Well. I’m surprised I’ve never seen this before – this has all the potential epicness of a cheap late 70s slasher with sketchy acting, always and hopefully a middle aged man with an English accent, an Indian burial ground complete with relics, pop top beers and skinny dipping teens that are legal and older than 16. Uh. Checkity checkity checkity ok this actress was 18 when this was filmed ok we’re good to proceed. This bad boy starts off in a bar much like this one Chris and I used to go to I mean NAME REDACTED to hide from our girlfriends when they were picking at us constantly like those two used to would they just get off our backs but it was downtown here back in the early 90s when everything was still pretty run down before they did this big plan to raise taxes and pretty the place up and draw in business and the city not be a shithole but it was a place to go hide where no one could ever find you unless it was maybe the cops looking for your corpse and get this they served Milwaukee’s Best on tap. I don’t think they make that piss any longer but if you remember it or cared it was a cheap ass run off beer that was disgusting but you could buy a six pack for like two bucks and there was no reason for it to ever be in a keg or served in a bar but there it was. Man looking back at that I’m surprised a couple of skinny white boys like us didn’t get mugged or shivved or just robbed and killed. The things we used to do.

But this one starts off in a place like that and these two drunk white assholes are palling around and an old Native comes in and they give him shit and the young tough Native comes in a pulls out a big knife and is set to protect some honor when the bartender pulls out a shotgun and threatens to blow everyone to pieces if this happens again and the Natives leave and out in the parking lot there by their old beat up pick up is this girl who looks way older than sixteen is looking for someone to light her joint and while the young tough Native fellow is pushing her away and telling her to go somewhere else and be white trash these two other ‘kids’ come out of the bar and witness this and tell him they’re going to tell the whole city he likes little girls and he’s all fuck you i’ll kill you and leaves with his ancestor and the girl asks the two youths for a light for her joint and one says he don’t smoke cuz he’s the sheriff’s kid but the other must be drunk and horny so he takes her off in his pickup so they can go make it and she realizes something’s not right and he tells her they’re in an Indian burial ground and she makes them leave and when he gets her home her dad is standing outside and with his English accent because all Texans are English he tells Johnny or whatever his name is that she’s only fifteen and he’ll report him to the authorities if he lays a finger on her so he gives the old man some lip and sass and heads out and runs out of gas off on the side of the highway and gets stabbed to death like 30 times. Boy what an opening! Whew!

The next morning, after we just learned her age she gets up and takes an all nude shower to the tune of this beauty:

I don’t usually put YouTube things on here because I personally think YouTube are real fucking bastards when it comes to using content from their platform so if that actually works you’re in luck – what a lucky day! Hopefully that will get your toes to tapping and you read this early enough that your whole day will be bright and cheery.

Meanwhile -my neighbor’s sons are across the street playing basketball in their driveway and they are blasting Christmas music (it takes me weeks and weeks to finish writing something) and I wonder if they, or their dad, would like me to go play Melissa’s Theme for them on their very loud speakers they are using.

Elsewhere, the Sherriff (I also don’t usually name drop but this guy is named Bo Hopkins and I always liked that guy when I was a kid) is having breakfast with his kids and they need to get ready for school godblast it and he gets a call about an abandoned truck on the side of the highway and since it’s a small town they know it’s Johnny’s and figure he just got drunk and is off sleeping it off but when they get there his daughter’s sleuthing instincts kick in because she’s been reading mystery novels and she finds Johnny’s stabbed up body out in the brambles and cacti and the shit starts to get real and the si who doesn’t light joints says “Dad I saw him (Johnny) last night get into it with (the tough Native guy) and there was some chick I’ve never seen before and Johnny went off with her to make it! I bet (the tough Native guy) killed him!!!”

Meanwhile – the new chick in town, post soapless shower, takes some time to admire herself in the mirror while she prepares for her – dum ta dum – sweet sixteen birthday event to be thrown by her mother in a few days. In a fascinating backstory for these characters, the mom was actually from this city and I get the impression she was one of those poor white trash people that smoked lit joints and got the hell out of town and married some uppity English archaeological digger who wants to harvest Native relics from the burial ground and sell them for millions of dollars! And who is actually doing the digging? The tough Native guy who I looked up so I don’t have to type that any more and his character is named Jason!!! AWWWW SHIT!

How is this all gonna turn out?? Will she ever light her joint? Will the lady over at the police CSI lab type place ever get to go eat her steak and potato? Will she get married? Will the English guy dig up those knives and what will become of them? Will anyone stab themselves in the stomach on purpose? How often will Hopkins lean back in his chair and put his fingers on his cheeks and shoot someone a disarming smile? That coffee you’re drinking right now, did someone put their unwashed finger in it? Do you think your friend who is the mother of a teenage boy knows what her kid is probably doing right now while she’s at work? Have you seen this and think how this all turned out was believable even for an old 80s horror movie?

When I first watched this movie I made a quick blank post of this just so I’d remember I watched it and wanted to write about it and made one note which I mistyped and is probably crude but I am unwilling to change it just for its beauty:

Boy what a theme dong.

All in all this was pretty good like the old ones can be. Minimalist sleazy, maybe not totally cheap, pillaging Native burial grounds, trying to throw a bizarre ending in there; it’s all good enough for me.

FILED UNDER: CANT ANYONE JUST LIGHT HER JOINT FOR PETES SAKE ANYONE AND THANK GOODNESS THEY WERE ABLE TO PIECE EVERYTHING TOGETHER BY THE END OR WE’D ALL BE SO CONFUSED WE’D NEVER RECOVER