The Girls in the Hood are Always Hard Part 2: St Agatha set back in the 50s where a knocked up lady goes to live with some nuns in an old house with fancy wallpaper. She don’t have no money and no place to go so these ladies of the cloth will take her in and make sure she’s good and taken care of and that baby will get everything it needs. They do make sure to tell her they’ve been cut off from the Vatican because of some unorthodox ways so there’s no money and she’ll have to eat hot water soup spiced with dirt and do chores but otherwise shit should turn out all right if she just stays quiet and doesn’t bother anyone. Sounds reasonable for her and us, right? It’s also directed by one of the old Saw guys and has the face-splitting actress from the original VHS in it (the ‘I like you’ lady) so maybe we’ll be in for a treat and have a nice night.

Well, I think if you watch this after The Bad Nun you’ll think it’s some kind of miracle but we need to keep in mind that this isn’t really super great and has some parts that could have used some more thinking (I think) and could’ve been better here and there and hey guys shotguns are for close up range and not long distance sharpshooting and everyone sure does talk a lot for taking those vows of silence and what the foop was with the guy in the ceiling and sigh oh well at least it’s not The Bad Nun or Coors Light. I mean, in my opinion almost anything is better than either of those things. So why don’t we sit down in an uncomfortable chair in our well-papered room (because we’re all about that style of wall covering around these parts) and see what happened.

This opens with a lady screaming in a coffin. Cool. Then we flashback into some over exposed film and she’s some sort of grifter with her stud boyfriend and they take people’s money to get out of that one horse fucking town. It also turns out she’s a vessel for another human inside of her and that’s complicating things and then one day one of her men they stole money from comes to get even and steals everything they have and the boyfriend dumps her in a soup kitchen where a nun slides her some sort of card and says “we take care of girls like you” and away we go.

At the old house in the woods she meets the nuns and they’re all crabby and quiet and you can tell they’ve got something up their sleeves except for the ‘I Like You’ lady and the other timid pregnant woman in her room who’s all ‘keep your mouth shut or we’re all fucked’ and the lady who looks like Didi Conn if any of you are old enough to remember her. And of course there’s something scurrying around in the rafters that they all keep quiet and a she becomes friends with a surly one with a big scar on her cheek and wouldn’t you know it but our main lady upsets the balance of things and wants to just leave but they say she’s insane and she’ll literally rot and die outside the grounds so she needs to just play fucking ball and meet the donors without which they wouldn’t be able to live.

You’re smart so you’ve probably guessed that the donors aren’t up to any good and neither is the woman who’s running the place. There’s a reason they take in these particular girls and yeah hey got it. I guess it was all going pretty good except for some gross ick parts and then everything just kind of fell apart even though I was expecting nothing magical to happen in the first place. I know everyone’s got their own problems and I certainly have a good deal of them but the main lady who played Mary / Agatha looked a lot like my friend’s wife who I haven’t seen in 20 years and it’s not like I was thinking ‘oh god Lisa’s in trouble’ or ‘oh shit i need to figure out what’s going on here’ but it was just distracting to my brains and no one consulted me about who to cast in that role so it shouldn’t be anyone’s problem but my own but i have to be honest. I’ll always like her for marrying my friend and for this time when I was really alone and depressed and she gave me a plant.

I guess this wasn’t too bad but I don’t think this is going to be anyone’s idea of ‘oh hey what a great movie i bet they had fun making it’ but hey maybe they did. I do have to say that I quite liked the actress who played the one with the scar on her face and she’ll never see this anyway but high fives good job good luck.

FILED UNDER: THE GIRLS IN THE HOOD ARE ALWAYS HARD AND DID SHE REALLY STRANGLE THAT LADY WITH AN UMBILICAL CORD AND PLEASE DON’T SPIT FOOD IN MY MOUTH

And now that I have two of these under my belt, here’s an updated board of what we’ve experienced so far (remember – you could always help us out with this chart if you wanted to):

Super fresh fly dope sick quiz note: did you notice I changed that “help me out” here bit to “us”?