Ti West, we’ve come so far. From House of the Devil to In a Valley of Violence to this. Lest we forget your acting job in You’re Next. It seems you’ve covered the 1970s, the 1990s, the 1850s (maybe?) and now 80s LA. With X, your people were out at a farm making a porn but you forgot to bring lights so I couldn’t see ANYTHING the entire time but a lot of people really liked that movie, Texas pond alligators or not. So you did a prequel, right, where a chick fucks a scarecrow and then kills everyone and then goes on to be the SPOILER old lady who kills everyone in X, yes? Was the scarecrow fucking just a way for you to artfully emphasize and foreshadow what was coming down the path for this old bag of bones who just wanted to get laid? I don’t always know since no one tells me nuthin and I can’t interpret your thoughts – I mean why didn’t you just show the ghost in The Innkeepers – and why John Travolta? – but ok ok ok now you’ve got Kevin Bacon I see so all right man all right let’s go let’s do this. The Night Stalker coming our way to a videotape near me. Come on let’s go let’s go.

I will say that I thought this was the best of the three of these movies. Point 1 is that I could see what was going on so solid A on that. Point 2 is that I personally felt like less Mia Goth monologues was a bonus. Point 3: Elizabeth Debicki. Point 4: I’ve been to the Psycho house (not in it but outside of it). Point 5: Kevin Bacon was great. Point 6: I loved the pull out super dolly into the atmosphere shot. Point 8: the lady from Yellowjackets. Point 9: Pointy Birds O Pointy Pointy. Point 10: there is no point 10.

This one takes the character from X and puts her in LA where she’s a porn star but still wants to make it big in regular movies because nothing can stop her if she sets her mind to it. Sadly there’s a killer going around called the night stalker and also sadly some of her porn star friends are ending up dead. And her VHS store guy friend. And I feel like some other people I’ve forgot by now. But they’re ending up tits up and the police want to interview her but she don’t talk to no fucking cops no way man fuck the man I ain’t talking to no pig and suddenly this private dick shows up and he knows what happened back in Texas during the events of X and someone is paying good money to meet her or else he’ll go to the cops man fucking pigs up yours eat shit no one likes the fuzz and can’t trust em no way no how leave me alone and eat donuts popos.

Will Maxxxine be able to make it out of the LA Basin alive? Will she make the transition from porn to horror? Will you guess who’s after her before the reveal? I didn’t which was nice for a change but what about the other two questions burning like a Hollywood Boulevard UTI?

Speaking of Hollywood Boulevard, I lived in California during many summers and would hang out down there occasionally. This was back in the late 80s and early 90s when we were old enough to drive and go the beaches and other places looking for fun and everyone knew about the boulevard and man that was really a sleaze hole back then. That was the first time I’d ever seen real hookers – women and dudes dressed as women – and the only time thank all of the gods that we escaped being mugged but man what a shit show that was back then. But it’s not like I was engaged in some sort of Chastity – it was more of an unplanned and frankly unwanted period of no sex in my life even though I had no desire to pick up some dirty ass off the street and get some sort of burning STD or UTI which is where my brain was however long ago i started this paragraph. So in conclusion, the best thing to ever come out of me hanging on Hollywood Boulevard was that time I saw Alice Cooper standing outside of a club and when none of my internal fluids spilled on the sidewalk or started pulsing out of my body from VD.

Speaking of burning and nasty STDs, I see Tommy Lee is back with a new album with Motley Crue. I know a lot of people love them but my friend I’ve grown up with for 40 years that was always his favorite band and I had to listen to their entire tapes for years while we drive around the city doing the shit we did. YEARS. And I tolerated them and I never liked Lee and blah blah blah can’t we listen to some other shit just once come on even the radio and anyway I knew they had a new record out without their old guitar player Mick Mars and I was on my way to work today and heard their new song called “Cancelled” and by god it was fucking terrible which reminded me of how much they used to get under my skin and then they finally went away for good and you would see Lee pop up here and there – remember when he did that tv show about being in a college band? – and look there’s Vince Neil drunk somewhere and man those guys are in their 60s and here they come again which reminds me of how I started thinking about this topic so here comes the big ending or money shot: here comes Motley Crue again like that flare up of The Clap that you got from sleeping with that chick you met at the Greek fest when you and everyone else were high and loopy as fuck on Ouzo and lamb and some sort of Greek cigarettes like some sort of Dionysian orgy.

Speaking of orgies, even though I’ve never participated in one or even seen one on 35mm or VHS or DVD or through your bedroom window, let’s close out Maxxxine here and get moving along. Having that triple x in the title implies some sort of enticing sex services or filming standards here but there is zero of that in this movie. so if you’re looking for brazen and wild scenes filled with moaning and rubbing and sexual emissions, you’re going to be out of luck. If you’re looking for some better acting and zero scarecrow sex, this might be the place for you. I thought all of the acting was good except for Bobby Cannavale who for some reason really bothers me even though I don’t think he’s ever done anything to hurt me. And the sets were good and the lighting was nice! and all in all I thought this was a good one, unless you’re looking for sweaty slippery people rolling around on top of each other and putting parts of their bodies into someone else’s. And maybe that’s your thing, I don’t know I’ve never witnessed such shocking acts. I’ve certainly never participated because I am chaste and pure and butterfli

FILED UNDER: CHASTE AND PURE THAT’S ME!