My initial reaction to starting this movie was whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat and then huuuuuuuuuuuuh and then I don’t think I’m going to like this and was about to just turn it off and go for something else and then something kind of funny happened so I stuck around and finished it and in my honesty I can’t say it was really worth the time or effort but we have to give them credit for getting their movie made and etc etc etc and great but this one really didn’t work for me sorry folks but I did really like the last part with the turtle and the closing drone shot so thanks for those 60 seconds I hope you realized your vision here and got to do what you wanted to do and made shitpots full of money and I really mean shitpots. For those of you that didn’t see this thing – the opening consists of a baby removal scene which is not something I particularly like or tend to watch – like that one in Proxy or in this Eric Undead Most Unclean^TM list fucking thing called Dear God, No which I fucking hated with all of my guts and this wasn’t wasn’t quite that bad but I could do without that shit so that’s the end of my opening paragraph

I think after writing all of that up maybe I sound like I’ve gone soft or something and maybe I have but I don’t think I enjoy -or have the time – to put myself through brutal things anymore just to say I’ve done it and I think Martyrs is what started me down this path of unejoyment and Dear God, No didn’t help and there was this other fucking thing I watched what was it called – ummmmmmm – errrrrrrrrrrrr – thinkity thinkity think – American Maniacs, what a dirty asshole of a movie and I’ll never watch Terrifier(s) because I don’t want to and let’s just have some fun out there right. Lighten up. Why so gross. But I guess there’s a market out there for it and it’s not me anymore so that is what it is and I hope Night of the Bastard is everything you wanted it to be. And I don’t think this one was super grisly or anything just thinking about that opening got me thinking about something else and if there’s anything I can do when I’m typing shit is ramble on. Oh well.

So it’s the 70s and this couple goes to visit his brother in the desert and when they get there some oman is fully nude and tied up which you don’t see much these days and then blammo they’re knocked out and tied to trees and a a ritual is going on out in the night and they need that unborn baby to realize some demon’s ascent into this realm or something so they cut it out and whoop and holler and take off all of their clothes and have an explicit orgy in the desert and get ants and sandworms all up in their male and female openings and wiggle all over the place until a rift opens up and the demon whose name I forget rises from hell with his curly red tail and a pitchfork and he stabs them all like meat kabobs without adding bell peppers or mushrooms or onions and they’re all gluuuck gluuuuuckk gloork choking on their own insides and their blood is flowing out into the sand and with the full moon it’s a real chiaroscuro the old masters would be proud of and then that demon guy pulls a suitcase out of that hole in the ground and they do a five minute or so montage of him getting dressed in business casual clothes and then he sets off whistling into the night before we cut to modern day. What’s that? Oh. My editor here at Eric Undead wants me to tell anyone reading this that everything after the word ‘holler’ in this paragraph is not true regarding this movie.

In more modern times we see this sad and lonely bearded fellow wake up out in the sand with piss drenched jeans outside of this home in the desert. We then see him do some mundane things while we set up his hermetic life of self imposed exile and solitude and self sodomy scratch that just solitude and one night he hears some unwanted noises off in the distance. Turns out it’s these three youths who just want to to do some partying and probably dirty sand sex but he shoos them off with his shotgun an goes back to flagellating himself and hanging upside down from his own rafters with his balls in his mouth hahaha scratch that last part too I heard that over here at Ghoulie Joe’s post and had to incorporate it somewhere but that actually didn’t happen here. Yet.

These three walk off with their beers and pout and come across – woah – a NEW ritual being held in the desert to help realize that same demon’s ascension to rule over his rightful realm only it’s 40 years later and I forget why it never happened yet but I guess it didn’t work the last time so they’re going to give it another shot and I – being slower than shit – just remembered what they have to do this time around and I’m going to spoil everything for you in a couple of minutes of reading time. Before that. I’ll mention that – of those three above – two of them get murdered out in the sands and one of them runs for her life into the night and eventually comes across the lonely and isolated home of our bearded guy who just wants to be left the fuck alone for god’s sake won’t you people just leave him alone won’t you just leave him alone for five minutes just five minutes.

You can read in any synopsis that the two of them just need to survive the night and I won’t tell you if they do or not but I will tell you this – SPOILER TIME – the key to making sure the demon can realize his ascension this time around is for the new priestess lady who was the baby cut from the womb 40 years ago needs to have sex with her brother who was left in that same womb back in the day so they can make a baby and the brother – the bastard I guess – is the bearded guy who just wants to be left alone for fuck’s sake just leave him alone for five fucking minutes. You can also read parental guide notes that there is nudity and sex in this movie so I’ll let you come to your own conclusions on all of that that I promise you I am not making up this time.

FILED UNDER: FOR PETE’S SAKE CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE AND HOME MADE MEAD AND HAHA REMEMBER THAT MOVIE ABOUT THE SPACE TURTLE I WATCHED AND YUCK

And like I said, I actually did like the last 2 minutes of the movie – with the turtle and the drone shot and I’m not trying to be some witty asshole who says things like “MAN BRO I DIDNT LIKE IT UNTIL THE CREDITS BECAUSE THEN IT WAS OVER HAR HAR I’M A DICK WANT TO HIT ME IN MY NUTS?” – I legitimately did and with that I tell you I hope that if anyone reads this you have a good day or night wherever you are.