I’ve always loved Carpenter’s movies – especially Assault on Precinct 13, Escape From New York and Prince of Darkness. Obviously Big Trouble in Little China is one of my favorite movies and The Fog and The Thing are way up there. I also liked In The Mouth of Madness and Vampires for the most part and then came the pitiful embarrassment I felt with Escape From LA that made me so sad and shit on my childhood and I cursed several people’s names and I guess he needed some money to pay for his mansions in California and penthouses in New York or something so I tried to forget I ever saw it and then I tried to watch it again one day and it was so terrible I couldn’t even go on but somehow I’m still around. I remember when this came out and I was all oh shit a new John Carpenter movie aw snap let’s go you son of a bitch let’s go let’s go and I had to get it on dvd I think and I watched it and I hated it from the very beginning and guessed what was going on immediately and I lamented what became of everything and sold all of my earthly belongings and moved to a small Asian village and lived for seven years in silence eating only what I farmed until one day I returned emaciated but pure again and started writing here and made some friends and the other day I was lazy and lying on the couch and thought I’d give it another look and for fuck’s sake it’s terrible and I think time made it worse. At least that’s my opinion and I could be wrong but oh mess this one sucks. What a load of shit.

But if I did have something good to say about this thing it would be the maybe two minute scene where the cast is dancing. Too bad it’s early and the rest sucks. Oh and I do like Danielle Panabaker.

*spoilers*

This thing starts off with Heard hiding in a forest and then setting a house on fire with a zippo I guess she just carries around when she’s running through the woods in her nightgown. Next up she’s thrown into the state mental asylum where the codgy old cooter nurse makes her take pills and you just know the orderly is a perve and the doctor is British so you might as well give up any hope of getting out of there, lady. After she’s scrubbed and hosed down she meets her roommates in The Ward who you will immediately know and recognize and figure out what’s going on ruining any sort of suspense or mystery or any sort of thrill at all and now it’s been 15 minutes and the movie is ruined. To make things even worse there’s some sort of mutilated ghost with shimmery skin going around killing her ward mates in semi gruesome ways that makes no fooping sense and a series of jumpy flashbacks that add to the experience that you already know what’s going on and did Carpenter really direct this and who, even in 2010, would have not immediately know what was going on unless they were maybe a baby.

So we’ve got all of that going for us and the editing is not very tight with sometimes almost no pauses between people talking. “I’mnotcrazy whyareyougivingme thesepills? Youhaveto takepillsrightDoctor? Youmusttakepillsoryou won’tgetbetter. I’mnot crazywhatisthis?” Hahaha kind of like my writing if I think about it I guess jeez. But, yeah : (

Now we’re dealing with bad writing and bad editing and bad jump cuts and bad ideas and bad acting and bad penmanship and bad breath and bad luck and bad juju and Gris Gris and bad girls and bad intentions and bad boys 4 life and bad remakes and bad hairdos and bad mother fu- you shut your mouth but it’s all just so stupid. And my mind is thinking of something I think came out around the same time that was better than this but more of a horror comedy but pretty good:

But in the end., aside from all of the faults this movie has, I think the worst is that Amber Heard is just not a very good actress. Now – I’ve only seen her in a few things and from what I recall I liked All The Boys Love Mandy Lane but I didn’t care for her in the DC movies and I thought she did a very poor job executing herself as tormented in that Johnny Depp trial I watched a bunch of but sheeeeeit I thought she was no good here. But – fairly – it could have been the material. “Act like you’re trying to open a door.” *tries. “Ok good enough cut”. “The scene – you’re in a mental institution and the nurse comes in but you’re hiding behind the opened door. Hit her on the neck.” *Does a very feeble job and the nurse falls down unconscious. “Great cut.” “The dumb waiter isn’t coming down fast enough. Push and hit on those buttons like that’s going to make the levers and pullies move faster. That’s it, keep pushing and jabbing, Come on some more pushing. Ok let’s see some more pushing. Push like your ass is on the line. Push. Push. Push. The producers really want some more pushing. Come on. The NEII* really has their fingers in this one. All right, cut.”

Recalling this disaster much later, Carpenter asserted that he was “down on his fortunes having consumed too many spirits with naked local women for far too long after a lengthy sail to Tahiti” adding “I was never a pious man” and, mildly fondling his genitals, “this was easy money”, further and wistfully, humpi-

I also see my editor is calling cut! on this post.

FILED UNDER: TERRIBLE CRAP

*NEII stands for “National Elevator Industry, Inc.” We are the premier national trade association for the elevator and escalator industry. NEII’s membership is comprised of the global leaders that manufacture, install, and/or maintain elevators, escalators, and other related building transportation products. We provide advocacy, codes and safety expertise and industry research. When it comes to the success of our members – the global leaders in the elevator and escalator industry – and the advancement of safe and innovative products for the riding public, our commitment can be summed up in three words: we are dedicated. Our relentless effort to safety, innovation, productivity and advocacy has transformed us into the leading industry voice.

On a happier note – it’s getting close to something i really enjoyed last year. Do you have something you’d like to put in on this topic? It doesn’t have to be out here – I’ll just keep the diagram alive: