I can’t remember if I’d heard about this movie before? I feel like I remember it from when I was a kid but I feel like I wouldn’t have watched it because I was still in the throes of my Baptist and Catholic parents so The Exorcist was evil and vile and disgusting and Most Unclean so I was trained to not like Linda Blair but Halloween was ok in my mom’s opinion just not something as abhorrent as that devil movie. So I would have passed on this even though I would have thought it was about fraternitys and sororitys and was just getting old enough to want to catch a look at some naked ladies but Blair NOOOO but boobs maybe but NOOOOO! but boo – but anyway nothing ever happened and I forgot this existed and lively Amazon thought I’d like it and well hey it wasn’t too bad I reckon and we’ll add the note that there’s no devil and his buddies in here and if you’re looking or in the mood for some 80s people taking their clothes off you’re out of luck there too but some guy does go around in his boxers for a good long time.

Overall I felt like this thing was super boring the whole first half and mainly consisted of four people in a run down mansion where someone prelit 10,000 candles, some guy trying to get laid, a couple of frat guys rigging some pranks and hijinks and Blair hanging around with most of her chest exposed, for good or bad. But things picked up in the second half and if you were like me and thought that __________ ________________ _____________ was _______________ __________ ____________ ________ and it would end with _________ __________ _____________ and ___________ ___________ then you’d be wrong just like I was so there’s that too.

It’s that time of year for pledging the Greeks and this time around I think it was a combined frat / sorority because we have two dudes and two chicks pledging whatever it was named and they have to spend the night in this old house up on a hill where all of the family were born mutated or something and hidden away from the world and lived a life in solitude eating rats and people (probably) and one of ‘em drug a club food around and this and that and one day the town revolted (I think) and killed all of the pitiful bastards except for the one that they never could find. By now you know that drill or set up because not only has it been done in movies but it’s also just like that testicle retracting fear you get when you see there’s a new post out here on my site.

For real the first hour is four people talking in an old house: one lady taking quaaludes (yes!! No one talks about ‘ludes any more!), one running around in his boxers trying to get in her pants, one trying to get in Linda Blair’s and the last making something like this pose prominently:

But then the hijinks are over and the real meat of this movie starts up. There’s a scene or two where some people are being chased down a tunnel that really worked for me even though it was probably only a few seconds long each time. There’s some horror-ness involving some killings and then a nice but strange bit where the local police station just leaves their weapons room door open and then the window too so this guns must’ve smelled like B. O. or something and that shotgun was easy pickins’. But even with that and all of my yeah but ___________ __________ and come on _________and _________ please______, none of that happened and this ended up ok.

But, hey. Since this place is where I like to keep my brains working and maybe do some creative writing even though, well, you know. Let’s leave those bits about the movie alone and let’s talk about Blair’s outfit. The one thing we do know is that everyone is dressed in some sort of costume so we can deduce that it must be some time around Halloween. Copy that. Next up, is that something we would call ‘Victorian’? I’m only guessing because I don’t know anything about these things and I’m correlating that outfit with the mansion and candles and atmosphere. But, what is she trying to accomplish?

Perhaps she’s meaning to summon up the lifestyle of, say, a laborer, transported to England to care for the newly born twins of an aristocratic family whose wealth is abundant but their Gin drinking profound. Maybe ten months prior, the couple had travelled by rail to Italy to consummate their wedding and, while under the influence of strong, red wine, had assumed a favorable position over a varnished olive-wood table where the angle had allowed his seed to find a promising deposit. Shortly after, while he walked in the cool night air drying the sweat off of his tobacco stained tunic, he glimpsed a sparkle on the cobblestone street beneath him and, upon picking up the Lira to examine a rendering of Pope Pius the 3rd, his monocled eye wandered into a candlelit bedroom where a very comely woman in an especially pleasing bodice were discovered. Nine months later, with his wife prone and bedridden, our lady was summoned to attend to both of their needs, his and hers, for a princely wage to which she agreed and made the trip with only one suitcase, filled with river washed and air dried undergarments as well as a dress in need of mending. Upon arriving at the estate, she found the woman’s milk had fouled and the husband so absorbed in Gin that the children were unfed and starving to death so she took them upon her own breasts while substituting milk from the propertyman’s goat; whereas once the children were healthy and round, she took them away from that doomed home filled with people covered in stinking, pale skin and chartered three seats in steerage on a train to Madrid, where the three of them could begin a new life away from the English and their filthy, perverted ghosts.

I suppose we won’t know for sure unless we get in touch with the makers of the film or even the costumer so we’ll just have to guess or assume but after all of that Hell Night wasn’t too bad. Maybe one day we can think about the guy from the town with the lumber mill that made those big wooden silverwares you hang on your wall who dressed up like Robin Hood because of that week we assumed he was naked or wearing transparent tights, sleeping alone on a beach in the Gulf of California.

FILED UNDER: DIRTY FILTHY BRITISH GHOSTS AND GIN SOAKED SKIN AND LINDA BLAIR’S DÉCOLLETAGE AND THE GULF OF CALIFORNIA AND QUAALUDES YAY FOR QUAALUDES