammed air conditioning!” He shouts and wipes his forehead with a handkerchief. “I’ve got Eisenhower Balls down here!” He angrily looks around pointing at his genitals, trying to see if any of the non English speaking locals will pick up on that saying I just made up. “No??!” “Hey!” “How about the prickly heat??!” but still no one gets what he’s trying to relay, it seems the transition from English to whatever they speak in this country is either forbidden or lost to the countless years of being free from the colonial English. “NO??!!” He throws his hands in the air. “I guess the brochure lied!” He’s pissed and throws a magazine in the garbage can. “What’s a man got to do to get his balls powdered these days??”

Elsewhere, a slightly less tanned man, albeit taller, brokers a deal with a tanned male we believe is a native. We know there is a scheme but who’s scheming who? Which rat has the other rat’s tail? Who is going to get it in the can this time? Right up broadway, captain here comes the ginger root!

Soon they all converge (forgetting the poor newlywed couple at the top of this piece) and the newly arrived white devils are taken to their new home – – a pillary white or even bone colored mansion out in the woods!! AAAAHHH!! AAAHHHHRRRH! GAAAAK!

I do want to stop and say that no matter how this movie turned out or got turnt, the best part of this thing was when, our man is acting up a little wanting some answers from the nurse at the hospital desk, two orderlies come out of a room and are like “hey mister look this is a hospital” and he turns as fast as lightning and punches a guy in the stomach then turns to other poor sonofabitch and points in his face and says “stay”. What a gangster. I need to start doing things like that in my old age. Let’s say I’m standing in line to buy some beer or sandwich meat and some guy wants to cut to buy his lottery ticket I’ll just punch him in the gut real quick and tell everyone else to STAY. Or when I’m waiting in line for the microwave at work. But you’re not allowed to punch anyone anymore so I better not but can you imagine.

Anyway! once they get settled in to the big white house that IMDB says is in Los Angeles out in the woods, the comely wife with the loose blouses is quickly possessed by the spirit of the lady that lived there long ago. And I know I rattle on and on and on all the time sometimes but soon our man is approached by the local faith healer who wants to cleanse his possessed wife and in perfectly normal responses he refuses repeatedly claiming “I DON’T WANT ANY HOCUS POCUS!!” which brings us to a fitting tie-in to the title of this post at the top and where we are now, 45 minutes later into the day or afternoon or well into your night of sweaty and sordid debauching.

In true High Art fashion, we are shown an extensive flashback complete with wavy camera lines and zoob zoob zoob sound effects. “I DON’T WANT NONE OF THAT SHIT EATING HOCUS POCUS!!” He orders, throwing a plateful of indigenous foods at a dancer on the stage. “GET YOUR FILTHY HOCUS POCUS HIPS OVER HERE AND GIVE ME THE BEST DAMNED LAP DANCE IVE EVER SEEN!!” he commands, waving a five dollar American currency in the air. As the wistful notes of Skynyrd’s ‘Free Bird’ winds up, he mutters, “and I’ll take some of that hocus pocus on my johnson if you really want to I mean it’s your call um um hey uh you know it’s just the heat and golly you smell nice and do I know you from the laundromat uh uhm I just sailed into port see and oh hey that’s the real thing lady I mean no touching where I’m from oh gosh oh my huh huh huh what I mean is that you’re real what is this hey I uh uh oh he heh heh here comes the choo choo hey I uh hey um the aeroplane hahaha ha uhhhhh lady I mean woah I hope your daddy’s not here I uhm it’s just oh shit I’ve never been in love like this before it’s just I don’t think I can oh take my I love you seriously oh my gosh oh golly look out below here comes the bagpipes I oh man is it getting darker in here oh hey look uhn here comes My Obscenity my essence my eternal love for you I have become undone”. Minutes later, after the song finally ends and he’s sealed up the five dollars of American currency with a 300% tip in a folded envelope, he turns to the cheering crowd and screams “I WAS UNDONE BY HOCUS POCUS IN THIS VILE LAND AND I WILL HAVE NO MORE OF IT FOREVER!!”

Elsewhere, in the current time and space, his wife becomes possessed again and cuts her hand —- in the shape of a letter of the alphabet! A gate breaks! “Reinforce it with concrete and not hocus pocus!” he instructs from his jeep! A statue of some sort of haunted thingie mysteriously falls from the top of the stairs! A man is thrown from a window! A woman is burned to ashes! A woman changes wigs many times in the same scene! A man is thrown through a wall and no one gives one shit! SPOILER: it seems muddled but I think the day was saved by a wedding ring! Oh lord and mercy!

But how did we ever get to this sorry point? A man took a wife and brazenly betrayed her right there in front of her face. so she took up the Dark Arts and set out to kill him. But! He killed her first and dumped her carcass in the – hmmm – wagon shed? But she came back from beyond the grave and killed him deader than shit! And now she haunts the living for some reason I could never quite grasp but who else is John Saxon going to fight??

What a time we’ve had here today with this shitty old Troma movie. Actually I don’t think it’s one of the shitty ones they made but maybe just distributed and put their jingle in there at the top because it’s really not too bad. Of course it’s not really that good either but I was entertained enough to keep me going and pushing and striving and excelling.

For a much better rendering of this movie look HERE although I think I liked this more than Michi with a second although that I watched this after I watched a terrible thing called Story of a Cloistered Nun which bored me so much I wanted to harm myself.

FILED UNDER: HOCUS POCUS AND HIS OBSCENITY AND A JOHNSON AND POINTY DEVIL THINGS AND LASER EYES AND FIVE DOLLARS CURRENCY AMERICAN AND PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE STOMACH