longlegs (2024)

On By eric undeadIn THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING…

Longlegs, you son of a bitch, I had such hopes for you. I unashamedly love Nic Cage and Maika Monroe can really wet my whistle and in general I think Oz Perkins makes sound movies (I quite liked Gretel and Hansel) and the blurbs and bites made this sound like it was going to scare the shit out of anyone who got near it and woooo boy here we go son and I know how to get down and I came here to party and don’t treat me bad Longlegs don’t hurt me don’t do it and. Well, I really thought this was an excellent piece of filmmaking and good acting and good characters and most excellent cinematography and shit like that but in the end I felt like I must have missed something or something and if all seems so good but hey hmm uh I uh I guess it was pretty good sure but what about?

I will probably ask myself some questions in this piece and since I don’t have anyone else to talk to I’ll just probably have to answer myself so I bet there will be spoilers of some of the story points in here but I’ll try not to give the big surprise away but I can’t guarantee it.

This thing starts off great. It’s framed in round edges like an old photograph so be I’m guessing this represents the past or memories and things are slow and deliberate and out in the snow and there’s a couple cool camera angles and the bad guy makes a quick appearance and things are going great! Fist bumps and platonic butt slaps. Looking good looking good. Next up we meet Monroe and her character which I thought was well fleshed out and studied and everything’s going ok and she gets assigned the Longlegs case and there’s codes and Bible stuff and everything’s looking real sharp but I should really say that everything is actually really really dark so it’s hard to see a bunch but the movie is working for me so I can get over it so far so good, hustler, this is a good movie to rent. And things are going ok all right yeah yeah and then they find this doll.

And the doll is creepy and well designed and here’s where I wonder what I missed. Were my dogs barking when they were kind of explaining it or something I don’t know but the doll had a metal sphere up in the head and I think in this ball is some dust and somehow this ball thing can control only men and cause them to gruesomely murder their loved ones. Huh. Ok I guess right this is a movie ok I get it right so longlegs makes dolls that make you kill the people you love. I see.

So, we – wait. What?

The FBI figure out his cypher and decode it and realize he did murders at this farm somewhere but left one of those people alive for some reason I also missed and when only two of them go to investigate this murder scene where a family had bit the dust they find the doll the entire FBI missed the first time. Turns out it has something special about it and they go visit that survivor in the psychiatric home or whatever and she says she loves the guy no matter what he says or does and then the FBI boss guy drops a bomb on Monroe FBI lady that wouldn’t you know it her own birthday is coming up on the day he kills people and I guess she just never thought of that before somehow so she just needs to go talk to her recluse mom and get some answers by golly.

And still I think this movie is going pretty good aside from some things I’m just not putting together. I’m not trying to dog it but things are seeming suss here.

But anyway! BIG SPOILERS HERE – through the medium of flashback we learn that Monroe’s character and her momma lived in a house alone and one day Longlegs came calling over but we don’t know for what and she made a deal with him to spare her daughter from murder. We also see, I believe, that she spent many many periods of time in a cage in her basement while Longlegs made dolls right in front of her but, I guess through trauma, she forgot about all of that completely until it all comes crashing back to her one afternoon after talking to her momma. So she really kind of knew all along what was up but forgot and I guess couldn’t put two and two together about her birthday even though she’s amazingly smart and oh well still pretty well made and good and now they have him captured and in an interrogation room and he’s all hail satan and kills himself by smashing his head on the table. Uhm. Whuuuut. I mean. Hey now. But all in all this is still a pretty good movie and we slither our way into the final act where hopefully we can get some blibbity blabbity answers around here.

But there’s a lingering question the crack team of FBI people have – how is he doing this and leaving no trace of hisself (sic). NOW REALLY BIG SPOILER HERE ALERT ALERT you see, the deal the mom made with Longlegs was to be his accomplice so: he makes these dolls with the orb of dust in the head and she delivers than as a gift from the church and then the dads go crazy and kill their family before killing themselves and then later, apparently, along comes Longlegs after the fact and drops off a note written in code leaving no dna behind. Well shit! Why do the balls make them do this? Why does he want all these people dead? Why does he leave two girls alive? Why did she faint when the mom blew up the doll of her? Why does he look like that? Why did he make those faces in the little grocery store? Why has no one ever found a doll hanging around after everyone is dead except that one hidden in the rafters of the barn? Why did the movie go there at the very very end that doesn’t seem like Perkins’ style?

As always – what did I miss? I thought the shooting was great and the sets were fantastic and the acting was superb and the idea was good ‘n creepy but what was going on here? Someone tell me. Otherwise and not to be too wild and crazy and gross but I feel like I’ve got movie blue balls over here. So – what happened again?

