Huh. Since I’m all about honesty and fair play here and everywhere else I guess I can say I don’t get this French movie. I mean I watched it and understand what I saw and the linearness of how things unfolded and everything because I have eyes and short and long term memory and I guess this is about trauma and grief (?) from two points of view but I don’t get why or how the car had sex with her and knocked her up and she had a baby that looked like that. Is it surrealism or absurdism or just some French weirdness? I don’t know and whatever I figure I’ll say is probably wrong but my place here is for me to write and try and keep my brains strong and have a hobby and have fun and I guess I’ll get into what I think might have happened here. I remember in my old blog I wrote about Rubber – and how much I liked it but didn’t get it – and a stranger came around and told me how I wasn’t paying attention and needed to study more and think harder and while that’s probably fair I still don’t get its connection to Greek mythos and still think it’s a good movie. But hey! Let’s talk Titane!

At the start a kid is involved in a car wreck and gets a plate in her head. Got it. Later, she’s a dancer in skimpy outfits at car shows and a murderer who gets knocked up by a car so if I put my thinking cap on – which must be too loose in general – I’m going to take this chance and guess that this is all a big metaphor for our dependence on oil and fuels and shit in the Middle East and how this is fucking everything, up to and including ourselves and our children. Voila! Oui? Non? Look how oil is fucking us! Maybe? No? Honestly I didn’t know cars had sperm or even semen or really dicks but she hets pregnant and oozes something black out of her various areas so my guess is it’s oil and this is French art.

Oh! And she’s also a serial killer. I’m assuming this is because she had a fucked up childhood with a father who didn’t give a shit and left her alone and detached with her momma while she pined away her days longing for her father’s love. I don’t think we can blame it all on the accident and the plate in her head because even before that, when she’s sitting in the back of the car, kicking the front seat she looks pretty fucked up so I felt like they were leading on to something derange-y anyway but yeah she’s grown now and murders people and one of ‘em gets away and does a description for the police so she goes on the run.

And changes her identity and look to be a grown up version of a little boy who was kidnapped years ago, up to and including breaking her own nose and shaving her eyebrows and strapping down her uh um oily leaking bosoms and her starting to bulge belly. The father of the missing boy agrees the girl is his son and takes her in. As it turns out he’s kind of fucked up too and shoots steroids and runs a fire station where the fire station lads like to have shirtless raves. So we now seem to be dealing with missing son trauma mixed with absentee dad trauma mixed with childhood car accident trauma as an allegory for strife and violence in the middle east over oil that is poisoning our bodies up to and including our unborn children? Art!

Also – again I could be all wrong here. I originally just was interested to watch the ‘movie where the girl fucks a car and gets pregnant’. I didn’t know it was going to get so deep. Kind of like ‘the movie about the tire that kills people’ which I liked but not ‘the one where they beat and skin the woman alive’ which I fucking hated or ‘the one where they’re trapped in the building basement after the bomb goes off’ which was decent I guess but I don’t know what Patricia Arquette did to deserve that. But here we are and something’s going on with oil and lady business and steroids and raves and sex cars and murders and other random things they threw in to be classy I guess.

But the movie looks great, aside from black oil leaking from places it shouldn’t. It’s nice and HD and kept in focus and level and the camera doesn’t swirl around constantly and vomit inducingly and the sound is good and the costumes are nice and the actor that played the dad seemed awesome and no matter how much I’ve always hated Linkin Park it seems they have a new song with a new singer and god damn if I didn’t like it quite a bit actually and the gore effects weren’t too extreme and the one time the dad danced was kind of funny and the car fucking scene was done as gently as possible I guess and I didn’t really get it with the firemen parties but I’m not French and that one guy sure looked like the guy from Scrubs and now I’ve seen it and well hmmm that baby ok.

So there it is. What’s the conclusion? Is it art? Is it horseshit? Is it vulgar and profane? Is it obscene and repulsive? Did I hate it as much a I hate Darren Aronofsky’s movies? Will it encourage you or your children to make incredible movements either bowel or artistic that will inspire generations to come? After viewing this will you be overcome with an experience of crippling horniness in your loins or otherwise to couple with a machine, automated or manual?

I’m not really sure about any of those questions or the answers there from aside from “probably not” but I guess I can say this movie was all right but probably unnecessary but I don’t understand true art unless Steve Loggins and I make it like this beautiful poster we made to commemorate this film: “woman in love with car, tapestry”. I just love how she’s inside the bumper.

FILED UNDER: TAPESTRIES AND CAR SPERMS

PS I really enjoyed that so we made another and I love them both equally