FILED UNDER: WHOEVER THOSE PEOPLE WERE THAT SAID HOW SCARED THIS MOVIE MADE THEM FEEL REALLY SURPRISES ME OR SOMETHING AND I WOULD SAY I STILL LIKED THIS EXPERIENCE BUT HEY WHAT DID I MISS NOW AND I KNOW I COULD GO READ THE INTERNET ABOUT IT BUT I’M SUPER LAZY SOMEONE JUST TELL ME SOMETHING COME ON SAY SOMETHING SEND ME MERCY AND PREPARE ME FOR THE PARADISE

P.S. STILL WORTH THE WATCH AND WHOEVER PLAYED THE MOM WAS GREAT

26 thoughts on “longlegs (2024)”

    1. Cage’s character, the villain, signs his Zodiac Killer-esque ciphers “Longlegs”. The first time we see him, he’s talking to a little girl and his head is out of frame. Then, he says something like “Oops, I’ve got my long legs on!” and bends down to eye level. It’s just part of his creepy pedo personality. He’s got long legs compared to the girls he stalks.

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    2. Well the obvious answer is what our friend explained below (above?) in the comments to which we are grateful. Alternative answer is that the title is referring to me since my art teach called me “legs” in high school since I was growing so tall at the time and I was just a “couple of legs”.

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  2. Ok, I just watched this again cos I liked it the first time, but couldn’t remember it well enough to answer your questions. Why do the balls make them do this? Black magic, it would appear. The main character mentions how some cultures use dolls for magic. Later, Mom says the same thing about Longlegs. The Devil is able to enter the spheres and control people’s minds. The specifics of this are never explained. Why does he want all these people dead? I don’t think it explains that either. I assume Longlegs is performing a satanic ritual to summon Satan, or fulfilling some kind of prophecy. Why does he leave two girls alive? The first was at school when the murders occurred. Lee was spared cos her mom agreed to be Longlegs’ accomplice. Why did she faint when the mom blew up the doll of her? The dolls put their victims into brainwashed, trance-like states. Maybe that’s why she forgot everything to begin with? Why does he look like that? He claims he’s “cleansing” the world with his murders, so he paints himself white to symbolize cleanliness, or to look like his dolls, or both. Why did he make those faces in the little grocery store? He’s creepy. Why has no one ever found a doll hanging around after everyone is dead except that one hidden in the rafters of the barn? I guess they never made the connection and the dolls were donated or thrown out. They probably don’t work on families of girls they weren’t crafted for.

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  3. Hmmmm. I’ve heard a little about this one, and it sounds interesting, but I don’t know. Cause it also sounds like one of those films that likes to explain away all its lose ends with a generalized “magic!” excuse, and that tends to annoy me a bit. Or at least it dies with more serious films. The weird/goofy ones can get away with that shit more easily.

    Not that that’ll stop me from watching it when it eventually shows up on something I have, though. Gotta watch all the strange new devil-related horror movies out there, after all. And you’re telling me that this one also has a lot of creepy dolls too? Why, that’s practically a two-for-one horror special!

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    1. I think it’s worth a watch especially if it’s in something you already have. It’s one of those slow and atmospheric jobs so you’re prepared. I think I got caught up in too much hype about how it was so scary you’d shit yourself or you’d never recover after watching it and neither of those were the case. Cry cry. Of course no one wants either of those things but you know what I mean I hope!

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      1. Yeah, I getcha. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t even listen or read horror film reviews like that anymore. Because the movie never ends up being as scary or shocking as they claim. Either the people they’re getting those quotes from are a bunch of wussy-babies, or I’ve seen so many of these types of films that I’ve become horribly desensitized to them. Probably an annoying combination of both, most likely.

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      2. I absolutely agree – it’s either that or they’re trying to get hits on something. Twitter is the most annoying I can’t even look at it any more. Even though sometimes I’m still drawn to it like some sort of garbage loving insect or something.

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    1. Some of it seems like it – especially the ending. It’s been a month or so since I watched it but what was up with the last thing she said? Didn’t she point the gun and say something like “long legs this, bitch!” or something? And to be honest I was trying to make a joke about a modern and relevant saying but I couldn’t think of anything because I’m not in touch with today’s youth. How about “try using your long legs to run around the gymnasium now!” Kablow!

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  7. Glad you liked this (even if it was a bit confusing on the first watch! – I agree – I’d like to watch it again with full knowledge of what’s happening & to also try to spot all the hidden satan imagery). 👹 I liked this movie a lot, and it’s one of those that went up in my estimation the more I thought about it afterwards. Yeah, I really want to rewatch it now… It was the first horror I took the daughter to as she was old enough to see it in the cinema, too, and she also really liked it. She sings his creepy “let me in now” song all the time.

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    1. I totally need to rewatch it and try and catch what I missed. I haven’t thought about this in a while but I remember really liking the hoarder mom. That reminds me I should probably return Maika Monroe’s phone calls – she’s been trying to get a hold of me for months.

      #shehasnt

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